Step Motherhood

I am not sure what happened between then and now.  Every interaction I've had with children had been fleeting.  The last man wanted trophies to show off with no responsibilities.  I remember showing up at his house and seeing his large sausage fingers wrapped around that little pink neck.  I yanked on him so hard that I thought the real damage would be from the force of me pulling him into my arms.  I held him for hours pacing back and forth singing Me and Bobby McGhee .  There were no marks and he appeared fine.  Looking back I should have called the police or taken him to the hospital the day I said goodbye for the last time, he was 3.  He could speak but he would never remember me or the fact that I saved his life.I swore to myself no more kids.  They hold onto your hearts every time the asshole in their life walks away.  I started looking for someone new, something different.  I needed comfort and stability so naturally I looked to the Internet.  I wanted a man which is an entirely different thought in itself.  The man must be single, employed, educated, and must not have children.6:00 am freshly laid from Mr. Wrong and I receive a message from a cute guy with 2 kids, who was looking for love in clearly all the wrong places.  I agreed to meet.  I through my wants and needs right out the window, and now here I am 3.5 years later waiting for my soon to be step daughter to get out of her play group.  She is such a beautiful girl of 9 who smiles energetically one moment. And is caught staring off with her dark dangerous eyes.  I look at them like a book and try to read the pain that's behind them.  It's as though she's finally discovered what the rest of bus all ready know.  That she is unique and her family is so twisted that any outsider finds is difficult to sort out all the pieces.  What she doesn't know that as much as her mother curls my nerves and her oldest sibling annoy me so.  That next to her father and her brother I love her more than I could ever imagined I would.  She reminds me of me before all the mistakes and regrets.  She is beautiful and kind and one cruel word from her mouth can break my heart in pieces.  I anticipate her growing old,  I look forwards to being friends and always being there for her to turn to and to trust, always keeping her from harms way.

Bitch, Bully, Bulls eye

My daughter is 9.  My daughter is 9 and she is being bullied.  She comes home depressed and unhappy everyday.  I sit and talk to her and ask her questions like, are the kids at school mean to you? Have they said things to hurt you?  Do you they pick on you and call you names?  She always says No.  I don't have any friends, except two.  No one else wants to be my friend.   So I think if no one is being mean to her and they haven't called her names or hurt her, then maybe she is not developing her social skills correctly.  Maybe the moodiness and the tantrums at home are just her become a sassy tween.   

Maybe I'm asking the wrong questions.  The problem isn't the girls calling her names or picking on her.  It's the Queen Bitch of the 3rd grade who has trained her minions to ignore her.  She has trained them to stand up and move when she sits down or comes near them. They don't talk to her, they don't include her, and they courage everyone to do the same.  My daughter is a walking bulls eye.  And all she says to me when 
I address her is.  I hope the kids will change their minds.  I want them to know that I'm a nice person, and that I'm creative, and I like animals.  I just want a friend.

I happened upon all this from a parent who's daughter is a friend and was being targeted by this same girl because they both liked the same boy.  They are in the 3rd grade.  It's the last day of school so there is nothing I can do, my daughter will be protected by the warmth of Summer.  But that means we have 3 months to come up with a plan, to protect her and to make this stop.  I'm disgusted and I'm heart broken, and I blame the school for paying too much attention to her sunburn and to little attention to the fact she is sitting alone and being secluded by everyone in the class. I love my daughter and she deserves better.  She deserves more.  And the Queen B of the third grade deserves therapy, needs therapy, there is just something wrong with a boy crazed 9 year old full of hate,

News Flash by Dusty

The wasps are attacking the house!  We fight!  We win the fight!

~Dusty

The boiling point

I am pretty certain I am losing my mind.  I never realized having children would be so annoying, and it may be that I'm the "Girlfriend"  or whatever.  But sometimes I think they are zombies.  They do things that are complete irrational.  They turn the simplest task into a complicated problem, and they are constantly losing, breaking, or ruining there clothes, toys, ect....     

And they don't get it, if you try to tell them what they've done wrong, they flip out and start crying.  I have made chore lists, award boards.  I have a shelf full of crap that I have tried to bribe them with to earn for good behavior remember to bring there stuff home, ect.  But they continue to go through the day like their heads aren't screwed on.  I don't get where I am going wrong.  But I am at the boiling point, I feel like my head may literally explode if one more thing goes haywire.

This morning it was they both lost their Jackets,  brand new Jackets, that I can't afford to replace, but I also can't allow two kids to walk around in 30 degree weather without jackets on.   I asked one of them to feed the animals, next thing I know every piece of cat food is on the floor in the kitchen, and he's scooping it up with his hands, I tell him to get the broom, he get's the broom and in the process knocks a bunch of stuff on the floor.  He then start sweeping like he's never used a broom before, and procedes to trip over it, and drop the broom hitting me with it in the process.

I don't think my blood pressure can take one more wet towel, dirty clothes, half eaten stuffed animal, puppy pea, cat puke, bad grade, ect.....  It feels like it just keeps piling on and piling on.

The worst thing is I'm not even married to their dad, and he keeps saying he doesn't want to get married yet.  He doesn't know when he wants to get married, but he loves me.  In the mean time it's been 3 years, of taking care of his kids, paying half the bills on a house that isn't mine.  Sewing halloween costumes, running at the last minute to save the day when someone has an accident at school, gets sick, forgets something.  It's never ending Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, birthday party's, new clothes because their legs have grown three inches in their sleep.  Scraping together every last bit of my paycheck to get us all by.  and I don't even get to have a kid of my own, because we can't afford another one.  The boyfriend is still in school, he wants to wait until he graduates, which becomes longer every year, because he wants to go one step further.  Which I appreciate, and I want to support, but I feel like everyone's needs are being met but my own, and I want to just walk out the door.  

The idea that at any minute I could just walk out, and end all this madness with no strings attached, looms over my head.  I used to not think about it.  It used to never be an idea in my head.  But now it's there calling to me everyday.   I'm at a loss, and I just don't know what to do anymore.


Sometimes Life is just difficult, and the choices and decisions we face are hard to swallow.