Putting the pieces together.

Last night I saw him. We went for a drive. We didn't really talk, we didn't really say much at all, just listened to music and enjoyed eachothers company, I miss that. I don't know why we didn't do more of that when we were together. Why is it when to people become a couple, the friendship gets lost between the I love you's and the not wanting to make each other mad. He gently kissed my side when I was sleeping last night, and he lingered with me all day long. As though his lips had never left me. His body was so warm, and I will miss him tonight as I sleep. I hope our friendship is something that can be saved. That we can one day learn to be everything the other one is needing. It's hard to accept that no matter how much you want to love someone that sometimes it just wont work. So there is always hoping. I want to see him happy. But I don't want to feel used, I don't want to feel jealous, and I don't want to feel like I take the back seat in his life. I want to not be number one, but be his equal, to be able to share his joy and his pain right along side him, but it seems in that constant struggle of finding a place for yourself, I was always aiming for him to put me as high up on his list as possible without competing with his children or his education. But I never asked to be his equal, I think that was a mistake, and all to often I put him above me or below me on my list. Instead of treating him like my equal, it's a hard thing balance. I hope I get better at it. Balance and acceptance. My friend did come and visit. And I feared that it would be awkard that he would try to show himself as more than a friend, but he did not. He did not try to hold my hand or hug me or anything, which was such a relief, and when I pulled out the extra bed in the living room and retired to my room for the night, there was no complaining, it makes me feel as though there may be a hope for that awkwardness to go away. I know that one day he will make someone very happy. But that someone is not me. And looking back I feel like I did lead him on, and I used him to gain someone elses attention, and it was wrong of me in so many ways. And it took a long break, alot of hurt feelings, and now a friendship on the mend to fix my mistakes. I am being cautious thought. I want to make sure that my feelings are understood, that he does not mistake my friendship for something else, and that he understands that this is not temporary until I get over the guy I'm in love with. That I don't want more than what I have offered him at this moment. I may not be able to love the one I am in love with. But I don't want to rush into anything with anybody. And I have no intentions of trying to kill my lonliness by using someone who is offering there kindness too me. Especially when there kindness appears to be genuine. So it's off to sleep with the kitties. It will be nice to cuddle with them past 8:00am. Hopefully my little kitten baby wont lick my nose off like she is so fond of doing. And even now as I type this she is laying next to me with a hungry look in her eye!