Finals Update

I have to work tonight, and my head is still pounding from the British Literature test I took at 7:30 am this morning. Did I study, yes. Did I study correctly, I'm going to go with no on this one. I had no clue how to answer the questions on the test. This doesn't make my professor a dick or a bad teacher, it simply means I was unable to comprehend and correctly answer the questions he was asking. I had a restless night of sleep. My crack head neighbors were thumping their stereo until 3:00 am this morning and then started up again at 6:00 am. The cable company chose today of all days to do work on the lines so I was without internet and Cable until around 1:00 pm this afternoon. I went to the bar and had lunch followed by a white Russian and since I rarely drink it made me giddy this was followed by another white Russian which I could not finish because it was just to much alcohol although I do appreciate the gesture from the sweet old man who bought it for me. I don't have class tomorrow so my plan is to come home from work, stick in some ear plugs and sleep for a really long time and then get up and study for my biology final. The Christmas Tree is Up. Presents are wrapped

I Almost Killed My Cat!

Yesterday I finally decided to get around to decorating my house for Christmas. I dug out the Keifer. I assembled it in the living room, and then to satisfy my need for a white tree I decided I would spray the green tree with fake snow to give it a nice winter look. I haven't used fake snow since I was a kid. So naturally I looked at the back of the bottle and read the directions, including how to apply and the warnings to follow. This included the big blue letters that stated to KEEP THIS PRODUCT AWAY FROM CHILDREN. This morning I wake up prepared to decorate the tree now that its dried and James informs me that Sadie will not stop licking the Christmas tree. Strange I say the other two cats don't seem to be licking the tree. So he ask me is it ok if she's licking the fake snow off the tree, and I think I don't see why not I read the back of the bottle I don't remember seeing anything about animals. So I go get the bottle and I read through the warnings section again, and in very small letters at the very end of the paragraph is says, "Do Not Let Pets Eat This Product" James immediately gets on the internet to look up the harmful side effects while I quickly dial the vet to find out what I should do. The vet informs me that fake snow has a strong salt base and can cause animals to intake too much liquid which is not good for there kidneys, we then locked all the cats in the bedroom while we tried to quickly unassembled this Christmas tree and put it back in its box. So the cats are alive but we have no Christmas tree, and other than putting it in the shower I have no idea how to get the stupid fake snow off the fake Christmas tree. So I think Friday I may end up purchasing that tree I've been talking about buying for three years now.

A Muppet Kind of Morning.

What do you do when it's 8 in the morning and it's snowing outside. You watch the muppets! At least thats what I am doing. I figure if I have to listen to the freezing snow hit the roof of my trailer then watching A Muppets Christmas Carol would probablly be a good distracting, after all I need to get some sleep at some point.

Things are going good. I was so glad to not have to drive more then 2 blocks this morning, since it is so icky out and although I planned to do my grocery shopping later, it's not a mandatory thing so I may just lounge around and clean my room unless my overwhelming need for hot chocolate kicks in, then I may be forced to drive the 4 blocks to Wal*Mart.

Yesterday was a major cluster bomb I had a surprise inspection at work at 6:00am I then got off work at 7:00 and came home and fell asleep since I had been up all night working and studying. I slept through three alarms and 2 phone calls finally waking up at 1:35pm which would have been fine if I wasn't suppose to be in class at 1:00pm to take My British Literature test. I then proceeded to drive to class yes I actually drove across the street to save 5 minutes which is actually dumb but I was able to find a parking spot. Then I ran inside and thank god my teacher took pitty on me and allowed me to take the test. Which did not go as well as I had hoped. I think had I not been frazzled it would have been a bit better.

After class I went to Pros for half price appetizer and sat and watch my friends get sloshed. I had to work so I was unable to participate. The evening led into our Holiday work party where we bowled and and everyone got extremely toasted. I then walked home (see I'm not completely lazy) and then went to work Woo Hoo! My life is so exciting.

This weekend I want to thoroughly clean my bedroom and my spare room. Decorate my house for christmas and prepare the tree to be decorated.

Did I mention I have a new crush. He's adorable and fun to drool over. Don't know yet if it will lead to anything, but one can always hope!

well it is off for now. Hope my little post was enjoyable!

I would also like to add how grateful I am to be lying in a very warm bed when it is so cold outside, I know that some people are not as fortunate. I am thankful for the things I do have and I think it's important to appreciate the small things we take advantage of like my big fuzzy blue blanket and the three kitty's laying on me keeping me warm!

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So Tired.

I think the night shift is getting to me. I am so tired, but I can't seem to go to sleep. So I lay in bed trying to force myself to sleep and in the process I start thinking about everything, and my over active imagination kicks in and next thing you know, I'm in the midst of a full blown panic attack over absolutely nothing. I think I will be happy when the semester is over and I have a month to regroup and reenergize myself. It always seems that at this point things become over whelming and it's hard to keep pushing yourself forward. So I am lying in bed watching Ratatouille I believe it may be raining outside. Hopefully the rain wont interrupt my sleep

I am at a crossroads yet again, facing decisions I thought had already been made and I'm lost at what to do. I went in for my advising this semester and was sent to academic advising, because once again I was registered an taking classes I already had credit for. Even though I registered based of of my advising session with academic advising this summer. I go to academic advising again, and the woman questions me about why I even want to pursue my bachelors degree and continues to inform me that it is going to take me another 4 and a half years to graduate. Which I ask since I have already been here for a year and a half why it would take me longer to graduate than a normal freshman, and she responded by saying oh I'm sorry I meant 4 and a half semesters at 16 credits a semester and since most classes are 3 credits thats not possible so I'm looking at 5 to 6 semesters and I work full time so 16 credits is next to impossible since the art classes are all studio classes and are 3 hrs long each. Now last semester I was told it would take me 2 years to graduate. A year ago when I came to the school and they looked over all my transcripts I was told it would take me 2 years to graduate so I have no gaurantee that in another year they are not going to tell me the exact same thing. I am so frustrated i feel like I have wasted a lot of time and money although the personal experience has been rewarding. Then today There is a graphic design job in the paper for the newspaper in town. I don't know if this is a coincidence or a sign or what to think. So I'm going to review all of my options. I'm going to send my resume into the news paper, and then I'm going to decided what to do with the rest of my life. I know i have two college degrees, I know that I can get a job, I know that I don't need a bachelors degree, but I really wanted one. But logically I don't think I'm on the right path. I should never have gone to a school who has a coyote as a mascott, I feel like I've been dooped. And maybe I should channel the roadrunner and flee while I still have my sanity.

My Pumpkin.

I felt this was so true to what I've been going through lately.

Eight of Chalices

The Eight of Chalices card suggests that my power today lies in space. I am true to myself and will only regret the chances I don't take to seek or follow my hearts desire. I turn away from or make a clean sweep of that which does not honor or sustain my passion and love, and in this, I am not afraid to be alone. I am empowered to move forward or make space and my gift is letting go.

Wow it has been awhile.

I did not realize it had been so long since my last blog post. Things have not been to insane around here. I have run into a few bumps with school which I am currently working on getting straightened out. I have decided to place my photography on sale on the deviant art site. It may not sell but I decided I needed to give it a shot. I am excited for Halloween but as of right now I have to work and am looking for someone to switch shifts with. Worst case scenario I'll hang out at home and hand out Candy until it's time to go to work. I am currently working with a learning specialist to improve my study skills, I really want to do better in school and make sure that I am retaining all of the information I am learning. I would also like to work on losing weight. This has always been a big issue for me and it just seems to get worse as I get older. The weather is turning cold which of course is not my most favorite thing. But I am trying to look for positive things to having cold weather. When I come up with some good ones I'll let you know. I will go into more details later about school and classes and all that great stuff but for now I have some sonnets that I need to read.

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J-E-T-S JETS JETS JETS!

Frustrations Soaring!

