The List of Rules for Women

Penis Sack

     For those of you who may not be familiar with a Penis Sack, it is a small, or large  bag depending on the man; that actors wear during nude scenes to help protect their privacy.  I was in my office when over my boyfriends shoulder I see a dual picture showing a nude actor and what appears to be a nude painting posed in the same position.
     My boyfriend commented on the picture, and I said , "Is he wearing a Penis Sack?"  Maybe, he said.  So I start to explain what a Penis Sack is, where he loses it because I am speaking too loudly and the 8 and 10 year old in the other room can hear me.  I have long since known that he has a problem with the word Penis, considering he is the one who has one, I'm not certain what the problem is.  The kids being kids could not have heard me had I been screaming bloody murder in the same room.  So I am not seeing the problem. I didn't say salty chocolate balls and proceed to explain or moose knuckle, or any other derogatory term.  I also do not watch violent movies or tv like he does in front of the boy, but explaining that actors are not really naked, that it is all fake and using an anatomically correct term to do it, is a screaming crime.  People and by people I mean him, never cease to amaze me!

My intentions were good.

   I had every intention of writing through the entire month of December.  The month came and went and not a word was typed.  Its not that the month went by uneventful, their were events, just none that sparked a creative note in my body.   
   I did get to see Theresa for a short period of time at Christmas.  We had an American Horror Story marathon that lasted well into the morning.  I did not find season 2 as disturbing as season 1, which is strange since season 2 touched on a real topic that was an actually issue back then and season 1 was more haunting s and ghostly figures.  But then Theresa had to leave early to attend to family matters, or to escape my significant other being an asshole yet again.  I cannot wait until he goes to counseling,  I should says I hope he goes to counseling, I think it will be very good for him and for us.
    I should be returning to work soon.  I guess they decided after 8 weeks of no pay that they would let me come back to work after all.  That is what they say but that can change at any moment.  By Wednesday it should all be settled.
     I want to take a mini road trip some place interesting but close by.  Savannah has always been at the top of my list, but somewhere like Atlanta or Memphis, even Nashville something with interesting things to see and do.  A spa and some interesting sights to see, feedback is definitely welcome.
     I changed my blog to the look of love, although love and I are not exactly chummy right at this moment.  I am also hoping for a gym membership and to be able to work with a personal trainer to drop some of these pounds that I insist on lugging around and letting depress me.  I suppose that's about it for now.  The gossip columns have not even been interesting these past couple weeks.
     Its cold outside and the temperature makes me sad, I'm never able to get comfortable and leave trails of clothes all over the house.  I saw the Hobbit the other day wearing leggings under my jeans, a t-shirt, sweater, and winter coat, and I still sat through 3 of the three hours with my huge purse perched on my lap as though it was an iron that was going to heat up and bring some sort of comfort.  Even now in my sweat pants tank top and sweater the top half is cold while the bottom half is fine, but if I were to start cleaning I would get really freaking hot and half to remove my sweater.  It is all so very very frustrating.
     Plus Cupcake woke me up at 5:30 am for apparently no reason and I now find myself surrounded by sleeping dogs and cats and I'm the only human awake.
     The world is about to change, my significant other will be going back to school next week, and then I will be going back to work.  It should be interesting to see how we function outside ourselves, when neither person is involved in the others day to day lives.  I like to think of it as sink or swim. 

If I were a Queen!

If I was Mary Queen of Scots, or Elizabeth, Anne Boleyn I would make sure that I was able to swing a sword. I would work out even if it was in secret so I could beat the shit out of someone. I hate seeing beautiful woman in power, weakened to a man in strength. I imagine these ladies were not as submissive as they appear, there must have been some stabbing, mutilating, bloodshed happening behind the castle walls. That is the story I want to hear! Alice slaying the Jabberwocky, Mulan taking on an Army of men, these stories were based of off some sort of fact, a desire for them to be true!

I'm feeling a Theme.

