I just did that.

I just used an Elmer's Glue stick to reapply adhesive to an Incredibles stamp so that I could mail a transcript request to my former University.  There are so many things wrong with this situation, and all of them make me laugh!

Ylvis - The Fox (What Does the Fox Say?) [Official music video HD]

I cannot get this out of my head and it is driving me nuts!

I'm feeling a Theme.

When I went to the post office the other day to pick up stamps for my wedding invitations, the woman behind the counter said she had no wedding stamps that I had a choice between Disney or Johnny Cash.  I realize now that she was offering me a choice, I guess I should have gone with Disney instead of walking out that door.  On the other hand I have always appreciated Johnny Cash's music so today's theme song brings it all together!

I didn't think I'd lose so much at once.

I'm cleaning, I went to put the cats picture and ashes together; Tears began to fall.  I didn't think in a months time I would lose the love of my life, and the one companion that always kept me together.  Times are changing fast and there is no telling which way it will go, or how it will all end up.  I know I am in shock, I am trying desperately to keep it together, and I am certain once I am left to hold it on my own, I will lose it, tears will fall, screams will be heard, hearts will be shattered.  

On another note, the invitations to the Bridal Shower arrived to go with the piles of other worthless shit in my basement.  I realized a lot of the shit was paper or flammable material of some type.  I also have an unopened bag of Marshmallows, a Box of Graham crackers, and several bars of chocolate.  No to mention the unused lighter from not smoking.  I also have a full tank of gas an empty mini van and directions to Theresa's house.

Can you say Mother Fucker!

     That's where I am at right now.  Mother Fucker!  I have a wedding in two months, I have cold feet, and he pretty much stood up and ran screaming from the ice cold water.  What to do, what to do.  I probably shouldn't even put this on my blog for the world to see, but my thoughts are going to explode inside my brain and this is my out.  It's been my out, I've had this damn blog since 2007 and it's gotten me through some pretty shitty situations.
     I'm still not back at work, so I have no stable income, a groom on the run, a house that's not mine, two kids I can't bear to let go of, a dog, and only a dog because my best friend the cat up and died on my on Friday the 13th, and I am pretty certain at this point he was trying to send me one last message.  Oh and my mother is living with us!
     And no, my mother is not the root of our problems, she is not insane or overbearing, in fact I think she is the only thing that has kept me from diving further into the deep abyss.  She keeps me grounded and makes me feel like I need to be sane and think logically, something Dustin to this day still thinks I am unable to do.  I really think my weird, quirky, spastic personality is really too much for someone who is calm and reserved.  Two of the things I may add that I love the absolute most about him.
      So my days are going like this,  I think I'll sort some pictures, but do I organize then in one container or do I need to separate them into family piles, and if he has one family pile, and I have no family pile then does that mean I'm deciding we are not one big family because I don't really want that, but I don't really want to have to resort the pictures again because it's going to hurt like hell.
    Skip sorting the pictures how about my computer.  Again maybe I should take everything off the computer that is not genetically connected to me or connected to my past somehow.  That's 4 years of pictures and he is going to need them, that include Kindergarten graduations, first day of school for the last 4 years.  Birthday, holidays, funerals, new friends, old relatives.  It's all a big mess, we are so completely intertwined.  And I don't want my hard drive to be empty of any of them, I fear my i mac may begin to rot inside from a broken heart without their smiling facings to keep it going. 
    The kids are looking forward to Halloween, Dusty is R2D2 and he has been begging me for Months to be princess Leia.  He keeps asking me about my costume.
     The lady across the street keeps asking me to come over for a visit. Do I go visit or wait till it's time to say good bye and then go over for some tea.
     Things are so stupidly complicated right now, and every night I go to bed and wake up again the next morning, hoping this will be different, that they will have some how have turned themselves around.  Theresa told me not to get married, I should have listened, and next time I will. I don't want to be a failure, or a disappointment to anyone, I also don't want to put pressure on anyone, but I love him, I want to marry him, and I will do it, in a white dress in a church or barefoot in the back yard, with or without family, flowers, music, decorations, it was never about the wedding, it was about him and our family, and now I feel like I'm on the outside, where I was always afraid I would end up.
     It's funny because when you start dating someone and you say look here's honesty, I don't want to get into this huge commitment that were just going to bail from in a few years, get all wrapped up in ourselves and end up sorting DVD's on the living room floor when you decide you hate me, we have nothing in common, you want more, ect...    And they always say the same thing.  But I love you, I love spending time with you, and that's not going to happen trust me.   Never trust anyone that tells you to trust them, and at the first chance of heartache, run fast, run hard, and don't look back.  Loneliness may be hard to handle and my come with tears and a heavy heart but with loneliness, there is still a heart, you can still feel it beating, and there is always hope that your best friend is around the corner.  A broken heart is sick, it's angry, it's hurts, and it produces an emptiness that is so deep and so hard to fill, that even hope has no place to hold one.