I am so frustrated. I feel like I have been sitting here for hours trying to write a paper for class that was due this morning. Everything I write sounds so cliche'. I cannot manage to write an intellectual sentence about anything. My words are boring and what I have to say is completely uninteresting. Much like this blog entry. I guess I just thought if I vented out my frustrations it would help me get to what I need to say. I hate this about myself, my inability to focus. I feel like a complete idiot. I know that I'm intelligent, I know that I have interesting and witty things to say, but they seem trapped in the back of my mind and it is driving me crazy!

George Rule

This movie was not as horrible as everyone made it out to be. It was not the best movie I have ever seen. But I thought it was an interesting story. The acting could have been a bit better. But all in all it was definitely a way to kill two hrs on a quiet night.

Washing it all away.

Tomorrow I am going home for the first time in four years, and to say the least my anxiety level is nearing freak out. I know that this disorder is completely mind over matter. But it always amazes me the amount of strength it takes to over come these episodes. I am so excited about seeing my brother and sister in law and all of my friends, and I refuse to let this disorder debilitate me. I have come so far in the last three years and I know that I am strong enough to over come anything that I face. I guess I write this as more of a reassurance to myself. To allow myself to get out all of these worries and fears. To know that I will be gone for a short period of time, and I'll be safe and this weekend is going to be so super exciting. I've already packed my suitcase and I am ready to go. And on Friday when it's 570 outside. I will be nice and warm.

I suppose life has just been a bit stressful lately. Moving, school starting, work, going to this reunion, so on and so forth. I am excited that it will soon be October my most favorite holiday of the entire year, and today I bought new shampoo that smells like spiced Pumpkin. I could eat the entire bottle!

It's Raining

It’s Raining

Last week I went home to Minnesota and the local churches were gathering together for rain prayers. The fields have been horrible dry this summer and the crops are not doing well. Today on CNN you can see the Minnesota, South Dakota, Wisconsin, and Nebraska along with several other states are in the midst of flood and thunderstorm warnings. It has been raining and will continue to rain over the next 3 days. And so as I sit here typing this I have to wonder if there is indeed some connection between the two?

Pack Pack Packing.....

So I found a new place to live in Vermillion. It is a trailer which I was not too excited about, but I walked through and I thought about it thoroughly and it really seemed the best option at this point. See I have these two furry things that live with me, that landlords seem to be desperately afraid of. I started packing a few days ago, and have so far managed to pack 8 totes. Which containt my dishes and the nicknack's in my living room. The next will be the book case, Then the DVD's. The bathroom and finally the bedroom. Woo hoo. I think I'm making good time though. It always seems no matter how much you plan and try to

Pondering

What is it about us as humans that allows us to have complete disregard for each other and for ourselves. Why do we do things knowing that it is disrespectful to someone else. That our actions could cause someone else pain. And these are not things we can apologize for. We can not go back and say oh I am sorry I did not mean to do this, or to hurt. To do that would be a lie because we do these things, fully aware of the consequences, fully aware of our actions, and yet we don't care. I know that I personally feel better about myself when I do things that don't harm people. When I can walk through life with a clean conscience. And I stray like all humans do. I do things and then I look back and think wow that was a really shitty thing I did. Or I could have handled myself differently. I think part of growing up is learning how to become a better person. It is making mistakes and learning and somehow redeeming yourself for the actions you have taken. I don't strive to be perfect. I don't think anyone is perfect, but I want to be a good person, and to do good things for myself and for the people around me.

I just finished watching The US vs. John Lennon, I never know what to expect from a documentary. This particular documentary appeared to be straight to the point, it had very interesting news clips and interviews from a wide variety of politicians, radicals, and other figures in the media. I have never read or study the John Lennon case, or anything outside of his musical background so whither or not the documentary was accurate I am unable to say, but it was such an interesting account. John Lennon’s life not only as a musician but also as an activist and most of all as a human being was extraordinary.
Questions always arise in my mind when watching information from this era. Has society lost its touch? Have we become so accustomed to bowing down to the system that standing up for what believe has taken a low priority on our list of things to accomplish. Are we so used to war and other criminal activities that we no longer question the government’s actions when dealing with these situations. When looking back, the 60’s and 70’s have become looked upon as decades of change, decades of making a difference. Decades that truly molded our country into what it is today. But everyday decisions are being made, history is still being changed, and it seems in our fast growing world, we no longer take the time or make the effort to follow progress, or regression. Are the actions taking place in this day and age, any less important than those made 40 years ago. Do the actions we take today not affect those of future generations, as much as the actions of our parents affected us.
I’m sure this sounds like the usual blabber. How can we make a difference? Blah Blah Blah. I’m not suggesting becoming radicals, storming capitols, Causing chaos. I am simply saying that maybe we close our eyes to quickly at what is happening around us. That we should look not only at the past and present, but what we can do to ensure a livable future for those who come after us. I think it is important to exist peacefully, to recognize the difference between those around the world, and embrace those differences with understanding. And realize that understanding and acceptance are not the same thing. I think it is important to question that which we don’t understand,
I am just as guilty as the next person of being indifferent, of being to busy to attempt to make a difference, to busy surviving to strive for something greater than what we have. It’s just something for all of us to think about. None the less this was an excellent documentary.

And I cried myself to sleep.

It's been awhile since I cried myself to sleep. I was on the phone with my mom and I didn't get to sleep until around noon today. I guess the money situation and everything just caught up with me, and I just let it out. It really feels like everything is falling part. And I'm trying desperately to keep it all together. I just keep hoping that this will work itself out. that some how it will all become just a little bit easier. It's off to work again, I need to shower and eat and then drive my happy ass to work.

So The Internet Is Back Up and Running.

My internet is back up and running. Although I must say the week without it was rather refreshing. I think I am definitely going to start limiting myself to the amount of time I spend casually looking at complete crap when I could be doing productive or creative. So thats my plan. The hole financial aid thing is still going to hell, hopefully I will be able to figure something ou

Still without internet.

So I'm sitting at Taco John's still without internet. I thought I would actually make it through the entire day until my mom called to tell me the loan papers didn't come through correctly and I needed to e-mail them again. Went to the cable company, they were no help, in fact they told me to call customer service followed by "but there moving the offices so your not going to be able to get a hold of anyone." So I went to the store and bought the latest copy of Jane and Vogue and I sat outside and read which was really nice and made me wonder why I didn't do stuff like that more often. So I think I will definitely try before the weather goes bad. Otherwise I watched the first disc of Dead Like Me but to my disappointment it only had the pilot epidsode on it so I must wait until tomorrow to get the other 13 episodes. I've been cutting and pasting pictures into my mini art book that was laying unused in a box, and I have been getting this urge to write so I think I will give it a try tonight and see what happens. But

Does it get any better than this?

The New York Jets meet Elmo on Season 38 of Sesame Street

http://www.muppetcentral.com/news/2007/011607.shtml

I had heard of this series, but I never got around to watching it. But I used my free hours of TV downloads on Netflix to watch the first episode and I have now ordered the entire first season to watch. I find it fabulous! It is truley a unique idea, and so funny. It reminded me of a short story written by a fried of my called Two Urinals From Death. Unfortunately there is no way for me to link you to the story, but it is wonderfully creative. Anyways I am sure I will be updating with lots of laughs about this TV show!

Somersault

I had to start watching this movie twice, it took a bit to get into it, but once I put away all the distractions and focused on the plot, I thought it was a pretty good movie. Definitely an interesting story compared to most. Not recommended for anyone who hates British or foreign cinema, but if your a fan of these genre's I would definitely check this out.

A Quick Update!

