One day I will drown in my own tears.

Age 26

So age 26 feels like it is truely kicking the shit out of me all the way to the end. Between graduation, and the month of April, the broken hearts I've endured over the last year, the enemies I have in advertently made. The new home, and new job, feeling lonely, feeling lost. Being sad, and learning how to truely survive, this year as been one hell of a year. I don't realy know where I am going. Two people have died in the last couple of weeks, one an uncle who although I didn't know very well, I remember fondly from being a child. The other my friends father, who always refered to me as daughter and although he wasn't around alot was still dad. My brother isn't speaking to me or anyone realy that I know of and I don't know why, and my mother keeps saying and doing all of the wrong things. My job sucks and is so stressful that today I was actually in tears. I was at the point I just couldn't take it anymore. I go up and down where I feel fine and then I stop and think and ask myself are you realy happy? Is this realy where you want to be in your life. And there are days when I think if I just had someone to love me, someone who would put there arms and me and tell me that I was theres and I was everything they ever wanted that it in itself would do it for me. But I don't realy believe you can be everything someone has every wanted, and I don't realy believe there is someone out there who can wake up in the morning and look at me and feel that I make them happy. But the thought is nice. I think the thought that there is someone anyone out there that wants you is a happy thought. I can only think that this year of my life is truely almost over and that hopefully on Thursday morning I will wake up and 27 will have a little more of something to offer.

..............................

To the one I didn't know but wish I did. Happy Birthday you are in thoughts.
To the one I knew but didn't get the chance to say good bye to. I love you and you are forever in my heart.
To the one I never talk to because we never have much to say I love you even if you don't know it.
and To the one who tries so hard and feels like he is constantly failing like the rest; you are a wonderful father..

It is what defines all of you, it is who you are, and it is why we love you and continue to love you everyday.

Chubbers Baby!

Everyone should go to Amy's blog and check out the pics she posted of Chubbers dog.... He is sooo cute! Link is to the left.

What Happened to Garfield and Friends?

The Oblongs
This cartoon is disturbing. The two times I've seen it, I have watched the same episode. The sick thing is it's realy funny! Plus Will Ferrel does the voice of the Dad and you can't beat that.

Rob Gonsalves

This artist is amazing his name is Rob Gonsalves
He definetly reminds me of MC Escher who is also one of my favorites. Enjoy my newest discovery. God I love the internet!

Rolling Stone

So some may not know but I'm a bit of a Rolling Stone Junkie, Rolling Stone to sooth my soul, and Vogue to make me drool.... Anyways my subscription ran out and I haven't purchased a copy in a couple of months but today unnoticed the 1000 anniversary edition and I decided I needed to buy it if for nothing else but to add to my secret magazine stash. Yes I have a magazine stash that I keep in a safe dry place not tons of them but just a few of my favorites or ones that were collections like when LIFE did a cover fold of the Beatles for there 25th anniversary, the first issue of SPIN that contained South Park, this was when South Park was new and had not been run through the ringer over and over again, Rolling Stones tribute to Jim Morrison and what not. I keep these with all the play bills I collect. Point Being. I figured even if it was crap I had an item to add to my collection and it displayed a lot of the cover art and had a major focus on the photographers so I was intrigued.

Getting to my point.....
I started reading the magazine which is much thicker than usual and I have yet to finish it. It's focuses on the photographers and the different subjects they have shot over the years, focusing on some of the more famous or infamous cover shots. It also goes in to length the history of Rolling Stone and how they earned their status as the top rock magazine. What I've learned after reading 1/4 of the magazine, I am no where near being a Rolling Stone junkie. I did not know half the things about this magazine and what it was about as I thought I did. The stories and journeys there recount in this issue are absolutely amazing. I am sure I will have tons of things to say on the subject when I finally come to my conclusion but for now I will leave you with one paragraph, one that struck me particular. It was powerful, well put, political, and beyond truthful.