When I went to the post office the other day to pick up stamps for my wedding invitations, the woman behind the counter said she had no wedding stamps that I had a choice between Disney or Johnny Cash.  I realize now that she was offering me a choice, I guess I should have gone with Disney instead of walking out that door.  On the other hand I have always appreciated Johnny Cash's music so today's theme song brings it all together!

I didn't think I'd lose so much at once.

I'm cleaning, I went to put the cats picture and ashes together; Tears began to fall.  I didn't think in a months time I would lose the love of my life, and the one companion that always kept me together.  Times are changing fast and there is no telling which way it will go, or how it will all end up.  I know I am in shock, I am trying desperately to keep it together, and I am certain once I am left to hold it on my own, I will lose it, tears will fall, screams will be heard, hearts will be shattered.  

On another note, the invitations to the Bridal Shower arrived to go with the piles of other worthless shit in my basement.  I realized a lot of the shit was paper or flammable material of some type.  I also have an unopened bag of Marshmallows, a Box of Graham crackers, and several bars of chocolate.  No to mention the unused lighter from not smoking.  I also have a full tank of gas an empty mini van and directions to Theresa's house.

Can you say Mother Fucker!

     That's where I am at right now.  Mother Fucker!  I have a wedding in two months, I have cold feet, and he pretty much stood up and ran screaming from the ice cold water.  What to do, what to do.  I probably shouldn't even put this on my blog for the world to see, but my thoughts are going to explode inside my brain and this is my out.  It's been my out, I've had this damn blog since 2007 and it's gotten me through some pretty shitty situations.
     I'm still not back at work, so I have no stable income, a groom on the run, a house that's not mine, two kids I can't bear to let go of, a dog, and only a dog because my best friend the cat up and died on my on Friday the 13th, and I am pretty certain at this point he was trying to send me one last message.  Oh and my mother is living with us!
     And no, my mother is not the root of our problems, she is not insane or overbearing, in fact I think she is the only thing that has kept me from diving further into the deep abyss.  She keeps me grounded and makes me feel like I need to be sane and think logically, something Dustin to this day still thinks I am unable to do.  I really think my weird, quirky, spastic personality is really too much for someone who is calm and reserved.  Two of the things I may add that I love the absolute most about him.
      So my days are going like this,  I think I'll sort some pictures, but do I organize then in one container or do I need to separate them into family piles, and if he has one family pile, and I have no family pile then does that mean I'm deciding we are not one big family because I don't really want that, but I don't really want to have to resort the pictures again because it's going to hurt like hell.
    Skip sorting the pictures how about my computer.  Again maybe I should take everything off the computer that is not genetically connected to me or connected to my past somehow.  That's 4 years of pictures and he is going to need them, that include Kindergarten graduations, first day of school for the last 4 years.  Birthday, holidays, funerals, new friends, old relatives.  It's all a big mess, we are so completely intertwined.  And I don't want my hard drive to be empty of any of them, I fear my i mac may begin to rot inside from a broken heart without their smiling facings to keep it going. 
    The kids are looking forward to Halloween, Dusty is R2D2 and he has been begging me for Months to be princess Leia.  He keeps asking me about my costume.
     The lady across the street keeps asking me to come over for a visit. Do I go visit or wait till it's time to say good bye and then go over for some tea.
     Things are so stupidly complicated right now, and every night I go to bed and wake up again the next morning, hoping this will be different, that they will have some how have turned themselves around.  Theresa told me not to get married, I should have listened, and next time I will. I don't want to be a failure, or a disappointment to anyone, I also don't want to put pressure on anyone, but I love him, I want to marry him, and I will do it, in a white dress in a church or barefoot in the back yard, with or without family, flowers, music, decorations, it was never about the wedding, it was about him and our family, and now I feel like I'm on the outside, where I was always afraid I would end up.
     It's funny because when you start dating someone and you say look here's honesty, I don't want to get into this huge commitment that were just going to bail from in a few years, get all wrapped up in ourselves and end up sorting DVD's on the living room floor when you decide you hate me, we have nothing in common, you want more, ect...    And they always say the same thing.  But I love you, I love spending time with you, and that's not going to happen trust me.   Never trust anyone that tells you to trust them, and at the first chance of heartache, run fast, run hard, and don't look back.  Loneliness may be hard to handle and my come with tears and a heavy heart but with loneliness, there is still a heart, you can still feel it beating, and there is always hope that your best friend is around the corner.  A broken heart is sick, it's angry, it's hurts, and it produces an emptiness that is so deep and so hard to fill, that even hope has no place to hold one.