So I have not forgotten about my blog. I currently do not have internet service at home. I would like to take the responsibility of this and say I just didn't pay the bill, but the fact is midcontinent communications are a bunch of fucks and I have no cable, no internet, a 350.00 for two months service, not to mention they gave me a lovely phone call at 1:00am on Saturday morning. Yes 1:00am. I was completely livid.
So over the last week I made the trip home to see my mom. When I got there the dog was very ill and I spent my first day at the vet with her. She seems to be doing fine now. I saw my grandma who seems to be doing by the day. Her memory is week but physically she seems so much stronger. My mom made her second trip to the Mayo clinic and the doctors believe that she should heal and not be as sick as she has been. I went to my ex boyfriends graduation, and I use the term ex boyfriend weakly because we are crossing that barrier into just friends and he deserves to be entitled as something else as just an X. Graduation was hard, it took several deep breathes and a lot of self control. Not to mention a roller coaster of emotion and a close ditch towards the beginning of the ceremony. But despite feeling replaced and completely out of my element, I made it. And I am glad I went because if I stayed home I would have regretted it and ended up feeling petty.
I found out that my financial aid is not enough to cover my tuition, I am severely behind on my bills and need desperately to find a new apartment in Vermillion. So one day at a time I am taking everything. I am going to start clearing out crap and packing up the things I don't use everyday. Like dishes, I tend to use paper plates. I am looking forward to school starting. I really should have tried to fill in a different class on Monday Wednesdays and Friday and to drop my class on Tuesdays and Thursday. I don't know yet if that is going to happen though.
I am also in the process of purchasing my airplane ticket and getting stuff together for my high school reunion, although the date of the reunion could not be worse for me since it is the weekend of the first full week of school and it requires me missing class.
Work is about the same. Same old bullshit different day.
I have tons of other stuff to write about, vent about and so on and so forth but at last I have to leave soon and do not have time for an update.
Topics that have been at the top of conversations lately.
The bridge collapsing in Minneapolis.
The Rugby team.
Football season.
Old friends, new crises.
And so on and so forth.
But this is it for now. Until later take care!

This movie was fabulous. Even though it is stuffed with the same penis/jack off/sex/virgin/naked/ humor as all the others, this time they through in midgets! No really these movies are always good for a stupid laugh. They keep the story believable, the actors decent and the nudity bearable to look at. I've always loved the American pie franchise and this was another nice addition.

Daily Horoscope

Time is your greatest ally. Not only does it heal all wounds (Really. It does.), but it'll help you see whether these current events are as dramatic as they initially appear. Be patient and see it through.

Am I Boring Or What?

So I'm sitting here watching Epic Movie, it doesn't even get it's own private review because like Date Movie, it fucking sucks. I now know why the person who gave it to me told me to take it and burn it. Oh well! So I was going through and deleting some old post and I republished some of the ones I had forgotten about. Sometimes it's nice taking a trip down memory lane, and other times it's just a nice reminder that you forgot those things for a reason. My life does seem more dull, yet less dramatic, and I'm really not complaining, I'm still working on finding ways to entertain myself without eruptions of chaos. Today I did manage to post a few new drawings on my deviant art site. My apartment is starting to look cleaner. I realize I have watch to many movies thank you to all of those who point that out, but I enjoy movies. At times they peak my creativity, at other times they just lull me to sleep, and then there are moments like right now when I just want to gouge out my eyes. Have I also mentioned that I have become addicted to the site Scrabulous. I have always been a huge fan of scrabble and now I can play all the time anytime, it's fabulous! I am deeply worried about my mother. She was at the Mayo Clinic for almost two weeks having tests run, and is due back again next week. I haven't really been talking about it, she keeps telling me that she is fine. That everything will be ok. A simple surgery and she'll be good as new. But deep down inside I worry about her. She is really the only parent I have. She is my rock, my go to person, and yeah I bitch about her at times, and we have our differences. But the fact is I love her, and I wouldn't be as strong or half the person I've become if it wasn't for her. I just hope that everything really does work itself out, and that she finds herself healthy. Well I think I am going to find something more productive to watch maybe play a round of scrabble and then head of too bed. My three day weekend comes to an end and it's off to work tomorrow.

"The right to be heard does not automatically include the right to be taken seriously."

This is so true.

Give yourself the greatest present of all: Be true to yourself and your real desires. Compromises in life are necessary, but there's a point where too many compromises start to feel like defeat. Stand up for yourself.

Savannah Georgia

I don't know what my obsession with Savannah Georgia is, but I want badly to go to this city. I am not even sure where the obsession began. In fact I don't know whole lot about the city, accept what I have read on the internet. I know that it is a historic city, one of the nations or as they say the nations most haunted city. Maybe this is where the appeal comes in. I've always enjoyed a good scare and have been obsessed with the supernatural for as long as I have been able to read. My ghostly obsessions have died down some since my divorce, but my obsession with Savannah has not. In fact when me and my ex husband were looking at cities to settle down in, Savannah was on my list. When I began researching art schools, the Art institute of Savannah was one of the schools I sent off for information on. I find myself on occasion visiting the home page to see what types of activities are going on in the town. I know that the movie Midnight In The Garden Of Good And Evil was filmed there and that it is based on a book, but to tell you the truth, I've never read the book, and never cared much for the movie. I grew up in TN and I have been through Georgia many times, I've driven to beaches for mini vacations, I've been to Atlanta on weekend excursions that developed out of pure boredom, but I never went to Savannah, and I don't know why. But this is definitely a goal in life, I would like to go maybe over Halloween one year, I don't think I can afford to take off twice the fall semester so maybe I can plan it for

Hairspray!

So yes today I went and saw yet another movie. If I could make a true living watching movies all day, I would be a happy women. Today's movie pick HAIRSPRAY! Now I loved the original and I was weary about the remake. Amanda Bynes has not been one of my most favorite new actresses, I was not a huge fan of High School Musical, and have never found Zack Effron overly attractive, and I have never been overly impressed with Brittney Snow. Now on the other hand you have some of my favorite performers. Michelle Pfifer, Queen Latifah, Christopher Walken, and then there is John Travolta. But the twist is this time it's John Travolta in drag and to be honest I was feeling like it was a bit to much Mrs. Doubtfire for me, but put them all together and they made one hell of a cast! The movie was fabulous. The musical numbers were well done, the characters well performed, and I found myself laughing and sitting on the edge of my chair absolutely enjoying myself. There were even a few people in the theater who broke out in song! So I give it up for Hairspray for washing away all of my doubts. I even smiled when I saw Ricki Lake doing a special Cameo! All I can say is if you love musicals and a good message, you must go see this movie!

Across The Universe

The next movie I am looking forward to watching, although I am already planning on going this one alone. It looks fantastic!

Notes on A Scandal.

This was a disturbingly edgy film, and was nothing what I was expecting it to be. Judi Dench plays a twisted old women who uses Cat Blanchett's characters personal mistakes for her own gain. A lonely woman longing for friendship who will go to any means to get it. Not something I would watch repeatedly over and over again, but it was an interesting plot

Back to the movies.... Punch Drunk Love

So I had seen this movie previously, but I just got around to watching it a second time. It really is an oddly disturbing and yet funny movie. Adam Sandler takes his usual humor and turns it into a frightening display of rage, and yet you can't help but laugh at him and his situation, and think wow my life would suck if it was a fucked up as his!

Something other than books and movies.

So it has been an interesting week. I spent most of the week wrapped up in my past. Not in a bad way though. More in a realization of what has passed and how the present has turned into something new. And I realize this probably makes no sense to anyone but me, but in my head it makes perfect sense. Sometimes you get so wrapped up in the past that it is hard to see the tides changing, and it becomes hard to accept that you have stepped over a new threshold in your life. They saying is that people don't change, and maybe that is true but the things that exists between two people is ever changing, and ever morphing itself in new ways. So needless to say it has been an exceptional week, there were some rough spots but I think given the situation it was expected. So now it's Monday, the weekend has past I just finished painting my nails. I'm cuddling with my cats relaxing, and I'm looking forward to a long and peaceful nights sleep.

Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows...

