Good Bye

I could  cling to every good memory of us, until my heart overflows with the pain of losing what was left of you.
Instead I'll cling to every painful thing you ever said to me.  I'll drown out every good memory with the sound of your voice belittling me,
I'll remember what a failure you seemed to think I was, and how useless my thoughts and feelings were to someone who never understood the depths of the human spirit.
Every time your smile flashes across my mind, I'll push it away with every fuck you you ever screamed at me.
Every time I wonder why not me, I'll answer that question with, because my dear you've been humiliated enough and it's time to move on to something better, something more beautiful, someone that understands who you are and can understand the beauty you see in the world around you.
I won't cling to every good memory we had, because the bad always outweighs the good and that is the constant reminder that builds enough strength in me to finally push you away.  So good riddance my love, and may you never cross paths with someone who looks at you with as much discontent you once looked at me with.

Kandi Coated Thoughts on Tumblr

I don't feel like moving all of my poetry back over to this blog, so you can find it on my tumbler. Along with other poetry I've collected

Kandi Coated Thoughts on Tumblr

Fatal Attraction

Fatal Attraction

I have to get to her, I thought to myself, my head tucked inside my coat in an attempt to block the cold.  I was freezing; my hands were clenched inside my pockets as I walked briskly down the sidewalk. She was all I could think about.

 I’ll never forget the first time I saw her.  It was instant fatal attraction. I knew I would do anything to make her mine.  She was the most beautiful I had ever seen.  Looking at her was like watching the sunshine for the very first time and in that instant, all I had to know what it would feel like to slip inside her.

This memory kept me warm as I walked further down the street growing colder. The wind was picking up.  As I passed the bakery I saw two kids through the window sitting in the corner on their jackets, playing rock, paper, scissors.  Their mothers sitting in the chairs above them.  Probably gossiping.  Women are always gossiping.  They think their so damn flawless, but deep down inside their just as dirty and tainted as men. 

Except her.

She is flawless in every way.  Must get to her quickly, I thought, checking my watch. It’s been an hour. Longer than I had planned on being gone. I must get to her before someone finds her and tries to take her from me.

 I picked up my pace.  Just two more blocks to go. Down a flight of steps and behind the abandoned restaurant.  I shouldn’t have left her there, but I didn’t have a choice.  I couldn’t leave her out in the open.  She might just disappear.  

I started to lose the feeling in my fingers, so I thought about how smooth she felt the first time I touched her. It was exhilarating.  The faint sent of cherries on every breath.  The way her hard tiny knobs felt between my thick fingers as I gently twisted them.  The more I twisted, the louder she came alive, screaming out to me.

My friends laughed when I first told them about her, They said she was in a class of her own.  That I didn’t stand a chance.  I would never be able to get her, just working maintenance for the city. But I was determined to make her mine.  I knew I had to show them, and I did. 

 If they could only see the power I have over her. 

The control.

Who’s laughing now? 

If only my friends had been nice to me. I would have let them have a turn.  She could have handled all of us.  But not now.  They aren’t worthy.  I don’t need them anyway.  I have her and that’s more than enough.

Damn I am so cold.  The fifteen minute walk back from the bank seemed to be taking forever.  I should have skipped my appt.  I hate bankers; they’re always looking down on me like I’m trash. They think if you don’t have a big fancy house with a job clearing seven figures then you’re worth nothing at all.  Just like my damn friends, always looking down on me.

I think that’s my attraction to her.  I have the power in our relationship.  She never questions me.  She just does what I ask.  When I ask. 

Standing on the corner, waiting for the light to change, if felt like my crotch was going numb. I started hitting the button.  Come on Whammies! Whammies, Whammies Stop!

If only that worked, Of course there are No Whammy’s when it comes to traffic lights.  Just the pleasure of waiting, standing in the cold, listening to the idiots next to me going on about the 1999 European PGA tour.  Who gives a fuck about golf, it’s below freezing in the middle of January, and we’re in America, for God’s sake. 

