I now understand why brides actually runaway.

My wedding was canceled.  The wedding I had planned for 4 days before Christmas.  The one nobody really wanted to plan or talk about, and yet were polite enough to keep their negative opinions to themselves.  I contact everyone to tell them it had been canceled, well almost everyone.  There were the return calls from the bridal shop just checking one last time.  There was the long uncomfortable phone call from the venue trying to explain for 20 minutes that they were doing me a favor by offering to let me keep my deposit if I rescheduled before March.  A proposition I did not ask them for.  Then I received the Facebook message, wishing me a good day, telling me what a beautiful princess I was going to be.  And today I received our first gift along with a note wishing us all the best in our new life.  So I'm done, I'm broken, and I can only hope I will make it through this week with running away myself and abandoning my family on Christmas.

Wick em' Bra Liners

    I am going to shamelessly plug this product.  Wick em' Bra liners, they are fabulous!  I took them for their first full trial run today and they passed with flying colors.  In fact these things worked so well that I would post a before and after picture of my breasts if it wouldn't send everyone running for the hills.  These are a simple bra liner insert made of Bamboo that absorbs moisture and keep sweet from forming and causing rashes and other unforeseen skin illnesses from forming and reeking havoc. 
     Afterwards your skin is completely dry, it doesn't smell, itch, or hurt in anyway.  If you haven't discovered these yet go buy them, I bought mine at Lane Bryant, but I have seen them several places, plus they have a website.  Now seriously stop reading and go order one now!

Wick em' 

Sara Evans - Slow Me Down

Well, that is one way to express what I've been going through.

Kelly Clarkson - Underneath the Tree

A Little Merry Christmas!

If I were a Queen!

If I was Mary Queen of Scots, or Elizabeth, Anne Boleyn I would make sure that I was able to swing a sword. I would work out even if it was in secret so I could beat the shit out of someone. I hate seeing beautiful woman in power, weakened to a man in strength. I imagine these ladies were not as submissive as they appear, there must have been some stabbing, mutilating, bloodshed happening behind the castle walls. That is the story I want to hear! Alice slaying the Jabberwocky, Mulan taking on an Army of men, these stories were based of off some sort of fact, a desire for them to be true!

My boobs are pretty secure.

They said boobs fall out of dresses all the time, and while I think it is no big deal, I  can honestly say that my boobs have never fallen bare out of my Bra, I've popped a few buttons, a snap or too.  But when I put on a new bra for the first time the first thing I do is bend over, hold my arms arm, and verify that even if I have some muffin top action going on during the day, my boobs are most certainly in my bra and not waving to the public as we go by!  I will also point on I don't know Amanda Palmer or her music, and I'm references boob malfunctions in general.

Headed Down

I have no idea what comes next.  Things are tense and awkward and a little fucked up to say the least.  And I am sure I am not the first person to have to maneuver between a boyfriend and a mother, but I'm not sure if breaking up with him and calling off the wedding was the right thing to do.  Yesterday I was getting married and today I'm looking at all this crap wondering how the hell I'm going to pack it all up and where the hell I'm going to put it.  Things get so complicated so quickly and when everything is always your fault you constantly wonder why am I like this?  why do I do these things?  Why can't I just be happy with the way things are?  But then I get mad because I don't understand why people can't answer questions straight forward and honestly.  If I ask may I get a dog, if you hate dogs and the said dog is going to be the demise of the relationship then the answer would be No dear I don't think a dog is a good idea.  Not yes, lets get a dog.   Passive aggressive behavior, and a let of standards only meant for the other person.  The unwillingness to have a conversation about it.  I'm just frustrated, so fucking frustrated.

I had forgotten how close to Heaven I lived.

Negativity gone, I'm sorry to everyone who had endure my anger, I'm going to focus on the positive from now on.  I don't know where I'm going, or how I am going to get there.  I don't even who I will meet along the way, but I do know that any causalities will be unavoidable and unwanted by me.

Signs, Signs, everywhere are Signs.

     Fuckin' of the scenery, blowin' my mind.   This pretty much describes me.  I'm sick of being the problem, when I'm the only one looking for a solution.  So today I said fuck it and I went downstairs to organize my shit and clean up my room.  I went to get a sweater from my free standing closet.  I have a free standing closet because my boyfriends little girl has the biggest closet in the house, and my boyfriend has the next biggest closet, and I have no closet at all.  Until a few weeks ago I had no dresser either, for 4 years my clothes have laid in heaps on the floor.
      I had bought this piece of shit free standing closet so I at least felt like I had a place of my own ( 50 ways to say goodbye by train just came on Pandora, it only solidifies what I am saying.)  So I reach for my sweater and the whole fucking closet collapses, I tell the kids to go get their dad thinking he can somehow help me prevent this impending disaster.  He says there is nothing we can do the damn thing is broken and there is no where to put your clothes so you'll just have to pile them on the bed for now.  Then the entire closet collapses and he says to me, did you put that dresser up against the rack.  No I say, I was trying to make room.  Well there is the problem, that chest was holding up the clothes rack and now you've completely broke it.   
      So there is the fucking sign, the one thing I needed in this goddamn house to make me feel like I had my own space, collapsed on the floor, and all he can do is point his fucking finger and blame me.  Well fuck him and fuck this house.

