The thing about love.

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Crazy World

Things have been insanely crazy.  Started my new job which brought with it a string of panic attacks. I keep expecting another one to show up at any minute.  Also my grown up plan to completely ignore my exes new wife at work, went right out the window when she called my supervisor on my second day because she was "afraid" of what I might do to her.  She started sleeping with the guy I was living with, moved in packed my shit, threw me out, and destroyed a 9 year relationship, and she's afraid of what I might do to her.
Then they get married and I find out she's pregnant, like that doesn't add insult to injury.  He won't even speak to me.  He completely avoids me at all costs.  I don't think he will ever fully grasp what he's done to me and how much it's affected me.  I have no choice but to move on and try to let it all go and just accept that him and that part of my life is over.  I've met someone. This brings a whole new set of challenges.  Learning to love again.  Learning to be with someone new without letting my past affect my future.  I'm not sure where it will go.  I'm taking it slow and treading very lightly in this new water.  He is completely different from any guy I have ever dated, and I have to get use to that.  It's not a bad thing, just different.  I find myself completely giddy over him one minute and then crying over my past the next, and the mix of emotions is hard.  I wish I could put my feelings to rest and just enjoy the new.  I don't want to be unfair to the new guy, but I have to be true to myself and the process I have to go through to heal.  It will take time, that's the way life is.
I need to focus less on the past, unfortunately training has brought me back to Morristown which digs up a whole set of memories and emotions on its own.  I'll be glad to be done with training, and to be able to focus on work and on achieving some of my other stagnant goals.  A new car, paying off bills, finally having my own place to live.  I want to unpack my belongings and just be.  The blog is therapeutic, ?I'm also going to start reading to help me relax, I'm going to start on the Outlander series. I hope it's as good as the show.  It's off to bed for now.