I officially finished book 7 last night at 2:00 am. My general opinion is that this book was fabulous! I think Rowling did an excellent job working out the connection of the horcruxes. There were a few spots throughout the story were I felt she went a little over the top, but for the most part this book was a true epic battle that stayed consistent and entertaining. Tears welled up in many parts of this story, and there were several characters I was sad to see go. Although I feel that sparing them would have done the epic tale of Harry Potter a great injustice! J.K. Rowling is a true writer, a portal for the characters in these stories. It is sad to see this entertaining story come to an end, but all great things must end, and for every door that closes another one opens. So here is to the next great piece of literature!

Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows...

I officially finished book 7 last night at 2:00 am. My general opinion is that this book was fabulous! I think Rowling did an excellent job working out the connection of the horcruxes. There were a few spots throughout the story were I felt she went a little over the top, but for the most part this book was a true epic battle that stayed consistent and entertaining. Tears welled up in many parts of this story, and there were several characters I was sad to see go. Although I feel that sparing them would have done the epic tale of Harry Potter a great injustice! J.K. Rowling is a true writer, a portal for the characters in these stories. It is sad to see this entertaining story come to an end, but all great things must end, and for every door that closes another one opens. So here is to the next great piece of literature!

Ratatouille

Yesterday, I had a pleasure of going to see Ratatouille. I loved this movie! It was unique and extremely creative, and the animation was so amazing that you forget the images you are viewing are not real. I was excited that Janeane Garaffolo did a voice over in this movie, she is fabulous. I think the message that clearly came across is to truely exceed one must break free of the boundries of childhood, and venture out on their own accorde

I like my men a little on the trashy side.

Why men wear dresses.

I came across this article, and I found it to be a very interesting read. Why do people think it is strange for men to wear women's clothing. I was always some what of a tom boy and my clothes of choice always included mens jeans, and over sized mens undershirts. If it was a hot summer day a pair of boxer shorts with the crotch sewn up suited me just fine. So why is it if a man wants to wear womens underwear, pantyhose, or a nice dress it's looked at as strange. I personally love frilly underwear on occasion. When I'm feeling down I will go out and buy some sexy lingerie or a cute pair of shoes, it makes me feel good about myself. It makes me feel sexy. So why should it be any different for a man. I personally find it quite sexy if a man is comfortable putting on a cute pair of panties and prancing around in front of me. There is something wild and untamed about it. Something sexy and secretive. I say here! here! If guys find it relaxing to wear lace panties under their three piece suits, or a nice thing under their football uniforms, go for we. Everyone deserves to feel good about themselves. To have a little something special that gets them through the day. I don't think gender should stop anyone from enjoying themselves, but thats just me.

Advice to live by!

your horoscope
for Saturday, July 14:

The less you take personally, the easier your life gets. 'But how?' you say. 'They said that to/about/because of me!' Everyone has a complex situation. You can't understand their motives, so get on with your own life.

Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix...

"Natalie Tena"-"Nymphadora, Tonks"

This movie was everything I expected it to be. Although it did lag in parts, I thought the film makers did an excellent job trying to stay true to the story. The offered up good explanation for parts of the book that needed to be cut out, and I thought they did an excellent job choosing which sections of the book to omit from the film. The girl who play Nymphadora "Tonks" was beautiful. I also enjoyed the actress they chose for Luna Lovegood. I giggled so hard when I saw the giant, because despite what he thought, it looked like an ogarized animation of my ex boyfriend. The few things from the book that I wished had been transfered to the film; The rotating room in the ministry of magic, The hand mirror Sirius gives to Harry before he leaves for Hogwarts, The screaming portraits from inside Grimauld place, and Firenz and his mystical classroom. These are all minor things that I would just loved to have seen visually but atlast the movie is only 2.5 hrs long so they couldn't include everything. I am so ready for book 7 now!!!

My Day So Far..

So today I have managed to. Wash my car, clean my apartment, and even start on the bedroom of lost artifacts which at this point now has a view of the floor. I also baked banana bread for myself and my neighbors, and made supper. Tomorrow is laundry day, sweeping, mopping, and cleaning the bedroom. I am also super excited because tomorrow I get to go see HARRY POTTER AND THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX!!! Now the last time there was a Harry Potter movie out me and my ex boyfriend had this major falling out and came very close to never speaking to each other again. He had a girlfriend we weren't dating, and I was jealous, oh so jealous. Oddly enough he is now my ex boyfriend and has a girlfriend, but we are going to see the movie tomorrow afternoon during the first showing. I bought the tickets, he had said for me to get ahead and just by one because he didn't want to disappoint me if things changed but then changed his mind and went ahead and said buy two. I hope I didn't make him jump the gun and that he is committed. I have this fear that he is going to stand me up at the last minute. Maybe because the last 4 times I have asked him tot he movies he has said no, and our relationship has only recently extended beyond a quick dinner at the closest fast food restaurant. But I don't know anybody that loves Harry Potter as much as he does, so I am very excited to go see this with him. But I wont let him ruin it for me if he bails at the last minute. I do feel like bouncing off the walls, and I have been going through cognitive therapy to productively dispel all of this energy without going into an anxiety attack. I have been doing my breathing exercises which helps. I do feel bad because I got a bit bitchy with the ex this afternoon. Total laps in communication and I was worried we were headed for a fight but thank goodness we weren't and I stopped and thought hey why not try not being a complete bitch for once. I also watched Igsby Goes Down which was actually on my Netflix list and at first I thought it was a bit bland for me but by the end I was laughing my ass off. Particularly when he was calling everyone with the news of his mothers death I seriously thought I would lose it at that point. So tomorrow you can expect a Harry Potter post and then again another one next week as book 7 is finally released!

I don't know why I find these two so intriguing.

I originally saw them on the Disney Channel, but they have really good voices. They are quite young, but their music is catchy and I love the design of this video.

Al Gore III

I bet this guy felt like an ass after losing all that money on a technicality.

It's July 4th

So I just got in from watching the fireworks, and for the first time in a long time I was sad to be standing there alone. I had a fun day running around being a girl with my friend Jenny, it had been awhile since we'd hung out, but after my shower and a bit of relaxing I went out to watch the fireworks and found myself missing him. I guess thats life I suppose it will come and go. I finished my summer classes finally, and now I'm looking forward to a nice break. I've had some ideas for stories nothing concrete but I think I'll start working on it. I feel a creative spell coming on. And hopefully I'll have more time to post interesting things on here for people to read.

I love the wisdom of Starbucks

The Way I See It #253

A mautre person is one who can say: My parents may have made some mistakes raising me, but they did the best they could: now it's up to me.

Harry Potter Book 7

I'm just letting everyone know. I do not want to know the ending of this book, please don't ruin it for me. I have been waiting for a long time to find out what happens so I am not looking at any information regarding the book, do not link spoilers to me, or post them in places where I can read them. I don't even plan on reading anything on the internet from the minute the book comes out until I'm finished reading it, because I don't want to know. I want it to be a surprise! So please please please, don't ruin this for me!


Thanks Guys.

Tear Drops On My Guitar

It's amazing how you can break up with someone, and then someone you've never even met can write you the perfect song.

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see
That I want and I'm needing everything that we should be
I'll bet she's beautiful, that girl he talks about
And she's got everything that I have to live without

Drew talks to me, I laugh cause it's so damn funny
That I can't even see anyone when he's with me
He says he's so in love, he's finally got it right,
I wonder if he knows he's all I think about at night

[Chorus:]

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do

Drew walks by me, can he tell that I can't breathe?
And there he goes, so perfectly,
The kind of flawless I wish I could be
She'd better hold him tight, give him all her love
Look in those beautiful eyes and know she's lucky cause

[Repeat Chorus]

So I drive home alone, as I turn out the light
I'll put his picture down and maybe
Get some sleep tonight

He's the reason for the teardrops on my guitar
The only one who's got enough of me to break my heart
He's the song in the car I keep singing, don't know why I do
He's the time taken up, but there's never enough
And he's all that I need to fall into..