I just did that.

I just used an Elmer's Glue stick to reapply adhesive to an Incredibles stamp so that I could mail a transcript request to my former University.  There are so many things wrong with this situation, and all of them make me laugh!

Ylvis - The Fox (What Does the Fox Say?) [Official music video HD]

I cannot get this out of my head and it is driving me nuts!

I'm feeling a Theme.

When I went to the post office the other day to pick up stamps for my wedding invitations, the woman behind the counter said she had no wedding stamps that I had a choice between Disney or Johnny Cash.  I realize now that she was offering me a choice, I guess I should have gone with Disney instead of walking out that door.  On the other hand I have always appreciated Johnny Cash's music so today's theme song brings it all together!

I didn't think I'd lose so much at once.

I'm cleaning, I went to put the cats picture and ashes together; Tears began to fall.  I didn't think in a months time I would lose the love of my life, and the one companion that always kept me together.  Times are changing fast and there is no telling which way it will go, or how it will all end up.  I know I am in shock, I am trying desperately to keep it together, and I am certain once I am left to hold it on my own, I will lose it, tears will fall, screams will be heard, hearts will be shattered.  

On another note, the invitations to the Bridal Shower arrived to go with the piles of other worthless shit in my basement.  I realized a lot of the shit was paper or flammable material of some type.  I also have an unopened bag of Marshmallows, a Box of Graham crackers, and several bars of chocolate.  No to mention the unused lighter from not smoking.  I also have a full tank of gas an empty mini van and directions to Theresa's house.

Can you say Mother Fucker!

     That's where I am at right now.  Mother Fucker!  I have a wedding in two months, I have cold feet, and he pretty much stood up and ran screaming from the ice cold water.  What to do, what to do.  I probably shouldn't even put this on my blog for the world to see, but my thoughts are going to explode inside my brain and this is my out.  It's been my out, I've had this damn blog since 2007 and it's gotten me through some pretty shitty situations.
     I'm still not back at work, so I have no stable income, a groom on the run, a house that's not mine, two kids I can't bear to let go of, a dog, and only a dog because my best friend the cat up and died on my on Friday the 13th, and I am pretty certain at this point he was trying to send me one last message.  Oh and my mother is living with us!
     And no, my mother is not the root of our problems, she is not insane or overbearing, in fact I think she is the only thing that has kept me from diving further into the deep abyss.  She keeps me grounded and makes me feel like I need to be sane and think logically, something Dustin to this day still thinks I am unable to do.  I really think my weird, quirky, spastic personality is really too much for someone who is calm and reserved.  Two of the things I may add that I love the absolute most about him.
      So my days are going like this,  I think I'll sort some pictures, but do I organize then in one container or do I need to separate them into family piles, and if he has one family pile, and I have no family pile then does that mean I'm deciding we are not one big family because I don't really want that, but I don't really want to have to resort the pictures again because it's going to hurt like hell.
    Skip sorting the pictures how about my computer.  Again maybe I should take everything off the computer that is not genetically connected to me or connected to my past somehow.  That's 4 years of pictures and he is going to need them, that include Kindergarten graduations, first day of school for the last 4 years.  Birthday, holidays, funerals, new friends, old relatives.  It's all a big mess, we are so completely intertwined.  And I don't want my hard drive to be empty of any of them, I fear my i mac may begin to rot inside from a broken heart without their smiling facings to keep it going. 
    The kids are looking forward to Halloween, Dusty is R2D2 and he has been begging me for Months to be princess Leia.  He keeps asking me about my costume.
     The lady across the street keeps asking me to come over for a visit. Do I go visit or wait till it's time to say good bye and then go over for some tea.
     Things are so stupidly complicated right now, and every night I go to bed and wake up again the next morning, hoping this will be different, that they will have some how have turned themselves around.  Theresa told me not to get married, I should have listened, and next time I will. I don't want to be a failure, or a disappointment to anyone, I also don't want to put pressure on anyone, but I love him, I want to marry him, and I will do it, in a white dress in a church or barefoot in the back yard, with or without family, flowers, music, decorations, it was never about the wedding, it was about him and our family, and now I feel like I'm on the outside, where I was always afraid I would end up.
     It's funny because when you start dating someone and you say look here's honesty, I don't want to get into this huge commitment that were just going to bail from in a few years, get all wrapped up in ourselves and end up sorting DVD's on the living room floor when you decide you hate me, we have nothing in common, you want more, ect...    And they always say the same thing.  But I love you, I love spending time with you, and that's not going to happen trust me.   Never trust anyone that tells you to trust them, and at the first chance of heartache, run fast, run hard, and don't look back.  Loneliness may be hard to handle and my come with tears and a heavy heart but with loneliness, there is still a heart, you can still feel it beating, and there is always hope that your best friend is around the corner.  A broken heart is sick, it's angry, it's hurts, and it produces an emptiness that is so deep and so hard to fill, that even hope has no place to hold one.

