Today was the day. I counted down to this day as though my world was ending, but here I sit and I'm still alive, I'm still breathing, and nothing has changed. My best friend is still gone, there is no going back, and his fate is forever sealed, so I guess one thing has changed, that door he slammed on me two years ago that I've been staring at as though I could walk through it, is finally solid, locked, and I no longer have a key. Literally he apparently changed the locks on his house, I guess he really didn't trust me. Just goes to show you never actually know someone no matter what you think.
I haven't cried. I haven't cried in two days, I haven't seen him in 4 months, and I haven't cried in two days, that is pathetic progress at its finest. But at least I am learning to let go, and to stop idolizing him, and seeing him for what he truly was. There is no questionable future, the yo yo's been cut, and he will never be the person he was to me. That makes me sad. Because he was a good man in my eyes, he wasn't the type of person to lie to me, or cheat on his girlfriend who he was apparently dating while we were still sleeping together. I didn't know, so I don't blame myself, and I feel sorry for her that it happened, I obviously wouldn't have been with him had I known. But he married her, so I guess she wins? As if that is a situation you want to come out on top from.
Today is a miserably gloomy day, you would never know it was spring outside walking through the cold snowish rain. Hopefully I sleep tonight, and wake up tomorrow and go on with my life. I hope I find my mind filled with thoughts of other things, maybe my writers block, or my artistic block will find a way to lower it's guard. I'm anxious about my new job and the overwhelming responsibilities that come with it, I know I can do it, I have it in me and the money is going to change so many things for me. I can't wait to have my own place to live again. It's been 13 years since I lived "on my own" I'm going to unpack every box I own despite what weird things might be in them, it will be interesting in the least.
I bought a cross stitch kit, I thought what a cute project to keep my mind occupied. But damn it's hard, first of all I didn't realize my eye sight was so bad. I can only hope it actually looks like tinker bell when I'm done. I mean hell I spent five minutes trying to determine was was light grey vs bluish grey and once I gave in to a choice I spent another five minutes trying to thread the needle through. You would think I would be more talented than that, but no such luck. At least it gives me something to concentrate on and wind down to, I've been having no luck with Netflix, I think I went through five movies on my watch list that I watched for 15 minutes then deleted beccause they sucked. Just started season 2 of The Magicians, and I still have season 4 of Vikings to watch, I may go buy the last season of 2 broke girls, that will keep me entertained as well. I've been playing final fantasy about 20 minutes at a time. Don't like it nearly as much as WOW but I can only play WOW at work, because it wont load on this crappy lap top.
Still talking to Zak he seems nice, not like anyone I've ever dated before, but I'm not sure if we'll ever actually get to the dating part, he's crazy busy and has yet to ask me out on an actual date, we just talk everyday, so I guess I'll take that for now. Not really sure I'm ready to start dating, I think I need to cleanse my brain and just be for awhile.
Life is hard, painful, and funny at times, and there is never telling where it's going to take you.
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