Drew looks at me, I fake a smile so he won't see.

Final Destination 3

These movies just keep getting more and more disturbing. The first two were quite interesting the third one just seems to be full of gore with no point.

Pan's Labyrinth

This movie was nothing like I expected. The metaphor throughout the movie, was beautiful and amazing. There were definitely a few parts I found disturbing because I wasn't expecting it. But the cinematography and the idea behind the movie was fabulous. A lot of people will shy away from this movie because it's in Spanish and it requires reading the subtitles. But I promise you after the movie starts you become so focussed on the story you forget that your reading the subtitles. I would recommend this movie for anyone, except children.

Things to do this summer.

So this is a list I made back in April of things I would do this summer. I haven't done any of them. Not one single one. The NUCS project has been canceled, so that one doesn't count. I haven't seen any movies, or gone exercising like I had planned. I have definitely cut back on smoking, but have not quit. I am actually working at night so I have spent no time basking in the sun, and the only book I have checked out from the library is Bea wolf , although I have read several short stories and discovered that I actually enjoy Falkner. I haven't painted or drawn anything, but I have been concentrating on my writing skills, so it looks like I have side swiped my summer to do list. But I've been enjoying myself, so OH Well.

1. Work on N.U.C.S. project.
2. Continue to improve my painting skills, and complete at least 2 paintings.
3. Continue to draw.
4. Read 1 book by T.S. Eliot
5. See Spiderman 3 with my dad.
6. See Harry Potter 5
7. See Shrek 3
8. Spend lots of time basking in the sun.
9. Try to go for a walk every night.
10. Quit smoking again.

I Have A Total Girl Crush!

Holly Madison

Holly Madison is absolutely gorgeous. The more I watch The Girls Next Door. The more I find myself smitten by her. She is intelligent, business savvy, and seems like such a nice person. Plus her bio paints a picture of a normal American girl who just made her way to the top, honestly.

True Blue Lobster!

I had never seen a true blue lobster before, they are quite beautiful!

A clip from about 4 years ago, but I just love Janeane Garofalo

So It's been awhile

I have been insanely sick. This sinus infection is totally kicking my ass. I turned 28, my birthday sucked, no one came to hang out with me, not even my friends in town, I did get a booty call at like 3:00am. But it required me going over there. Oh well, it was worth it. I got through my first summer school class which was Creative Writing, and I absolutely loved the class. I had so much fun, and I'm going to miss having all those people to talk to every morning when I get off work. Tomorrow morning I start speech and with it a whole new group of people to chat up. I haven't Mr. Anybody yet this summer, I was kind of hoping someone would cross my path, but I have had no luck. And there are days I wake up or go to bed, and I wish there was someone with me. Thats life I suppose, and my relationships have always been few and far between, so it may be I don't find that next person till I'm on the next train oughta here, which mean being single for a year and a half, but I suppose there are worse things. Anyways I know there is not to much exciting stuff happening right now, but I wanted to update so I don't get out of the habit of writing. I tend to blog too much when I'm pissy and have things to bitch about, but then when life is treating me good, I tend to not blog at all. I would like to make it a 50/50 effort. Looks like I just set a new goal for myself. And whats up with this Paris Hilton thing? I am starting to feel sorry for her. And I think it's out of annoyance at the media. Let it go already, I can't say no one cares because if we didn't we wouldn't be flipping through the tabloids everyday, but flashing it across every major news station is a bit ridiculous, as it throwing someone in jail on a probabtion violation first offence. And then letting a Violent repeat offender like Tom Sizemore, off the hook again and again. As long as we keep shoving cameras in their faces, justice will never be blind, and will never be equal. Anyways Peace out, I need pizza and cold medice. Yeah Baby!

I wish life was like a tv show.

I wish life held all those quirky moments. That we all weren't suspended in time, our faces number from holding that same pose. As though along the way we had all forgotten how to laugh. I wish there was that somebody, that you could hold on to. That you could tell all of your deep dark secrets to without being afraid that they will reject you. That saying I love you wasn't a sentence to death. I hope I find that person, because not every moment I breathe do I feel like this world is an endless torture. Some days I wake up and I breathe and I smile and think to myself, maybe today will be that day. Maybe today I will find that person that doesn't give me happiness, but magnifies the happiness that is already there.

Yummy.......

Pink Frosting Rocks!

So It's been a couple of days.

I am off to work. I've been so busy I haven't had time to stop and write. I didn't get much sleep last night because I was up all night laughing my ass off and watching friends. I had forgotten how funny that show is and how good it is too laugh. Well I must run, I'm going to try and take some Macro pictures tonight after I get off work so we will see hows those turn out, otherwise I have some reflecting to do, and maybe I will do that before I go to bed as well. So This has been an interesting post. But I just wanted to make sure I was keeping in the habit.

What a weird day...

So today I woke up in bed after a very long nights sleep, to a phone call from a friend telling me a mutual friend had died. Then I called James to see if would like to go get ice cream and go for a walk in the park. He said yes, and then ice cream turned into the end of our relationship. I keep waiting for the realization that everything that has happened, really happened. I sat and I listened to him, and I tried really hard this time to make sure I really understood what he was saying to me, I wanted to make sure that this time I really made the right decision and that this wasn't just another one of our many fights, and then I realized that it was over, he was so right, it was completely over and there was nothing that was going to change that, and I realized that sleeping with him and carrying on sexual phone conversations was only going to ruin his relationship with his new girlfriend, ( duh! I know) But I kept hearing him say how he was at this point where everything in his life was starting to come together, where he was beginning to find the peace he had been searching for so long, and that the turmoil was finally ending, and I realized that wither or not it was intentional, my relationship with him had been nothing but turmoil, and no matter how many times I tried, I was never able to get it right. The communication, any of it. I was never able to say what I needed to say when it needed to be said. I never explained anything so that he would understand. I really made him feel bad about himself, and I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want him to feel bad about himself. I don't want to feel bad about myself. And I don't want to keep hiding our friendship and making myself feel bad, because the worse I feel about myself, the more negative I become, and that just rubs off on him. And he is soo mad at me right now, and he has every right to be. He is right I lied to him. I told him we could always be friends, and here we are a little over a month lating, and I'm already bailing. but I thought I was trying. I thought I was doing a good thing, and then today I realized that my attempts were only making things worse. That I was only replaying our entire relationship, and that if I didn't stop it now, we would just end up hating each other. And I don't want to cry anymore, and I don't want him to have to worry about one more friendship, or having to make time for one more person in his already busy life. And he really does have a lot going on and it is only going to multiply, and I really need to shed this apartment, move to Vermillion and move on with my life. I think eventually I'm going to break down and cry, but I need to keep telling myself that this really is for the best. And we will always have October 29th.

Dilema.....

So I am having a dilema. I have two friends who are both guys, who both just started dating girls that apprently the other one does not like. One of the guy is my ex and so I have heard both sides of their stories. I know I should not get involved. And I guess that is probablly the answer to the dilema just don't get involved. So I'll just vent a little. I want to be able to call the ex and say look this girl is affecting everything in your life. Your not putting the time and effort into school and work that you need, which is causing a lot of stress. She is pressuring you to spend all of your time with her and so it is affecting your relationship with your friends. But I'm the ex girlfriend, and we haven't reached that level that I can say hey I'm saying this to you as a friend, because there is still the thought that your my ex girlfriend and you just want us to break up. But that is not the case, not today. I really am worried that he is going to lose this friendship. I thought they were good for each other, they had their guys nights, they were always laughing and carrying on, they work together and live together, and they used eachother to relieve that stress. I know that before when they were dating other people. We would all hang out and even if the girls didn't know each other it didn't matter. And I know that he is laying alot of his stress on me. So she is getting happy James and not having to deal with all his crap. He is not being faithful to her, but he also looks at that like in the past, when I haven't been faithful the relationships were long, they didn't last, they weren't healthy but they did last. And I don't know her I can't say anything bad about her. Whenever people are in a new relationship they want to spend all their time together, but it just seems that these girls are coming in between these two guys, and neither of the guys can talk to the other one, because they look at it like the other one is attacking the others girlfriend. And it pisses me off and I want to just lock all the guys in the basement with some porn and a video game system, and tell them their not allowed to come out until there all best friends again, and then I want to lock the girls in a room and tell em to go at. But I have been eliminated from this equations so it's like sitting on the outside watching all of my old friends totally crumble, and that sucks. I did tell the one guy that me and his girlfriend should go hang out one night and do something. So I think we are going to do that. Hopefully they will be able to get over each other and be able to find a balance before this friendship is so destroyed there is no fixing it.