Step Motherhood

I am not sure what happened between then and now.  Every interaction I've had with children had been fleeting.  The last man wanted trophies to show off with no responsibilities.  I remember showing up at his house and seeing his large sausage fingers wrapped around that little pink neck.  I yanked on him so hard that I thought the real damage would be from the force of me pulling him into my arms.  I held him for hours pacing back and forth singing Me and Bobby McGhee .  There were no marks and he appeared fine.  Looking back I should have called the police or taken him to the hospital the day I said goodbye for the last time, he was 3.  He could speak but he would never remember me or the fact that I saved his life.I swore to myself no more kids.  They hold onto your hearts every time the asshole in their life walks away.  I started looking for someone new, something different.  I needed comfort and stability so naturally I looked to the Internet.  I wanted a man which is an entirely different thought in itself.  The man must be single, employed, educated, and must not have children.6:00 am freshly laid from Mr. Wrong and I receive a message from a cute guy with 2 kids, who was looking for love in clearly all the wrong places.  I agreed to meet.  I through my wants and needs right out the window, and now here I am 3.5 years later waiting for my soon to be step daughter to get out of her play group.  She is such a beautiful girl of 9 who smiles energetically one moment. And is caught staring off with her dark dangerous eyes.  I look at them like a book and try to read the pain that's behind them.  It's as though she's finally discovered what the rest of bus all ready know.  That she is unique and her family is so twisted that any outsider finds is difficult to sort out all the pieces.  What she doesn't know that as much as her mother curls my nerves and her oldest sibling annoy me so.  That next to her father and her brother I love her more than I could ever imagined I would.  She reminds me of me before all the mistakes and regrets.  She is beautiful and kind and one cruel word from her mouth can break my heart in pieces.  I anticipate her growing old,  I look forwards to being friends and always being there for her to turn to and to trust, always keeping her from harms way.

Bitch, Bully, Bulls eye

My daughter is 9.  My daughter is 9 and she is being bullied.  She comes home depressed and unhappy everyday.  I sit and talk to her and ask her questions like, are the kids at school mean to you? Have they said things to hurt you?  Do you they pick on you and call you names?  She always says No.  I don't have any friends, except two.  No one else wants to be my friend.   So I think if no one is being mean to her and they haven't called her names or hurt her, then maybe she is not developing her social skills correctly.  Maybe the moodiness and the tantrums at home are just her become a sassy tween.   

Maybe I'm asking the wrong questions.  The problem isn't the girls calling her names or picking on her.  It's the Queen Bitch of the 3rd grade who has trained her minions to ignore her.  She has trained them to stand up and move when she sits down or comes near them. They don't talk to her, they don't include her, and they courage everyone to do the same.  My daughter is a walking bulls eye.  And all she says to me when 
I address her is.  I hope the kids will change their minds.  I want them to know that I'm a nice person, and that I'm creative, and I like animals.  I just want a friend.