As the light turned I hurried across the street. Just a bit further. I’ve been gone an hour and fifteen minutes, way longer than I had intended.  Damn bankers always taking their sweet time. I don’t even see the point in wearing this damn watch, it always seems like someone else is controlling my time anyways.

She had better still be there, If something has happened to her I don’t know what to do.

 The urge to be in her grows stronger with every step.  I just want to feel the heat penetrating from her body as I slip inside.

Approaching the abandoned restaurant, my pants tighten up.  Just knowing she’s down the steps and around the corner is turning me on. 

Man, after the day I’ve had, I’m really going to give it to her hard tonight.  I just have to find a safe place to go.  That new strip of road out by the airport should work.  There are no streetlights.  Plus the noise from the planes coming off the runway will drown out her screams, and add to the adrenaline rush.

I round the corner and I see her, my cock is throbbing as I approach the spot where I left her.   I never thought a yellow 2000 Ford Mustang could cause a fatal attraction.  After all, I’d always been a Chevy guy.

She doesn’t have any tickets, although the sign clearly states one hour parking.  I climb inside, breathing the sweet smell of cherry air freshener. Her soft leather interior is still warm.  I turn the key and hear her moan as the engine started up, turning her radio knob gently, Iris by the Goo Goo Dolls begins.  The perfect song, for my perfect girl.

~KKirk

I Lied.

I want for nothing I said, but I lied.
I want to feel love, and hear laughter, and feel electricity at the hand of another.
I want for nothing I said, but I lied.
I want to be heard, understood.
I want for nothing I said, but I lied.

~Kandi

Fireflies

It was a warm night in June.  The air was starting to chill and the woods were beginning to darken.  I was meeting Carmen; she was tall and elegant with hair the color of flames. 

   We met halfway between here and there, at the crossroads in the center of the woods, there was no one around.  Benches lined an incline close to the road; trees blocked the traffic making the area surrounding us seem like nowhere.  We had gone into the woods to get high and look at Fire Flies.  We lit our joints and waited. 

​After our third drag, We spotted a Firefly  then came another and another one. This wasn't enough for us, we were there to experience nature, we needed more. 

     Carmen and I wanted to see the sky light up, like stars in an empty field.  We decided that the only way to make this possible was singing to the fire flies.  We thought maybe if we asked them to appear, they would reveal a light so special that the two people earning so much to see them, would stare in disbelief.  We started singing, and we sang whatever came to mind. We spoke to the Fireflies, letting them know how beautiful they were and how lucky we felt to be exposed to their light.  We beckoned the Fireflies upon us, hoping we would have the pleasure of seeing them shine.  The trees gradually began to fill with light; we stood up and turned in circles watching the Fireflies swooping in around us; They were beautiful.  

     We sat down on the benches to smoke the rest of our joints and to view the rest of our private showing. A Firefly flew up to me,  and I thanked him, for showing himself to us, and thanked him for being so beautiful.   

    We had spoken to  them and they had answered.  Carmen and I thanked the powers that be that night.  We showed gratitude for the  sweet grass we inhaled,  for the warm spring night on the brink of Summer, and we thanked them for their beautiful creation of Fireflies.   Natures way of lighting mimicking the night sky.  The Fireflies lit our way through the woods.  They showed us the way home, and they disappeared. 

​Weeks later Carmen and I returned with friends, determined to recreate that spectacular night.  There were five of us,  But the fireflies didn’t show.  Carmen and I knew we were special, the fireflies had chosen us and we were able to experience that moment that would stay with us for a lifetime.

~Kandi Kirk

Illusions

It’s all an Illusion.

Trixie makes her way down the dark hallway the humidity; makes breathing difficult.  The screams of her friends echo through the surrounding walls. She is startled by her distorted reflection multiplied in shadows down the wall.  Instinctively she makes a sharp left as she attempts to recall the lay out of the building in her mind. 