Stormy Weather...

So the weather has been stormy today. My day started out good, nothing like making love to the sound of the pouring rain, but then work was stressful, and this new medication is just not cutting it. I keep thinking once I get adjusted it will be better but I think I may need to switch to the other stuff the doctor gave me. I had to laugh earlier when I signed on MSN to talk to Brandy, and I read the ex's screen name. Totally In Love, (Love Ya *&$). god I love him, but he is so full of shit that his eyes are turning brown, and he knows he's full of shit. And he is such a player, I swear he would be so much better off just being a playboy and being honest about it, then trying to play girls and keep it secret. He's such a guys guy, you gotta love it. Of course for that split second I had a little twinge of hurt like oh how could he. But then I realized, it's expected. He was never openly in love with me, but that doesn't mean the love wasn't real. It's definitely questionable. But he does have his shining moments. How do I fall into people like him? Well I suppose it is off to bed, I will be glad when all these thunderstorms passover, and the sky clears. Pandora is currently trying to molest my hand which makes it difficult to type. So peace for now.

Tired..

So I've been feeling really up and down lately, plus I'm been changing my mind every five minutes which I am sure is great for those around me. I am trying to stay positive and stay supportive. Stay aware, and cautious but not ask too many questions. I have been rather worried about my ex. I know he is going through a really hard time, and I know that when he dumped me and I felt like my whole life was falling apart, I really needed someone there giving me words of encouragement, and I did have lots of friends calling and lending support, and it helps, and I have never believed in leaving a friend in a time of need. I do worry that he questions my intentions, which I don't blame him at all. People in a situation like ours have lots of questions that fly threw their heads. And like I've said, of course I wish he hadn't broken up with me. But he did what he thought was best, and I think we both needed a break, I just wish it hadn't been so sudden, and he hadn't moved on so quickly. But if she makes him smile and she makes him happy, then I don't want to take that away from him. I just want to make sure he has someone there to support him, because I know how though things can get. Anyways. I think my med change has been screwing with me, I'm going to try taking them in the morning instead of at night, to see if i sleep better if it will help bring down the anxiety. if not then I might have to switch to the other meds the doctor gave me. I really hate "trying" different types of med and trying to feel them out. I like what works. Problem is at $100.00 a month, I can't afford what works.

Why can't I get over this already.

I wish I had the ability to hate people. No I don't I don't like the feeling of hate, and I don't like saying mean things yet I always find myself doing it. But I think I finally figured out what is bothering me. I was standing in the shower and I finally started crying. Because maybe she is right maybe they are in love, maybe I'm the one he has been lying to. Maybe these last two years really did mean nothing to him. Maybe in the end the only reason he dated me was to prove to himself that I wasn't the one he wanted. It took a year before he told me that he loved me. Last year he lied to me about going on his meds, about trying to better himself, and yet hear he is a year later, and he leaves me for someone he is according to her in love with. After three weeks, he's in love with her, and she's everything he was looking for. She gave him everything I couldn't find in myself to give him, and as soon as she starts having sex with him I can't even promise he'll still come around, and what kind of person am I that I would have sex with someone who is in love with someone else. I love him and I love being with him, and he knows my body better than anybody, but if he doesn't love me, if he never did love me. Then what have I been doing to myself over these last two years. Why do I let myself get pulled into this? How can you look into someone and know that they are telling you the truth. How can you look at someone and want to trust them so badly but doubt swarms at the back of your mind. How can you sit and worry sick over someone all day, that all your focus turns to them, and all they show is complete annoyance by you. As though the thought of me disgusts him. I had this complete dillusion that we were happy. That things were going to be ok with us. That we were going to find a way to make this work, and in a matter of three weeks he's in love with someone else, and I wasn't even looking. I never thought I would need to replace him, I took for granted that he would always be there. Why? why can't I answere all these questions swarming in my head. And why after a month am I sitting in bed crying waiting for him to call me, when I know he's on the otherside of town with her, making out and laughing, and having a good time, tell her he loves her. I will never hear those words again, and if I ever do, I wont know if I can believe them. How can one person cause so much pain on another, and yet not feel any themselves. How can he be OK with the way things are. How does he not talk to me and think about all the good times we had, how can he only focus on what went wrong, and not want to fix it to get back to what was good. His e-mail said this is just a break. But it wasn't just a break, it was a break up, it was a nice way for him to move on and still keep me hanging on. When will I ever learn?

So I only have one thing to say to her.

That bitch doesn't even know what love is.

So a friend directed me a rant she left on her myspace, about how in love they are and why can't people just leave them alone, and accept the fact that they are together, and why can't people just move on and find someone of their own.

I can't help but wonder who this was directed at. I wish I could post a response, tell her off, tell her to go fuck herself, or go fuck someone. But I promised him even if she attacks me I would keep my mouth shut, and since it was one of my idiot friends who went to the blog in the first place, it wasn't really her fault that I read it, only her fault that she posted it. But it is nice to know that according to him there not in love, but according to her after two weeks they were completely in love. She is in for the surprise of her life.

The Rant from my other blog

So yeah my ex called and apologized. He's going through a lot of crap right now, and I know how he is when he gets like this, hense why I bought the gift. I just don't want him to hit rock bottom not because he's my ex but because we are friends, or at least trying to salvage a friendship we started building two years ago. I know we love each other, but it's always hard when two people can't stand on common ground, no matter what ground it is. Friendship, relationship, the problems don't go away, but we are working on them. We still bitch and complain about each other, but we are working on them. I just hope over the next couple of weeks he comes around, he went through this same exact thing last year, and I always worry, no matter who it is. Friends are friends. I just hope that this time, he follows through on finding what he really needs and doesn't just give in because the stress seems to be gone, but enough about him. I am about to go to bed I think or at least watch a movie, I've been writing all night, tomorrow is the last day of art classes and then I full switch over to writer mode until the end of my creative writing class, have I mentioned how freaking excited I am about this class. With any luck my two passions will clash together at some point this summer. Which considering I have a graphic novel to be working on, it will be a fabulous explosion! I do work tomorrow and I don't think I actually have a day off until sometime next week, but classes are over so it shouldn't be too bad. The weather is so nice outside, I do need to vaccum my carpet, but all in all the apartment is in order, and the only person who comes over here is my ex and since he lived with me he is pretty much aware of my casual attitude towards cleaning. I did find a church to go to which I am also excited about, I didn't go this last weekend because I was at home, but hopefully this sunday. Anyways I suppose that is enough of a rant for now, I think I may just copy and paste this into my other blog and save me some time. Oh yeah and check out the new Disciple song I have playing on my profile. They rock!

What am I super excited about?

Creative Writing! Oh yeah baby. Creative Writing. I think it is going to be an awesome experience, and I can't wait. I thought I had met the prerequisites but apparently not, so I e-mailed the teacher explained what a dork I was and he made the accept ion to let me in. Woo Hoo!

I guess I assumed it would have sank in.