Sheryl Crow - Redemption Day - Sheryl Crow

This is what was playing in my head all day.

music video- gotta have you- the weepies

A shout out to my shower mate!

Does that sounds strange?  I'm sure it does, but I feel like I have been imprisoned with this woman my whole life.  Lucky for me she's attractive, humorous, witty, and extremely entertaining.  Head over to her blog for a bone tickling experience,  I dare you!

Thoughts From The Shower

Marilyn my dear.....

The Best Nirvana Cover Ever!

Love the eerie beauty of her voice.

My Greatest Fear.....

My greatest fear is that one day an English teacher will show up at my door, and smack me for all my grammatical errors.

Step Motherhood

I am not sure what happened between then and now.  Every interaction I've had with children had been fleeting.  The last man wanted trophies to show off with no responsibilities.  I remember showing up at his house and seeing his large sausage fingers wrapped around that little pink neck.  I yanked on him so hard that I thought the real damage would be from the force of me pulling him into my arms.  I held him for hours pacing back and forth singing Me and Bobby McGhee .  There were no marks and he appeared fine.  Looking back I should have called the police or taken him to the hospital the day I said goodbye for the last time, he was 3.  He could speak but he would never remember me or the fact that I saved his life.I swore to myself no more kids.  They hold onto your hearts every time the asshole in their life walks away.  I started looking for someone new, something different.  I needed comfort and stability so naturally I looked to the Internet.  I wanted a man which is an entirely different thought in itself.  The man must be single, employed, educated, and must not have children.6:00 am freshly laid from Mr. Wrong and I receive a message from a cute guy with 2 kids, who was looking for love in clearly all the wrong places.  I agreed to meet.  I through my wants and needs right out the window, and now here I am 3.5 years later waiting for my soon to be step daughter to get out of her play group.  She is such a beautiful girl of 9 who smiles energetically one moment. And is caught staring off with her dark dangerous eyes.  I look at them like a book and try to read the pain that's behind them.  It's as though she's finally discovered what the rest of bus all ready know.  That she is unique and her family is so twisted that any outsider finds is difficult to sort out all the pieces.  What she doesn't know that as much as her mother curls my nerves and her oldest sibling annoy me so.  That next to her father and her brother I love her more than I could ever imagined I would.  She reminds me of me before all the mistakes and regrets.  She is beautiful and kind and one cruel word from her mouth can break my heart in pieces.  I anticipate her growing old,  I look forwards to being friends and always being there for her to turn to and to trust, always keeping her from harms way.

Old Love, New Love

The first piece of true writing I've done in a awhile

Old Love, New Love

you laid across the floor in the darkness of your living room,  naked, silent, longing.  The room whispered her name gently as my mind quietly held onto thoughts of him.

My presence broke the silence, it felt wrong but my objections came too late.  Your cold fingers undressed me; pulling me close, inviting yourself in. 

 Your flowers, wine and 3 hour conversations, clashed with his lies, betrayal, and broken hearts.

I knew my choice as the words rose from the bottom of my throat, I screamed No!,  I can't with such passion that being pushed away seemed confusing.  I awkwardly gathered my clothes,  avoiding your eyes as I slipped into them and walked out the door.

Happy Birthday Poseidon!

Today was the cats 12th birthday.  I had forgotten the date until this afternoon and then all of a sudden it came to me, which made sense of why I woke up with his fuzzy butt planted on my face.  I cannot believe that I have had this relationship for 12 years.  When I think of the tears that have been shed across his fur, the anxiety attacks settled by his purr, and the laughter he has caused just being himself.  I love him and have always said that if he were a human he would be the love of my life.   I hope he lives for another 8 years, I want my first child to love him as much as the kids do.