p.82 RS 1000

In the Forties or fifties, in the age of FDR or Ike, you grew up thinking the president was like your dad. If you grew up with Kennedy, he was a handsome young prince living in a castle. Nixon was the first to rule in an era when the president was something gross your parents whispered about at night, like ethnic neighbors or anal sex. These days, the idea of the president as a sort of hideous, power-crazed monster with a lizard brain and a ten-foot erection is almost universal. In fact, we choose our presidents now solely on the basis of their ability to survive a grueling two-year process designed to beat out of a man everything but his most nakedly criminal urges. We ritually assault his friends and family, make him perform acts that would shame a Thai whore-and if he's still smiling at the end of it all, we pick him. Only a monster, a Nixon, is capable of that finish-line face. We know that, and we choose him anyway. Why? Because that's who we are. We get off on that sort of thing. The fascination runs very deep. And it's far too late to do anything about it....

It's Friday! and I have absolutely no idea where the weekend will lead me. But for the moment I'm in an excellent mood, now I am off to work to destroy that!

Amy!!!!!!

More Poetry

I have updated the poetry blog for all of my non existence fans, I tried to stay happy this time, but it only slightly worked. I hope you enjoy!

It Makes You Wonder...

It realy makes you wonder if these people every wake up and think, wow maybe today I should actually do my job. It's disturbing to think that their carelessness could have endangered so many people.

See Story.....

Some things are better left to the stage.

So I finally broke down and watched Rent well lets say I finally broke down and attempted to watch Rent. It sucked Royally absolutely sucked.... Some things are better left on stage. Will still remain one of my favoriate performances, I'll just never watch it on the big screen.

I Rock!

Although my grades were not fabulous ..... at all. And my grade point average is sitting at a 2.93 but none the less, I graduate I absolutely fucking graduate! I now hold an Associate of Applied Science in Graphic Communications. I am so freakin excited!!!!!!!

Because it's that kind of morning.

“Behind every successful woman is a substantial amount of coffee”

New Pics Cuz I Rock

I'm off to see the wizard

So I am off to work, I am going to stretch because my calfs hurt from speed walking which is so strange, but they do, I feel like I need to do like 100 sit ups to make myself feel better. I wish I had a different job this one is boring and does not work the side of my brain that I like to use, it uses the side of my brain that waits for trivia questions and says ok try again, this time with something a little more challenging, the part of my brain that laughs at people because they under estimate it's intelligence. Oh well. I suppose I should go I am going to attempt to braid my hair because I'm sick of the whole a fallen pony tail look. Not that any of my pointless ramblings matter but hey thats life. Hopefuly I will finish reading message in a bottle today so I can move onto a more interesting book, I may run to the library before work and try checking out Turn of the Screw so I can know exactly what the fuck someone is talking about and discuss it accordingly. I have a feeling he has outwitted everyone once again which he has a tendancy to do and which is a major turn on, but I don't like to be outwitted or clueless so I must read the book so I can a ha! I get it......... I'm weird I know.

I'm off to see the wizard

So I am off to work, I am going to stretch because my calfs hurt from speed walking which is so strange, but they do, I feel like I need to do like 100 sit ups to make myself feel better. I wish I had a different job this one is boring and does not work the side of my brain that I like to use, it uses the side of my brain that waits for trivia questions and says ok try again, this time with something a little more challenging, the part of my brain that laughs at people because they under estimate it's intelligence. Oh well. I suppose I should go I am going to attempt to braid my hair because I'm sick of the whole a fallen pony tail look. Not that any of my pointless ramblings matter but hey thats life. Hopefuly I will finish reading message in a bottle today so I can move onto a more interesting book, I may run to the library before work and try checking out Turn of the Screw so I can know exactly what the fuck someone is talking about and discuss it accordingly. I have a feeling he has outwitted everyone once again which he has a tendancy to do and which is a major turn on, but I don't like to be outwitted or clueless so I must read the book so I can a ha! I get it......... I'm weird I know.

Insert Witty Title Here.