I happened upon all this from a parent who's daughter is a friend and was being targeted by this same girl because they both liked the same boy.  They are in the 3rd grade.  It's the last day of school so there is nothing I can do, my daughter will be protected by the warmth of Summer.  But that means we have 3 months to come up with a plan, to protect her and to make this stop.  I'm disgusted and I'm heart broken, and I blame the school for paying too much attention to her sunburn and to little attention to the fact she is sitting alone and being secluded by everyone in the class. I love my daughter and she deserves better.  She deserves more.  And the Queen B of the third grade deserves therapy, needs therapy, there is just something wrong with a boy crazed 9 year old full of hate,

Ugh

I think the worst thing about having Cycothymic disorder is 

1.  No one has ever heard of it.  So it appear to be imaginary.
2.  One minute things can be perfect, roses blooming sun shining, and the next thing you know it's like freaking wonderland, your world is upside down, and you have a cloud of dread hanging over your head and you have no idea why.

Now since the people around you, have no idea what is wrong with you, or how to deal with it.  You often come across crazy or weird, and it's hard to be around someone who is so up and down all the time.  It is frustrating, embarrassing, and I get so tired of having to deal with it on a regular basis.  Most people would just call in crazy, wouldn't keep down a job, and their life would be one reckless event after another. 

But I made this strange vow to myself to live a life as normal as possible, to get up everyday and go to work, take care of myself, not do drugs, not be self destructive.  Sometimes I just want to give in to the insanity.  But that is not who I want to be, I don't want this to always define me. 

I want this to pass, and I wish I could do it without medication, I wish my desk wasn't riddled with numerous prescription bottles to make me happy, help me sleep, stabilize my mood, break my anxiety.  I wish I could just eat a piece of chocolate and have a cup of coffee and be easily amused without all these pills.  It sucks.  It just really truly sucks.

The boiling point

I am pretty certain I am losing my mind.  I never realized having children would be so annoying, and it may be that I'm the "Girlfriend"  or whatever.  But sometimes I think they are zombies.  They do things that are complete irrational.  They turn the simplest task into a complicated problem, and they are constantly losing, breaking, or ruining there clothes, toys, ect....     

And they don't get it, if you try to tell them what they've done wrong, they flip out and start crying.  I have made chore lists, award boards.  I have a shelf full of crap that I have tried to bribe them with to earn for good behavior remember to bring there stuff home, ect.  But they continue to go through the day like their heads aren't screwed on.  I don't get where I am going wrong.  But I am at the boiling point, I feel like my head may literally explode if one more thing goes haywire.

This morning it was they both lost their Jackets,  brand new Jackets, that I can't afford to replace, but I also can't allow two kids to walk around in 30 degree weather without jackets on.   I asked one of them to feed the animals, next thing I know every piece of cat food is on the floor in the kitchen, and he's scooping it up with his hands, I tell him to get the broom, he get's the broom and in the process knocks a bunch of stuff on the floor.  He then start sweeping like he's never used a broom before, and procedes to trip over it, and drop the broom hitting me with it in the process.

I don't think my blood pressure can take one more wet towel, dirty clothes, half eaten stuffed animal, puppy pea, cat puke, bad grade, ect.....  It feels like it just keeps piling on and piling on.

The worst thing is I'm not even married to their dad, and he keeps saying he doesn't want to get married yet.  He doesn't know when he wants to get married, but he loves me.  In the mean time it's been 3 years, of taking care of his kids, paying half the bills on a house that isn't mine.  Sewing halloween costumes, running at the last minute to save the day when someone has an accident at school, gets sick, forgets something.  It's never ending Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, birthday party's, new clothes because their legs have grown three inches in their sleep.  Scraping together every last bit of my paycheck to get us all by.  and I don't even get to have a kid of my own, because we can't afford another one.  The boyfriend is still in school, he wants to wait until he graduates, which becomes longer every year, because he wants to go one step further.  Which I appreciate, and I want to support, but I feel like everyone's needs are being met but my own, and I want to just walk out the door.  

The idea that at any minute I could just walk out, and end all this madness with no strings attached, looms over my head.  I used to not think about it.  It used to never be an idea in my head.  But now it's there calling to me everyday.   I'm at a loss, and I just don't know what to do anymore.


Sometimes Life is just difficult, and the choices and decisions we face are hard to swallow.