The once familiar maze has her confused.  The darkness and smoke have created a parallel universe.  Do I go left or right she thinks to herself. Right. I’ll go right. That should lead down to the next hallway.

Stepping to the right, the floor gives out below her and she begins to fall. It's only an illusion she tells herself. The heat inside the building is overwhelming and she can feel the panic set in as the oxygen is slowly sucked out of the air. Count to ten she thinks.  Count slowly to ten then breathe. 

The walls begin to quickly close in. 

This is a nightmare.  I’m going to die inside my very own nightmare.  But it’s just an illusion.  It’s all an illusion. No! Panicking she screams, I have to get out of here. 

She begins to run, crossing the rickety bridge she slips, her hand getting tangled in the rope as her body hits the hard uneven wood below.  Her wrist snaps in a horrifying sound of bone snapping as an unsettling pain shoots through her left arm. 

I an attempt to untangle herself her body falls halfway into the water below the bridge and she finds herself half tangled in the rope and half tangled with a human body floating in the water.  Terrified she jerks her body to get away, pulling tighter on the rope and causing even more pain in her already mangled hand.

Soaked through to her skin the moisture starts to rise off her body in a deep humidity making it even more difficult to breathe.  She begins to suffocate, and reminds herself again to breathe.

If I can just stay calm, I will find my way out of here, I just have to remember this is all an illusion.

I have to go.  I have to get up and get out of here or I’m not going to make it.

Although the screams are becoming more distant, she can still hear them echoing through the walls around her.

A mixture of pain and terror set in causing adrenaline to go rushing through her body.  In one bold move she is off.  Bolting down the hallways.  She makes her way through the maze like structure with ease as though in that moment she could clearly recall every inch of the floor plan.  Then the realization hits. She’s made a wrong and possibly fatal turn. She continues to move forward acknowledging that the floor has given way to tracks, and she can feel the rocks shifting beneath her feet. 

The whistle from the train cuts sharply across the air as its one headlight shining brightly down the dark tunnel blinds her.  She screams and as the train passes through her, her entire body goes limp.  

She can see the dark smoke starting to circulate through the dark tunnel; laying mangled on the tracks she picks up her body with her one good arm, heaving for air.  Smoke fills her lungs as she begins to cough and then instantly falls limp.

I refuse to give up she thinks to herself, I will not die like this.  There should be an emergency exit just a little further up the tunnel.

She pulls her broken body off the ground and slowly limps towards the exit.  Her limp body gives way to a quick walk and before she even realizes it, she’s running again at full speed.  Acknowledging the flickering red light above the door she hits the door without slowing down, and without hitting the handle to let her out, crushing her already broken hand against the burning metal door.  As she pushes on the metal lever she feels blisters bubbling on her skin. As she walks through the emergency exit she find herself trapped in a wall of flames.

Her flesh starts to burn, blisters form on the surface of her skin as she struggles to find the door. Gaining her balance she uses all her weight to push through the second door.  She steps into a room surrounded by mirrors, she feels the cold water from the sprinkler system extinguishing the flames, and as the shock begins to set in, her charred reflection stares back at her from the mirror.  Her blistered lips look oddly familiar as they mouth; this is all an illusion.   The salt from her tears burns at her face as she pushes desperately at the mirrors searching for the one that will give way to the outside.  

As she stumbles out of the funhouse, a wave of oxygen washes over her, The humid 90 degree air is oddly cool against the burns festering on her body.  The spotlights from the police cars are blinding as she begins to walk towards them.  There is so much noise but she can’t make out what anyone is saying.  She feels a searing pain tear through her chest.  Looking down she sees the blood pouring out of her.  A familiar face runs towards her out of the crowd as she Collapses.  Gasping for air she reminds herself, this is all an illusion.  Her body deflates as the familiar face screams out from the crowd. 

It’s not her.  She works here.  IT WASN’T HER! 

Paying no attention the police surround her body as the fireman moves in to extinguish what’s left of the flames.  After the fire has succeeded, the remains of the arsonist are found trapped inside the rotating room.

