The boiling point

I am pretty certain I am losing my mind.  I never realized having children would be so annoying, and it may be that I'm the "Girlfriend"  or whatever.  But sometimes I think they are zombies.  They do things that are complete irrational.  They turn the simplest task into a complicated problem, and they are constantly losing, breaking, or ruining there clothes, toys, ect....     

And they don't get it, if you try to tell them what they've done wrong, they flip out and start crying.  I have made chore lists, award boards.  I have a shelf full of crap that I have tried to bribe them with to earn for good behavior remember to bring there stuff home, ect.  But they continue to go through the day like their heads aren't screwed on.  I don't get where I am going wrong.  But I am at the boiling point, I feel like my head may literally explode if one more thing goes haywire.

This morning it was they both lost their Jackets,  brand new Jackets, that I can't afford to replace, but I also can't allow two kids to walk around in 30 degree weather without jackets on.   I asked one of them to feed the animals, next thing I know every piece of cat food is on the floor in the kitchen, and he's scooping it up with his hands, I tell him to get the broom, he get's the broom and in the process knocks a bunch of stuff on the floor.  He then start sweeping like he's never used a broom before, and procedes to trip over it, and drop the broom hitting me with it in the process.

I don't think my blood pressure can take one more wet towel, dirty clothes, half eaten stuffed animal, puppy pea, cat puke, bad grade, ect.....  It feels like it just keeps piling on and piling on.

The worst thing is I'm not even married to their dad, and he keeps saying he doesn't want to get married yet.  He doesn't know when he wants to get married, but he loves me.  In the mean time it's been 3 years, of taking care of his kids, paying half the bills on a house that isn't mine.  Sewing halloween costumes, running at the last minute to save the day when someone has an accident at school, gets sick, forgets something.  It's never ending Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, birthday party's, new clothes because their legs have grown three inches in their sleep.  Scraping together every last bit of my paycheck to get us all by.  and I don't even get to have a kid of my own, because we can't afford another one.  The boyfriend is still in school, he wants to wait until he graduates, which becomes longer every year, because he wants to go one step further.  Which I appreciate, and I want to support, but I feel like everyone's needs are being met but my own, and I want to just walk out the door.  

The idea that at any minute I could just walk out, and end all this madness with no strings attached, looms over my head.  I used to not think about it.  It used to never be an idea in my head.  But now it's there calling to me everyday.   I'm at a loss, and I just don't know what to do anymore.


Sometimes Life is just difficult, and the choices and decisions we face are hard to swallow.