The thing about love.

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Crazy World

Things have been insanely crazy.  Started my new job which brought with it a string of panic attacks. I keep expecting another one to show up at any minute.  Also my grown up plan to completely ignore my exes new wife at work, went right out the window when she called my supervisor on my second day because she was "afraid" of what I might do to her.  She started sleeping with the guy I was living with, moved in packed my shit, threw me out, and destroyed a 9 year relationship, and she's afraid of what I might do to her.
Then they get married and I find out she's pregnant, like that doesn't add insult to injury.  He won't even speak to me.  He completely avoids me at all costs.  I don't think he will ever fully grasp what he's done to me and how much it's affected me.  I have no choice but to move on and try to let it all go and just accept that him and that part of my life is over.  I've met someone. This brings a whole new set of challenges.  Learning to love again.  Learning to be with someone new without letting my past affect my future.  I'm not sure where it will go.  I'm taking it slow and treading very lightly in this new water.  He is completely different from any guy I have ever dated, and I have to get use to that.  It's not a bad thing, just different.  I find myself completely giddy over him one minute and then crying over my past the next, and the mix of emotions is hard.  I wish I could put my feelings to rest and just enjoy the new.  I don't want to be unfair to the new guy, but I have to be true to myself and the process I have to go through to heal.  It will take time, that's the way life is.
I need to focus less on the past, unfortunately training has brought me back to Morristown which digs up a whole set of memories and emotions on its own.  I'll be glad to be done with training, and to be able to focus on work and on achieving some of my other stagnant goals.  A new car, paying off bills, finally having my own place to live.  I want to unpack my belongings and just be.  The blog is therapeutic, ?I'm also going to start reading to help me relax, I'm going to start on the Outlander series. I hope it's as good as the show.  It's off to bed for now.

Dooms Day

Today was the day.  I counted down to this day as though my world was ending, but here I sit and I'm still alive, I'm still breathing, and nothing has changed.  My best friend is still gone, there is no going back, and his fate is forever sealed, so I guess one thing has changed, that door he slammed on me two years ago that I've been staring at as though I could walk through it, is finally solid, locked, and I no longer have a key.  Literally he apparently changed the locks on his house, I guess he really didn't trust me.  Just goes to show you never actually know someone no matter what you think.

I haven't cried.  I haven't cried in two days, I haven't seen him in 4 months, and I haven't cried in two days, that is pathetic progress at its finest.  But at least I am learning to let go, and to stop idolizing him, and seeing him for what he truly was.  There is no questionable future, the yo yo's been cut, and he will never be the person he was to me.  That makes me sad.  Because he was a good man in my eyes, he wasn't the type of person to lie to me, or cheat on his girlfriend who he was apparently dating while we were still sleeping together.  I didn't know, so I don't blame myself, and I feel sorry for her that it happened, I obviously wouldn't have been with him had I known.  But he married her, so I guess she wins?  As if that is a situation you want to come out on top from. 

Today is a miserably gloomy day, you would never know it was spring outside walking through the cold snowish rain.  Hopefully I sleep tonight, and wake up tomorrow and go on with my life.  I hope I find my mind filled with thoughts of other things, maybe my writers block, or my artistic block will find a way to lower it's guard.   I'm anxious about my new job and the overwhelming responsibilities that come with it, I know I can do it, I have it in me and the money is going to change so many things for me.  I can't wait to have my own place to live again.  It's been 13 years since I lived "on my own" I'm going to unpack every box I own despite what weird things might be in them, it will be interesting in the least.

I bought a cross stitch kit, I thought what a cute project to keep my mind occupied.  But damn it's hard, first of all I didn't realize my eye sight was so bad.  I can only hope it actually looks like tinker bell when I'm done.  I mean hell I spent five minutes trying to determine was was light grey vs bluish grey and once I gave in to a choice I spent another five minutes trying to thread the needle through.  You would think I would be more talented than that, but no such luck.  At least it gives me something to concentrate on and wind down to, I've been having no luck with Netflix, I think I went through five movies on my watch list that I watched for 15 minutes then deleted beccause they sucked.  Just started season 2 of The Magicians, and I still have season 4 of Vikings to watch, I may go buy the last season of 2 broke girls, that will keep me entertained as well.  I've been playing final fantasy about 20 minutes at a time.  Don't like it nearly as much as WOW but I can only play WOW at work, because it wont load on this crappy lap top.