~Kandi Kirk

Miniature Golf

​It was a hot Saturday afternoon, James dressed in his typical ripped up jeans, and red t-shirt, with black vans.  He was out on the miniature golf course giving lessons.  

​It's all about the length of your club says James, you have to be able to swing it just right or your ball wont get where your aiming.  

​Stepping out onto the first hole, James notices a hottie in a tight white shirt, and short green skirt, that chick couldn't be more than 14.  Just the way I like em' old enough to lie to her parents, but still stupid enough to sleep with me.  

​Dan says uhm yeah sure she's pretty hot.  It takes Dan 7 tries to nail the ball in on the first hole, and of course James nails it in the first time, only adding to his already swelling ego.  

​They move onto the second hole and James being cocky, drives the putter as hard as he can sending the blue golf ball flying in the air, over the hole where it ricochets  off the number 3 post, flies back and pops him right in the mouth, knocking his front tooth loose, he can taste the blood in his mouth.   Jesus says Dan, you alright? I'm just fine says James just wanted to show you what can happen if you don't control your ball carefully.  James notices the little hottie giggling from 2 holes away, she turns away as soon as he spots her.  Dan steps up swings and nails it in on the first try.  Huh says James, thats just beginners luck.  Nobody gets a hole in one on this course.

​With a bruised ego and a mouth full of blood, James moves Dan onto hole number three.  He notices that the hotties family is holding her up and is hoping they can get through the next two holes quickly enough so they end up directly behind them.  Dan swings first tripping up his putter on the ground.  James just laughs, I told you it's all about the length of your putter, if it's to short you'll never get down there and if it's too long you'll spend all day tripping over it and never hit where your aiming.  Finally three tries later Dan sinks it in, it takes James 2 tries and the hole is complete.  This is pretty fun says Dan, do you do this a lot.  I am a professional says James, the best this course has ever seen, I am unbeatable.

​Moving up to hole number Four James fails to notice his shoe is untied and he trips knocking himself slightly unconscious on a rock the size of a remote control truck.  Dan reaches down to grab his hand, my god you have to be careful that's the second injury you've sustained and we are only on hole number Four.  I'm telling you Dan, says James, the golf course is a dangerous place, and only a real man can stand the challenges of a course like this.

James nails the ball in on the first try, getting a little better Dan nails it on try number two, and they move on.

​Realizing the 14 year old is now just a hole a head of them, James tries to step up his game just a bit.  This hole here he tells Dan, is like a mountain range, you want to climax it to the very top before bringing it down on the other side, you've got to do it slowly and gently and put just a little extra behind it, otherwise the ball will just keep coming back every time.  James steps up swings perfectly as the ball slides in on a hole in one.  Dan over swings missing the hole completely and ends up digging his ball out of the rock foundation two holes over.  Boy!  You’re going to kill someone with a swing like that says James, Dan tries 5 more times frustrated because he just can't get the ball into the hole.  I'm over this hole says Dan, lets just move on.  Sooth your temper Dan it's all about getting the ball in the hole, no one is perfect there first go around, practice makes perfect if you don't practice and you don't get any better then you'll never be anything but just plane screwed.

​Moving on to hole six James is eyeing his little hottie as she bends over to pick up her pink ball.  They are just one hole ahead of us, if we lay this one out on the first try we can stand right behind her without looking suspicious.  With that said, Dan steps up swings and nails a hole in one.  Nice job Dan, I always have a hard time on this one.  James swings as the ball rolls up the hill and down missing the hole by less than an inch.  One handed he takes the club and taps it in.  Bending down to pick up the balls, James hears a rip.  Wouldn't you know it there goes my jeans, yep says Dan, ain't nothing left on your behind but a bunch of squirrels playing on your boxer shorts.  Damnit I did not need this today, Fucking July it's a hundred degrees outside, I'm sweating, toothless, and now I have no back to my pants.  Well considering part of the front was already missing says Dan; I would say it's time for some new pants.