So he called at 2:00am to see if I was OK. I guess it wasn't important enough to call me when someone would have over heard him. But you know what I am not OK. I lost my boyfriend and now I've lost my best friend. I really thought after everything he would have at least tried to make our friendship work. But again, she becomes more important. What other people think becomes more important than how he feels or what he wants. I have never been enough for him, I have never been good enough for him. I am so tired of crying, and so tired of fighting, and so tired of telling him repeatedly how I feel. He doesn't get it, he will never get it. I'm just a second hand person there for his entertainment, someone he has to try and balance things with. Someone he has to yet again hide from the world. He constantly thought my self esteem problem stemmed from somewhere deeper inside, but the truth is, it stemmed directly from every time he hid a phone call with me, or hid our relationship or friendship from everyone else. It came from every lie he ever told. This can't be fixed. Friendships don't require this much building. There is trust and respect there, the two things that lacked from our relationship, so why I thought they would be there now I have no idea, and all I want to do is pick up the phone and talk to him. But I deserve better than that. I deserve someone who truely cares about me. Who really is concerned with how I am doing, and not just what I can do for them.

Tired of studying.

So I'm sick of studying, I'm watching the simple life, this show is so stupid, but it reminds me of when me and Theresa were teenagers. Which is really sad. I suppose its time for bed, I'm going to pop in a movie, go over my notes one more time. My kitties are all over me their being silly, and they don't know it yet, but tomorrow they are going on a diet because they are chubby. The one kitty has a sick belly and I feel bad for her. I hope she gets better. I don't really have the money to take her to the vet, and they said the over the counter medicine I've been giving her will make her better. She's such a sweetheart and always lays in bed and gives me kisses, so I feel bad that sh doesn't feel good. OK enough procrastinating, I have my test tomorrow and one last day of school and then it's all over until next semester thank god. I do have two summer classes I'll be taking, but one of those is for fun so it wont be so bad. In fact I'm rather excited about it.

Blah Blah Blah...

So I have a final tomorrow, and studying, well let's just say I should start doing that. I have my book and all my notes sitting in front of me, I'm just such a procrastinator. I am so super excited though, I just found out that I am getting Bowling for Soup tickets for my birthday. So I will be celebrating my birthday a month late with two of my bestfriends, and it is going to fucking Rock! I can't wait!!!!! And in Minneapolis one of the best cities on the planet!

Girls are so stupid...

So yes my ex who wants to be friends, has completely been banned from hanging out with me. Which is why I never see him and he only calls at two in the morning when everyone else is in bed. I guess I've never really been one for keeping people on chains. I always looked at leashes as a scream of insecurity. Of course I don't blame her, because when we are together we can't keep our hands of each other. But I think that says more about him then about her. The fact of the matter is the harder you pull the farther they will stray, and if it's not me it will be somebody else, and if they really had a strong relationship it wouldn't matter who he hung with. Of course I didn't care who he hung out with and he left me for one of his friends. I look at her as mostly a replacement, not so much a replacement but a shiny object to distract him so he doesn't turn back around. It's interesting how the power of thought even when it's ones own, can really cloud a persons mind. It has been a long weekend, The new job is going pretty good, I hung out with friends this weekend and had a blast I'm glad this is the last week of school and am going to start looking for an apartment. I really am over this. I don't have to work this hard to keep my other friends. Me and Brandon have been friends for 14 years because we have never failed to state loud and clearly that we are friends and thats the way it is. And I look at it like if the friendship is not worthing cementing in stone, then it's just not worth it. And if he doesn't think it's worth it, then why bother. I am so over all of this drama, I seriously am, I need to just move on and leave it all in the past. It will be hard to let some of the things go, but with pain comes renewal. And it is so true that what doesn't kill you will only make you stronger, and I have shed so many tears, and thoughts, and words on this relationship, and I feel like I've been fighting for two years for an illusion that does not, did not, and never will exist.

If I only had a brain.

So J just woke me up after I had been asleep for 2 hrs after working a 14 hr shift. And I am so delusional to think that one day he is going to call me and ask me how I am or how my day was or how I'm doing, or how lifes going. He woke me up to tell me that he didn't have time for me this weekend, that he's to behind, and it leaves me wondering what excuse he will come up with once school is out, and why I'm trying so hard to change things between us, why can't I just be a bitter ex girlfriend and let it go. Why must I insist of trying to build a friendship with someone who obviously has no interest in doing so, and is only going to do to me as his friend, what he did to me as his girlfriend. When did people stop learning how to love, when did respect become such an obsolete word. And are there really people in who care beyond themselves, who possess compassion like I've never seen, and where is this gift of selflessness that I hear so much about, and how does one come to possess it. To become one with everything around them, at peace, and completely protected from all the hate, angry, lying, and manipulating, that goes on in the world. Where has all the good gone?

Well I survived.

So I survived my 14 hr shift today, ate dinner with my dad, came home watched Grays anatomy and now I am so ready to crash I think my brain literally stopped working hrs ago. I am going to miss this apartment so much, but it will be nice not to have that drive.

Am I wrong to want something real?

I hate fake people. And I hate giving myself to people who aren't real. What is so wrong with opening up and being honest, to really giving yourself to someone, to really trying. To really opening up and talking and trying. Whats wrong with searching for happiness and laughing. Whats wrong with staying with the same person forever, having that person who wants to understand you, who wants to support you, whats wrong with evolving with someone throughout the years. Watching them grow old. Loving them with everything you have. What is wrong with wanting something real?

Just an update

So I made it home alive. and the feeling of dread hit me and then slowly began to wear off as the stress set in. Everything was good until today, and then I saw him and there was an incident, that I promised I wouldn't blog about, and although I don't regret the incident, I do wonder if this hasn't changed everything between us forever. I did realize today that things really were over between us, and no matter what I did or said, or how much I begged or pleaded, he was never going to come back to me. And although I don't think he lied to me about loving me, I don't think he ever loved me as a girlfriend. I think he loved having someone there so he wasn't alone. I told him I wanted him to be happy and he said he was happy. In the two years I have known him he has never said that he was happy. Not one single time, and lord knows I tried to make him happy. But I guess I just wasn't meant to be with him. And it will be a hard one to get over. But hopefully I will be able to move on one day. I hope that I'm able to find someone I can talk to and laugh with and am as comfortable with as I was him. Minus all the fighting and leaving of course. i think it really dug the nail in to know that his love for me wasn't the same as my love for him and that all my efforts to put a smile on his face were tireless, that it just took the right girl to turn him on. I guess thats life, and I will miss him and the three little people that go with him. But if we can maintain our friendship hopefully I will still be able to see them grow from a distance. But now it's off to bed, I've been up doing homework all night and I'm starting to think to much, and I don't want to cry and I don't want to feel anymore pain, so I'm just accepting that it's over, he's moved on, and if I continue to make poor choices then I deserve to go to bed feeling deserted.

So I made it back home.

Today was a long day. I drove back home, and as I drove back into town I had this overwhelming feeling of doom. But I reminded myself that everything that happened before friday was in the past, and is laid to rest and that everything in the future was just one day at a time. I did find a church to go to, one in Vermillion and then there was also one is Sioux Falls, and Sioux City. The one in Vermillion only has 8 members, so I am going to call the contact person and find out more information. I think getting back to something spiritual could be very helpful, and I have always had a hard time feeling constricted with beliefs in traditional churches so being able to find a Unitarian church that I hope with be a positive experience was nice. I feel asleep at 7:30 when I got home and then woke up at 12:00 but I suppose I should probably head back to bed since I have drawing class and design class in the Morning. Peace

Cookies!

You Are Cookie Monster

Misunderstood as a primal monster, you're a true hedonist with a huge sweet tooth. You are usually feeling: Hungry. Cookies are preferred, but you'll eat anything if cookies aren't around. You are famous for: Your slightly crazy eyes and usual way of speaking How you life your life: In the moment. "Me want COOKIE!"

The Sesame Street Personality Quiz

My horoscope

It's important to have standards and practices, but it's equally important not to try and force something into a mold that doesn't really suit you. Is this what you want or just what you think you want?

So I made it to page eight.