Still talking to Zak he seems nice, not like anyone I've ever dated before, but I'm not sure if we'll ever actually get to the dating part, he's crazy busy and has yet to ask me out on an actual date, we just talk everyday, so I guess I'll take that for now.  Not really sure I'm ready to start dating, I think I need to cleanse my brain and just be for awhile.

Life is hard, painful, and funny at times, and there is never telling where it's going to take you.

Death Cab for Cutie - "Someday You Will Be Loved" (music video)

Sarah McLachlan - Fallen (Video)

I'm so over it

I am so over being Angry.  I wish this feeling of hatred and anger would pass.  I know my feelings are completely one sided and that he is living the life he always wanted, and gets to be happy.  It's that easy for him, he just gets to be happy and go on with his life, and I get to struggle to let it all go.  I'm the one that feels like they've lost something.  I've lost my future, my bestfriend, my family, the place I considered home, and I get to start all over alone.  I don't have anyone to tell about my new job or how things are finally turning around for me.  Soon I will have a new place to live and with that comes the feeling of coming home to an empty house.  Of course the dog will be there, but I'll eat dinner alone, and watch tv alone. There won't be any kids running around, no holidays to plan.  My happily ever after ended years ago, and I tried to drag it out and trick myself into thinking I could change his mind, but I was just someone to be used until he could find something better.  So that's what he gets, he gets his happiness served up on a silver platter.  He doesn't have to face these feelings of loss, he has a new best friend, he gets to keep our home, and our family, all he had to do was replace me, and he did that without thinking twice and reassured me that he didn't give a shit about me.  I'm never going to hear him say he's sorry, he'll never admit he chose her over me, or that I was ultimately just a rebound he needed to help raise two little kids.  I have to work through this on my own, and figure out a way to let it all go, to not let the past have so much power over me.  But I'm fucking angry, and I'm hurt, and I'm ashamed that I let him do this to me, and I'm ashamed that he has this much control over my feelings, it's embarrassing.   And I don't want to talk about it, I'm tired of feeling sorry for myself, and I'm tired of my friends feeling sorry for me.  I just want to fast forward a year where everything is better and these feelings are finally gone, and I've finally moved on to a better place.  I deserve to be happy, and to be loved, and no it's not as easy for me to just replace people, I've never worked that way, and I can't just cut the past out of my life, and I can't just cut the kids off even though they are a painful reminder of what will never be.  It's completely unfair, and I want to send bad energy his way, but I'm not that person.  I don't want anyone to suffer, no matter what they've done or made me feel.  I just want it all to stop.

When I think back on us

When I think back on us, I think about all the things I never told you. 7 years seems like a long time not to know the person you live with. But I feel like you never really knew who I was.  I never talked to you about who I had been, or growing up as a child.  I avoided any topic that would allow you to pass judgement on me.  You passed judgement so easily in my everyday life, I guess I didn't want you looking down on me and telling me how weird I was. Or stocking up ammunition to use against me in an argument.  I raised your children, I tried to teach them wrong from right, I spent so many nights curled up on the couch alone.  Some of the lonely nights of my life were spent with you ignoring me in the other room.  Never giving me a chance to grow as a person, or to become interested in the same things as you.  You just brushed me off as a lost cause.  The errand girl used to drive your kids to their appointments day after day. Picking them up from school, dropping them off at practice.  You'd get pissed when I'd get angry, never asking yourself why I was so angry.  Even now you don't ask yourself why I've cut myself off from you.  Why I feel so hurt and so broken by what you've done when in your eyes you were done with me two years ago, and I was still holding onto hope, sleeping with you like an idiot, thinking you'd change your mind and our family would magically mend itself.  When you were constantly searching for something, anything that would replace me, because you were done with me and I was useless to you.  You will never be able to look back on those 7 years and say you loved me, you could never answer questions about who I am, or why I am the way that I am. You will never understand the way my mind works or why I stayed, why I fought for us when I was the only one in the ring.  You said you loved me, but it doesn't feel like love, and what you've left me with doesn't feel like friendship, or any remote form of respect.  You finally found that perfection you were searching for and I just have to accept that I wasn't it, and hope that there is someone out there that will one day fall in love with every imperfect and quirky thing about me.  Someone that will see my worth and will wake up happy that I am still lying next to them, someone who is not constantly searching for someone to fill my spot.

The Lumineers - Nobody Knows (From "Pete's Dragon")

How the creators of “Loving Vincent” brought the first fully painted animated film to life

Love watching his paintings come to life, although I'm not a huge fan and found the film to concentrate more on the mystery surrounding his death then what people find to be the genius behind his work.



How the creators of “Loving Vincent” brought the first fully painted animated film to life