​They move up to hole seven where the hottie and her family are finishing up their game.  They seem to all be bickering about something, but with all the voices going at once its hard to hear what’s being said. 

​ You want to play through?  Excuse me says James, I said do you want to play through to the next hole?  No that’s OK we'll just wait.  The family goes back to arguing as James and Dan stand back and check out the daughter.   As she bends over to pick up her pink ball again, James notices she's not wearing any panties under her shorts.  Hey Dan check it out, now that’s what I would call a hole in one.  Knock it off James she's not even legal.  Thats right up there with sleeping with a cousin or something.  Wait a second Dan, my cousin is pretty hot and well it doesn't matter, as long as the parents think it's OK, its fine by me.

​The family moves onto the final hole, while James and Dan step up to Hole seven.  The object of this hole here, is to hit the ball hard enough to get it through not only the first pipe but from the first pipe to the back hole without getting the ball wet by having it fly into the stream.  This one seems to be more of a challenge and although Dan can get the ball through the first pipe, it just doesn't want to go in the back hole.  It keeps rolling around the hole and bouncing out, but just wont sink in.  You’re pushing to hard Dan, just loosen up and ease it in nice and slow.  Perfect.  James goes next nails it in three shots, and they take their place in line behind the hottie and her family.

​As they are waiting on hole 8 to open up, James notices the hottie having trouble with her swing.  At the same time he notices this, her father notices him staring at his little girls ass.  James walks up and offers to help with her stance, as he goes to slide his hands down her smooth thighs, her back swing nails him right in the face at the same time her dad clubs him from behind. 

​ Uncle Rick he's been making comments about Stephanie all day you shouldn't let your daughter walk around in such skimpy clothes. 

​Oh yeah Dan, well you shouldn't let people talk smack about your cousin like that.  What are you going to do when you two get married, just let guys drool all over her all day?  

​What was I suppose to do, the guy was teaching me how to golf, practice makes perfect you know, and I'm worried about the size of my club I just don't think my game is going to be adequate enough for Stephanie.  

​As James starts moaning and coming through Stephanie kicks him in the mouth, knocking out two more teeth.  

​Jesus lord girl your gonna kill the man right here in plain sight, Help me move him of the course Dan.   

​Dan and Rick drag James's body over to the bridge, laying him face first in a foot and half of bright blue water. 

​ Now come on Son let's play through, and for god sakes Stephanie next time you go out in public put some underwear on...............

11:00 pm Saturday night local news.  A 27 year old man was found face down in a foot of water underneath a bridge on a miniature golf course, the apparent victim of an accident.  It seems the man was playing golf when he tripped over his shoe lace slipped on the wet sidewalk, knocking out his front teeth and managing to land face first in the water under the bridge.   The police on scene said that he had apparently tried to get up at some point but slammed his head into the bottom of the bridge knocking himself unconscious.  Apparently at sometime during this tragic accident he managed to rip his pants and due to the color of the water when we found his cold stiff body, it was bluer than usual and the only thing completely noticeable was the squirrels playing on his boxer shorts.  What a shame said the police officer, he was only on the 8th hole, he never even had the chance to play through.

~Kandi Kirk

Vegetation

When I was young, I looked like every other seed in the bag, small, awkward, even a bit unattractive, I was chosen above all the rest.  He saw something in me that even I could not see in myself, potential. 

As time went on I blossomed, my outer layers forming, first from a hard leathery green, and then eventually to a beautiful shade of read that was smooth as silk to the touch.  I sat atop my beautifully leafy pedestal with the sun glistening down on my delicious skin, and I was the most beautiful specimen ever to grace this wondrous garden. The carrots stood next to me stiff with envy, while the onions wept over my untouchable beauty.  The radishes grew red with rage at the very thought of my beautiful shade, as they new nothing could compare with my beautiful skin.