I made it to page eight, and hopefully this isn't something that will sit stag net in a file on my computer. I think it will really come to life of course with it being the story of my life, wither or not there will be a place to end it is another question all together. I just got of the phone after a good conversation. And I'm ready to sleep. I think in a couple weeks, things will really start to work themselves out. I'm going to start looking for a new apartment where i will be closer to work and school, and I have a few projects lined up for the summer. All and all I'm feeling pretty good right now and it's not the alcohol talking.

So I've had a few beers.

Today was hard, up and down like all the others in recent days. I felt myself slipping back into writers mode, which I had been doing on and off for a few days, getting bits and pieces here and there. It usually happens when I spend 5-10 hrs straight painting, it's as though my brain goes into overload with all the imagery that it starts to put everything into words. I guess I'm doubly blessed like that. So I did start a new story. It's non fiction and it's in the rough stages right now. I'm going back to the beginning 14 years ago and paging it all out. I'm writing it has I remember it and once it's down I'm going to go back and edit stuff out that is too much info, and maybe jazz it up a bit, although my life back then was crazy and doesn't need much jazzing up. I was laughing because when my mom kicked me out of the house to go get drunk, I had already written 4 pages, and hadn't even made it to the prom yet. I think it's going to be very therapeutic, and I think once the past is completely behind me the past the present is going to be that much more clear. I had several ideas of non fiction pieces that I was going to go through. But this time I decided that I wanted to go with what was real. What was there, instead of twisting everything and trying to relay feelings in my writing. For once, I don 't want my anger down on the page, I don't want to go back and look at it. I want to accept it for what it is. Accept it and let it go, I can be angry at myself at the events at everything, but I have no control over those things so I'm letting it all go and moving forward. Alone. And I can do it. Because I'm a survivor, I'm a loving and caring person, I don't like hurting people, and that is all anger does. Peace Out!

“The keys to patience are acceptance and faith. Accept things as they are, and look realistically at the world around you. Have faith in yourself and in the direction you have chosen.”

....

Thank goodness for a goodnight of sleep. Today is all about thinking positive, and smiling. I want to smile alot today. Today I am going to accept the fact, that I can't control other people, or there actions. And I am a good person who deserves to be loved. Who deserves to be loved by someone who wants to share that love with the world, who is willing to tell his friends and family and scream it from every building. That is as proud to be in love with me as I am with them. And I'm not talking PDA. I'm talking not being ashamed to say, this is the person I love. Today is about family and spending time with people I love. Washing away negativity, and laughing.

I want to be true to myself. I want to be open and honest with other people. I want to be able to experience happiness without hatefulessness, jealousy, or regret. I want to be bigger than the problem, and persevere out of all things negative around me. I want to be free to move on and to let go. I want my empathy to run only so deep, and to accept that the ones I love will be loved by others, and even though they choose not to be loved by me, I should still hold positive thoughts and wishes of happiness for them. I want to look at the bigger picture. I was to release all my anger, I don't have room for anger in my life, and it is a waste of energy. I want to fly free, and no that the actions of others around me, has no affect on my state of mind. I want to experience bliss, I want to look in the mirror and see the beautiful person I am, with the gorgeous eyes, and beautiful hair, and my smile. When I smile at myself, I want to see all of my happiness shining back at me through my eyes, so that I giggle to myself and remind myself that I am a good person, with a good heart, a open heart, and a caring soul. These are my goals.

Things about me.

I am a caring person.

I Like to Laugh.

I love to smile.

I love making other people smile.

I love funny jokes, even if there only in my head.

I have a big heart.

I am very compassionate.

I worry about others before I worry about myself, which is not always a good thing.

I like to help people.

I like to discover new things.

I like kissing.

I like tickling and being tickled.

I like bubbles.

Kids make me laugh.

I love animals.

I love going to the zoo.

I love pumpkins.

I love being happy.

I love meeting new people.

I love shopping especially for shoes. If I could walk around naked with nothing but my fancy shoes and an occaisonal accessorie I would be one happy women.

I love the color Green because it's bright.
I love the color Yellow because it's cheerful.
I love the color purple because it's deep.
I love the color red because it's passionate.

I love music.

I love to dance, and do so in my apartment when I'm home alone.

I like to make shadow puppets on the wall.

I love viewfinders.

I love everything sureal.

I love to be intrigued.

I love books.

I love chocolate chip cookie dough.

I love trying weird flavors of ice cream.

I love laying in bed listening to the rain.

I love getting up and turning on the tv and laying in bed under the covers, especially if I have someone to giggle with.

I love easter eggs.

I love pumpkins.

I love being carefree.

I love being daring.

I love standing outside closing my eyes, and breathing deeply.

I love the smell of fresh rain.

I love flowers.

More to come......

I thought I could drive away from it all.

I thought that driving back from MN I could drive away from it all. And there were moments on the road when I felt great, but then it would all coming rushing back again. Why is this so much pain. He is still willing to be friends with me. But I can't help this feeling of betrayal, of being left, of not being good enough. And I don't want to be negative, I know that I am a talented person, that I have friends and family who love me, and who would never hurt me. So why do I feel so bad about myself, this isn't about me. If he didn't want me he wouldn't have kept coming back for more. we wouldn't have stayed together so long. But now it seems like age had made all the difference. That if I was younger had less baggage had less of a past, that I would be exactly what he wanted. How can he just turn it all off. How can he not look at me and remember the good times that we had. How can not remember what it was like friday night, when he was laying next to me in bed, how if felt when we had our arms around each other. Why can't he feel how much I love him, and why do I feel this is all my fault, when it's not all my fault. It's just as much his fault as it was mine, and yet I feel like I'm the one being punished. Like I'm the one that gets stuck alone instead having someone to take his place. Maybe thats because I never wanted someone to take his place. I never looked for someone to take his place. I was so busy loving him and holding on forever, that looking for someone else seemed stupid and pointless, maybe if I had kept my options open throughout our relationship, I would have been the one to move on first. I guess I'll never know. And the University of Nebraska keeps e-mailing me, as some sick reminder of the mistake I was about to make. My mom is right I would have gone to Nebraska and he would have broken up with me there. Just like when he asked me to move in with him and his friend in January, if I had said yes then two months later I would have been out on my ass with no apartment and no where to go. But yet I feel like I'm being punished for trying to make good choices.

Just thoughts.

So I'm off to bed, today has been a long day, I am experiencing so many emotions at once. I feel betrayed, but I wasn't really dating the person that betrayed me. I chose to keep sleeping with him. He found someone else and in 3 weeks took what it took us 2 years to build up. I want all this negativity to go away, I want all this anger and sadness to go away. I don't want to have angry thoughts towards people, especially people I don't know. But on the other hand, I think it's a normal reaction what I'm feeling. We were together a long time. He lived with me for a very long time, and within a month he moved in with a group of people almost 10 years younger, I can only imagine wanting to be able to relate to all of them. And they are nice people, I'm not saying they aren't I'm just saying, he is highly influenced by those around him. I don't think us sleeping together over the last three weeks would have been so bad if he hadn't hid it from everyone. It seems like he was always hiding everything from everyone, and even now after the fact. When were just friends. I'm still suppose to be ok hiding from everyone we hang out but I'm not suppose to tell anyone, and he was a real friend yesterday and today, He was there when I really needed someone and I really appreciate it. I just don't know where there is a place for me in his life. and vice versa. We are only going to keep hurting eachother, and thats not how friends are. Friends don't hurt each other. Friends don't cry over each other. Friends are happy for one another, friends support each other, friends care about each other, and act like they care about eachother, they are honest with each other, and they work through there problems thats what friends are for. I just can't be here anymore. Everything around me hurts to much. I just can't deal anymore. I just want to let go of everything. I just want to forget it all. I can't continue to be so sad while everyone around me is laughing and carrying on, I don't have it in me. I want my own happiness, I want something to smile about, and I don't want all of this negativity floating around me any longer. So I'm letting it all go.