Bitch, Bully, Bulls eye

My daughter is 9.  My daughter is 9 and she is being bullied.  She comes home depressed and unhappy everyday.  I sit and talk to her and ask her questions like, are the kids at school mean to you? Have they said things to hurt you?  Do you they pick on you and call you names?  She always says No.  I don't have any friends, except two.  No one else wants to be my friend.   So I think if no one is being mean to her and they haven't called her names or hurt her, then maybe she is not developing her social skills correctly.  Maybe the moodiness and the tantrums at home are just her become a sassy tween.   

Maybe I'm asking the wrong questions.  The problem isn't the girls calling her names or picking on her.  It's the Queen Bitch of the 3rd grade who has trained her minions to ignore her.  She has trained them to stand up and move when she sits down or comes near them. They don't talk to her, they don't include her, and they courage everyone to do the same.  My daughter is a walking bulls eye.  And all she says to me when 
I address her is.  I hope the kids will change their minds.  I want them to know that I'm a nice person, and that I'm creative, and I like animals.  I just want a friend.

I happened upon all this from a parent who's daughter is a friend and was being targeted by this same girl because they both liked the same boy.  They are in the 3rd grade.  It's the last day of school so there is nothing I can do, my daughter will be protected by the warmth of Summer.  But that means we have 3 months to come up with a plan, to protect her and to make this stop.  I'm disgusted and I'm heart broken, and I blame the school for paying too much attention to her sunburn and to little attention to the fact she is sitting alone and being secluded by everyone in the class. I love my daughter and she deserves better.  She deserves more.  And the Queen B of the third grade deserves therapy, needs therapy, there is just something wrong with a boy crazed 9 year old full of hate,

News Flash by Dusty

The wasps are attacking the house!  We fight!  We win the fight!

~Dusty

My Foot

I waited one year and four months.  I was so nervous when we arrived at the hospital but my friend was there, holding my hand. Dustin was there, holding my hand. As I began to get nervous,  they gave me medicine, they drew a lot of blood from my neck, and then they wheeled me down the hallways.  They took me into OR 3 I moved onto an operating table, and then I woke up with Theresa by my side.

I cannot walk, and yet I have this amazing friend, who has been by my side, every single day.  She awake in the middle of the night to take me to the bathroom. She changes my pants and makes me dinner.  She takes care of my children!  I could not begin to explain how grateful I am to have her as a friend.  I feel so lucky and so safe, and so taken care of.

Lost Entry.

I found this today in the back of a college notebook, that had not be opened for years.


When he left she felt as though she had died inside.
One last kiss and a quick goodbye.
She knew as she boarded the plane that her life would never be the same.
She convinced herself she could go on like before, but each day her emptiness grew.
Every touch from a man brings back her pain.
The paranoia sets in and gets worse everyday.
You can feed her all the pills in the world, but they can't fill the hole that continues to grow.
~Kandi

The Yellow Wallpaper

The yellow wallpaper by  Charlotte Perkins Gilman

Theresa has been hounding me to read this story.  She kept telling me I'd understand when I was done.  She was right, I understood.  I understood what I had been missing as a writer myself, I realized that my direction was all wrong, and that I was spending too much time trying to hide my thoughts instead of just putting the crazy out there for everyone to analyze.  This story moved me, and it opened my eyes, and gave me the immediate sense of need to starting writing anything,  like I too was trapped behind that dreaded wallpaper and needed to start tearing away at the layers.  I loved it, and wish I had read it sooner.  It's a free Kindle download so you don't even have to leave the house just click a button and enjoy!

http://amzn.com/B0082UPBWC

Fantastically Spastic.....

I do not think I can wait until Dec.  I cannot cannot cannot.   I find myself looking at the same bridal gowns over and over and over again thinking I will some how change my mind.  I put down the deposit on the venue.  I have gathered the decorations and made a list and contacted the person we need to rent everything from.  I have my maid of honor and flower girl, and dresses picked out for all three of us.  I have narrowed down the rings and the food.  The save the dates are arriving on Monday and the mailing list is made.  The cake is picked out with the cake topper.  I'm going to get very bored come February and start making excuses to change things.

This time feels so much different.  It feels right, and grown up.  Like I made the decision because this is what is best for me and not because I felt pressured or was running from anything,  I don't feel the need to please everyone, and the only person who has had anything negative to say about any of it is my brother, and he can go fuck himself for all I care.  He's my brother, I love him, but he is very judgmental and a major Debbie Downer.

As of now, this is the dress, maybe with a red sash.

 

My Favorite Photograph

This is a beautiful photograph I took while at the Omaha Zoo it is one of my favorites and I now have it available for sale on Zazzle!

Gorilla in Thought by strangekandidesigns
Browse other Gorilla Canvas Prints