When he approached us on this day, everyone became quiet with anticipation, but it came as no surprise when it was I he picked over everyone else.  I was proud, and I experienced a joy unlike anything else I had felt in my life, and in the next moment, I felt myself starting to die. He carried me from the garden into his home and after washing me with harsh water, he gave me a new place to rest upon a stiff paper towel in the window above his sink. 

At this point I was feeling betrayed, and I did not know what would come next.  I had heard talks of people disappearing from the garden never to return, and I figured this must be the part of the journey no one has ever lived to tell about.  I was going to die, and the only questions left were how and when. Maybe he will make it quick and painless, maybe this spot is only temporary, or maybe he will leave me sitting on the window sill for a few days pondering what will happen next, wondering where my destiny will take me.  

It seemed like days had gone by but since the sun had only set and not risen again, I knew that it had only been hours.  The man approached me again, and gently lifted me off the windowsill.  He then placed me on my side against a cold block of wood, and while is gently restrained me with one hand, in the other he picked up a long shiny object.  I felt the cold blade touch my soft skin, and then sink deeply into me, the process was quick as he lifted the weapon and lowered into me again,  I could feel my juices starting to flow out of my body, and my once round figure had been diminished into small thin slices.  

As I lay there dying, I knew that this is what I had lived for.  It was not beauty to bring happiness to ones eye, or a lovely scent to tickle the nose, it was sustence. I lived so that one day, this man whom I had befriende and trusted, could enjoy my death.  And I new that I was not the last, but like those who had gone before me, it was too late to go back and warn those that will follow.  My fate had been sealed.

~Kandi Kirk

Happiness

I think drug abusers choose to do drugs on the playground; because it's the last place they remember leaving their happiness. ~Kandi

Climb the highest peak.

When you look past those things you use to define other people, that you use to define yourself.

When you search beyond the physical, beyond the mental, when you throw away what you consider to be flaws.

You uncover a soul.  
A soul that has survived the worst life has to offer, the deepest of loss.  The darkest of pain.

A soul that has turned around and climb to the highest peak; with the greatest of love, the brightest of sunshine, and begged for only the slightest of breath to survive. 
A soul that can show you that the shell of who we are on the outside, can never define the person we have chosen to become on the inside.  It is merely a shell protecting us from the rest of the world and their inability to understand.    ~Kandi

Sucked Dry

Sucking me dry.

Lashing out with your tongue; taking me down layer by layer.

Eager to reach the hidden prize inside.

Impatiently you bite through.
In the middle is not what you expected.
Corrosion.

Ugliness.

You leave me exposed.
Shattered and sticky.
The unpleasantness of my insides hanging out.

My sweetness.
Flavor.
My tough exterior gone forever.

I am ruined.  
~Kandi

To young to understand.

I was too young to understand my sexuality, 
my beating heart racing home, it's sitting next to you on the bus.
 I know that I wanted you, your tall stature your long legs, black hair so soft.
 I wanted to beg you for a kiss but I shied away not knowing what to do.
 Hiding my feelings, you make me feel like a woman but I was just a little girl.

~Kandi

Personal Wisdom.

When I think back on the cruel men who have come in and out of my life,  I often hear people say, it wasn't your fault.  You can't blame yourself because he was a this, that or the other.  And I agree, it is not anyone's fault when they find themselves in an abusive relationship.  You cannot change how a person treats you, however you can take the ultimate responsibility for staying and continuing to take it.

If you find yourself in one of these situations, if your scared. If you're being threatened, if the cops are at your door to arrest you because he has manipulated the situation to fit his needs, know you can leave, you can run, you can walk out with nothing or everything, material things don't matter, and even a short period of time lost in limbo is worth finding a safe footing for you to move forward. ~Kandi

Underneath The Willow Tree

Underneath The Willow Tree

Underneath the willow tree are secrets I can't tell,

And if the crickets rat me out, they'll send me,

Straight to hell.

You really should have thought it through before you tried to tell.  You knew from the beginning that

my mind was not that well.

I warned you once and warned you twice right before I snapped.  

