Headed Down

I have no idea what comes next.  Things are tense and awkward and a little fucked up to say the least.  And I am sure I am not the first person to have to maneuver between a boyfriend and a mother, but I'm not sure if breaking up with him and calling off the wedding was the right thing to do.  Yesterday I was getting married and today I'm looking at all this crap wondering how the hell I'm going to pack it all up and where the hell I'm going to put it.  Things get so complicated so quickly and when everything is always your fault you constantly wonder why am I like this?  why do I do these things?  Why can't I just be happy with the way things are?  But then I get mad because I don't understand why people can't answer questions straight forward and honestly.  If I ask may I get a dog, if you hate dogs and the said dog is going to be the demise of the relationship then the answer would be No dear I don't think a dog is a good idea.  Not yes, lets get a dog.   Passive aggressive behavior, and a let of standards only meant for the other person.  The unwillingness to have a conversation about it.  I'm just frustrated, so fucking frustrated.

I had forgotten how close to Heaven I lived.

Negativity gone, I'm sorry to everyone who had endure my anger, I'm going to focus on the positive from now on.  I don't know where I'm going, or how I am going to get there.  I don't even who I will meet along the way, but I do know that any causalities will be unavoidable and unwanted by me.

Signs, Signs, everywhere are Signs.

     Fuckin' of the scenery, blowin' my mind.   This pretty much describes me.  I'm sick of being the problem, when I'm the only one looking for a solution.  So today I said fuck it and I went downstairs to organize my shit and clean up my room.  I went to get a sweater from my free standing closet.  I have a free standing closet because my boyfriends little girl has the biggest closet in the house, and my boyfriend has the next biggest closet, and I have no closet at all.  Until a few weeks ago I had no dresser either, for 4 years my clothes have laid in heaps on the floor.
      I had bought this piece of shit free standing closet so I at least felt like I had a place of my own ( 50 ways to say goodbye by train just came on Pandora, it only solidifies what I am saying.)  So I reach for my sweater and the whole fucking closet collapses, I tell the kids to go get their dad thinking he can somehow help me prevent this impending disaster.  He says there is nothing we can do the damn thing is broken and there is no where to put your clothes so you'll just have to pile them on the bed for now.  Then the entire closet collapses and he says to me, did you put that dresser up against the rack.  No I say, I was trying to make room.  Well there is the problem, that chest was holding up the clothes rack and now you've completely broke it.   
      So there is the fucking sign, the one thing I needed in this goddamn house to make me feel like I had my own space, collapsed on the floor, and all he can do is point his fucking finger and blame me.  Well fuck him and fuck this house.