My Greatest Fear.....

My greatest fear is that one day an English teacher will show up at my door, and smack me for all my grammatical errors.

Step Motherhood

I am not sure what happened between then and now.  Every interaction I've had with children had been fleeting.  The last man wanted trophies to show off with no responsibilities.  I remember showing up at his house and seeing his large sausage fingers wrapped around that little pink neck.  I yanked on him so hard that I thought the real damage would be from the force of me pulling him into my arms.  I held him for hours pacing back and forth singing Me and Bobby McGhee .  There were no marks and he appeared fine.  Looking back I should have called the police or taken him to the hospital the day I said goodbye for the last time, he was 3.  He could speak but he would never remember me or the fact that I saved his life.I swore to myself no more kids.  They hold onto your hearts every time the asshole in their life walks away.  I started looking for someone new, something different.  I needed comfort and stability so naturally I looked to the Internet.  I wanted a man which is an entirely different thought in itself.  The man must be single, employed, educated, and must not have children.6:00 am freshly laid from Mr. Wrong and I receive a message from a cute guy with 2 kids, who was looking for love in clearly all the wrong places.  I agreed to meet.  I through my wants and needs right out the window, and now here I am 3.5 years later waiting for my soon to be step daughter to get out of her play group.  She is such a beautiful girl of 9 who smiles energetically one moment. And is caught staring off with her dark dangerous eyes.  I look at them like a book and try to read the pain that's behind them.  It's as though she's finally discovered what the rest of bus all ready know.  That she is unique and her family is so twisted that any outsider finds is difficult to sort out all the pieces.  What she doesn't know that as much as her mother curls my nerves and her oldest sibling annoy me so.  That next to her father and her brother I love her more than I could ever imagined I would.  She reminds me of me before all the mistakes and regrets.  She is beautiful and kind and one cruel word from her mouth can break my heart in pieces.  I anticipate her growing old,  I look forwards to being friends and always being there for her to turn to and to trust, always keeping her from harms way.

Old Love, New Love

The first piece of true writing I've done in a awhile

Old Love, New Love

you laid across the floor in the darkness of your living room,  naked, silent, longing.  The room whispered her name gently as my mind quietly held onto thoughts of him.

My presence broke the silence, it felt wrong but my objections came too late.  Your cold fingers undressed me; pulling me close, inviting yourself in. 

 Your flowers, wine and 3 hour conversations, clashed with his lies, betrayal, and broken hearts.

I knew my choice as the words rose from the bottom of my throat, I screamed No!,  I can't with such passion that being pushed away seemed confusing.  I awkwardly gathered my clothes,  avoiding your eyes as I slipped into them and walked out the door.

Happy Birthday Poseidon!

Today was the cats 12th birthday.  I had forgotten the date until this afternoon and then all of a sudden it came to me, which made sense of why I woke up with his fuzzy butt planted on my face.  I cannot believe that I have had this relationship for 12 years.  When I think of the tears that have been shed across his fur, the anxiety attacks settled by his purr, and the laughter he has caused just being himself.  I love him and have always said that if he were a human he would be the love of my life.   I hope he lives for another 8 years, I want my first child to love him as much as the kids do.