And all that I can say right now, is I hope you like your nap.
~Kandi

My intentions were good.

   I had every intention of writing through the entire month of December.  The month came and went and not a word was typed.  Its not that the month went by uneventful, their were events, just none that sparked a creative note in my body.   
   I did get to see Theresa for a short period of time at Christmas.  We had an American Horror Story marathon that lasted well into the morning.  I did not find season 2 as disturbing as season 1, which is strange since season 2 touched on a real topic that was an actually issue back then and season 1 was more haunting s and ghostly figures.  But then Theresa had to leave early to attend to family matters, or to escape my significant other being an asshole yet again.  I cannot wait until he goes to counseling,  I should says I hope he goes to counseling, I think it will be very good for him and for us.
    I should be returning to work soon.  I guess they decided after 8 weeks of no pay that they would let me come back to work after all.  That is what they say but that can change at any moment.  By Wednesday it should all be settled.
     I want to take a mini road trip some place interesting but close by.  Savannah has always been at the top of my list, but somewhere like Atlanta or Memphis, even Nashville something with interesting things to see and do.  A spa and some interesting sights to see, feedback is definitely welcome.
     I changed my blog to the look of love, although love and I are not exactly chummy right at this moment.  I am also hoping for a gym membership and to be able to work with a personal trainer to drop some of these pounds that I insist on lugging around and letting depress me.  I suppose that's about it for now.  The gossip columns have not even been interesting these past couple weeks.
     Its cold outside and the temperature makes me sad, I'm never able to get comfortable and leave trails of clothes all over the house.  I saw the Hobbit the other day wearing leggings under my jeans, a t-shirt, sweater, and winter coat, and I still sat through 3 of the three hours with my huge purse perched on my lap as though it was an iron that was going to heat up and bring some sort of comfort.  Even now in my sweat pants tank top and sweater the top half is cold while the bottom half is fine, but if I were to start cleaning I would get really freaking hot and half to remove my sweater.  It is all so very very frustrating.
     Plus Cupcake woke me up at 5:30 am for apparently no reason and I now find myself surrounded by sleeping dogs and cats and I'm the only human awake.
     The world is about to change, my significant other will be going back to school next week, and then I will be going back to work.  It should be interesting to see how we function outside ourselves, when neither person is involved in the others day to day lives.  I like to think of it as sink or swim. 

If I were a Queen!

If I was Mary Queen of Scots, or Elizabeth, Anne Boleyn I would make sure that I was able to swing a sword. I would work out even if it was in secret so I could beat the shit out of someone. I hate seeing beautiful woman in power, weakened to a man in strength. I imagine these ladies were not as submissive as they appear, there must have been some stabbing, mutilating, bloodshed happening behind the castle walls. That is the story I want to hear! Alice slaying the Jabberwocky, Mulan taking on an Army of men, these stories were based of off some sort of fact, a desire for them to be true!

I didn't think I'd lose so much at once.

I'm cleaning, I went to put the cats picture and ashes together; Tears began to fall.  I didn't think in a months time I would lose the love of my life, and the one companion that always kept me together.  Times are changing fast and there is no telling which way it will go, or how it will all end up.  I know I am in shock, I am trying desperately to keep it together, and I am certain once I am left to hold it on my own, I will lose it, tears will fall, screams will be heard, hearts will be shattered.  

On another note, the invitations to the Bridal Shower arrived to go with the piles of other worthless shit in my basement.  I realized a lot of the shit was paper or flammable material of some type.  I also have an unopened bag of Marshmallows, a Box of Graham crackers, and several bars of chocolate.  No to mention the unused lighter from not smoking.  I also have a full tank of gas an empty mini van and directions to Theresa's house.

Can you say Mother Fucker!

