What a weird day...

So today I woke up in bed after a very long nights sleep, to a phone call from a friend telling me a mutual friend had died. Then I called James to see if would like to go get ice cream and go for a walk in the park. He said yes, and then ice cream turned into the end of our relationship. I keep waiting for the realization that everything that has happened, really happened. I sat and I listened to him, and I tried really hard this time to make sure I really understood what he was saying to me, I wanted to make sure that this time I really made the right decision and that this wasn't just another one of our many fights, and then I realized that it was over, he was so right, it was completely over and there was nothing that was going to change that, and I realized that sleeping with him and carrying on sexual phone conversations was only going to ruin his relationship with his new girlfriend, ( duh! I know) But I kept hearing him say how he was at this point where everything in his life was starting to come together, where he was beginning to find the peace he had been searching for so long, and that the turmoil was finally ending, and I realized that wither or not it was intentional, my relationship with him had been nothing but turmoil, and no matter how many times I tried, I was never able to get it right. The communication, any of it. I was never able to say what I needed to say when it needed to be said. I never explained anything so that he would understand. I really made him feel bad about himself, and I don't want to do that anymore. I don't want him to feel bad about himself. I don't want to feel bad about myself. And I don't want to keep hiding our friendship and making myself feel bad, because the worse I feel about myself, the more negative I become, and that just rubs off on him. And he is soo mad at me right now, and he has every right to be. He is right I lied to him. I told him we could always be friends, and here we are a little over a month lating, and I'm already bailing. but I thought I was trying. I thought I was doing a good thing, and then today I realized that my attempts were only making things worse. That I was only replaying our entire relationship, and that if I didn't stop it now, we would just end up hating each other. And I don't want to cry anymore, and I don't want him to have to worry about one more friendship, or having to make time for one more person in his already busy life. And he really does have a lot going on and it is only going to multiply, and I really need to shed this apartment, move to Vermillion and move on with my life. I think eventually I'm going to break down and cry, but I need to keep telling myself that this really is for the best. And we will always have October 29th.