     That's where I am at right now.  Mother Fucker!  I have a wedding in two months, I have cold feet, and he pretty much stood up and ran screaming from the ice cold water.  What to do, what to do.  I probably shouldn't even put this on my blog for the world to see, but my thoughts are going to explode inside my brain and this is my out.  It's been my out, I've had this damn blog since 2007 and it's gotten me through some pretty shitty situations.
     I'm still not back at work, so I have no stable income, a groom on the run, a house that's not mine, two kids I can't bear to let go of, a dog, and only a dog because my best friend the cat up and died on my on Friday the 13th, and I am pretty certain at this point he was trying to send me one last message.  Oh and my mother is living with us!
     And no, my mother is not the root of our problems, she is not insane or overbearing, in fact I think she is the only thing that has kept me from diving further into the deep abyss.  She keeps me grounded and makes me feel like I need to be sane and think logically, something Dustin to this day still thinks I am unable to do.  I really think my weird, quirky, spastic personality is really too much for someone who is calm and reserved.  Two of the things I may add that I love the absolute most about him.
      So my days are going like this,  I think I'll sort some pictures, but do I organize then in one container or do I need to separate them into family piles, and if he has one family pile, and I have no family pile then does that mean I'm deciding we are not one big family because I don't really want that, but I don't really want to have to resort the pictures again because it's going to hurt like hell.
    Skip sorting the pictures how about my computer.  Again maybe I should take everything off the computer that is not genetically connected to me or connected to my past somehow.  That's 4 years of pictures and he is going to need them, that include Kindergarten graduations, first day of school for the last 4 years.  Birthday, holidays, funerals, new friends, old relatives.  It's all a big mess, we are so completely intertwined.  And I don't want my hard drive to be empty of any of them, I fear my i mac may begin to rot inside from a broken heart without their smiling facings to keep it going. 
    The kids are looking forward to Halloween, Dusty is R2D2 and he has been begging me for Months to be princess Leia.  He keeps asking me about my costume.
     The lady across the street keeps asking me to come over for a visit. Do I go visit or wait till it's time to say good bye and then go over for some tea.
     Things are so stupidly complicated right now, and every night I go to bed and wake up again the next morning, hoping this will be different, that they will have some how have turned themselves around.  Theresa told me not to get married, I should have listened, and next time I will. I don't want to be a failure, or a disappointment to anyone, I also don't want to put pressure on anyone, but I love him, I want to marry him, and I will do it, in a white dress in a church or barefoot in the back yard, with or without family, flowers, music, decorations, it was never about the wedding, it was about him and our family, and now I feel like I'm on the outside, where I was always afraid I would end up.
     It's funny because when you start dating someone and you say look here's honesty, I don't want to get into this huge commitment that were just going to bail from in a few years, get all wrapped up in ourselves and end up sorting DVD's on the living room floor when you decide you hate me, we have nothing in common, you want more, ect...    And they always say the same thing.  But I love you, I love spending time with you, and that's not going to happen trust me.   Never trust anyone that tells you to trust them, and at the first chance of heartache, run fast, run hard, and don't look back.  Loneliness may be hard to handle and my come with tears and a heavy heart but with loneliness, there is still a heart, you can still feel it beating, and there is always hope that your best friend is around the corner.  A broken heart is sick, it's angry, it's hurts, and it produces an emptiness that is so deep and so hard to fill, that even hope has no place to hold one.

My Greatest Fear.....

My greatest fear is that one day an English teacher will show up at my door, and smack me for all my grammatical errors.

Old Love, New Love

The first piece of true writing I've done in a awhile

Old Love, New Love

you laid across the floor in the darkness of your living room,  naked, silent, longing.  The room whispered her name gently as my mind quietly held onto thoughts of him.

My presence broke the silence, it felt wrong but my objections came too late.  Your cold fingers undressed me; pulling me close, inviting yourself in. 

 Your flowers, wine and 3 hour conversations, clashed with his lies, betrayal, and broken hearts.

I knew my choice as the words rose from the bottom of my throat, I screamed No!,  I can't with such passion that being pushed away seemed confusing.  I awkwardly gathered my clothes,  avoiding your eyes as I slipped into them and walked out the door.