I had the best day off yesterday, I don't remember the last time I enjoyed a day like yesterday, I laughed, I cried, it was absolutely fabulous. Today I woke up and it was the perfect morning and I was smiling, and it felt good, I went to work and started to feel a little sad that I had decided not to go to my graduation. The thought that if I was not here I would be home celebrating, I thought my parents would at least call to congratulate me or tell me good job or anything, but no phone calls, no congratulations, and I'm sure that tomorrow will come and it will be just as though another day has passed. I am on day two of not smoking and although I did cheat and smoke one at lunch I am doing much better than the last time I attempted to quit. Well I think I will go paint my nails and go to bed. I need to start apartment hunting in the morning, I realy don't want to give up my apartment though, it's been a good apartment even if it was for just a short time. It made us a good home.

Ready to Scream!!!!!!

So I sent off two of the three websites. One of which I had to tear apart after finishing it and redue in an entirely different program, had I not had to do this all of my websites would be done. I don't know when I will find time to do the third one which has to be in on wednesday morning, I can only hope we are not busy at work tomorrow so I have time to finish it. Not to mention my English paper, which at this point I'm not even going to bother to write. On wednesday I will feel better because it will all be over with, although part of me feels like I should be at my graduation, that is if I actually graduate not that it's a big deal, but it makes it feel complete instead of just another day. Oh well I will go to the next one I suppose. Anyways I am going to bed now to get in my six hrs of sleep before getting up and dealing with bitchy people all day! Woo Hoo the story of my life.

I am such a Dork!

So I needed some humour and I went and rented National Lampoons Barely Legal and American Pie Band Camp. I didn't like National Lampoons because it was stupid and not even stupid funny It would have been ok if the two main girls had different first names but watching to chicks named Ashley and Naomi run around naked just wasn't doing it for me. So now I am watching American Pie Band Camp and it's not even funny but I keep laughing because I have so been there, The guy why trying to march from one yard line to the next in eight steps and couldn't which is so not funny and yet I died laughing so I decided that A. I spent too much time in the high school marching band, and B. I'm a totally Band Geek! Homework break is over must get back to work.

Quote of The Day!

"and then I got stoned and started thinking like a Democrat."

Kandi

Movies

The Family Stone Sucks! I was looking forward to laughing and cheering myself up, this movie was depressing there was one funny part that lasted all of 2 seconds and that was it. Not to mention the completely unrealistic and yet predictable ending.

MatchPoint ; one I will have to watch again because I feel asleep only to wake up during the turning point at the end, so thats pretty much screwed but I'll watch it again anyways.

Now I am watching Coffee and Cigarettes which seemed appropriate after my week, and although it was an interesting concept I think to realy get the movie you would have to be stoned. Not drunk but stoned, it would require a mind numbing zone out to truely appreciate whats going on.

I will watch the Skeleton Key next, I saved it for last because I have seen it, it is reliable, it is good, scary but not gory I was kind of in a horror flick mood, but didn't want to watch any scary movies by myself I am such a woose!

I will get my fill of culture yet.

So despite my pending disaster from last night and missing the theater. I am happy to report that Andy has asked me to go to Caberet, which is my all time favorite musical and I have wanted to see it on stage since I was 11! That is 16 years of wishing and hoping and saying one day! Well one day his here and next weekend I am going to Caberet and I am completely stoked! No high expectations, no faulty clothing, no I gotta be somewhere in 3 hrs. Now I have to say for those of you who have not seen Caberet, it takes quite a man to be willing to sit through that, so Andy I do appreciate it and I can't wait!

I am so exhausted and I am off to bed again, I feell ike I get up go to work, go home, do homework go to sleep, I have been surviving on coffee and nicotine neither of which are good for me, and I swear that on monday when it's all said and done, I am starting the whole non smoking process all over again. I have been walking everyday which is good since I desperately need to drop all of this extra weight. I can't wait to hit the Golf Course I have been reading up on tips and I am going to kick some major ass! I spent all day getting yelled at and I realy thought I was at the end of my rope and then a realy good friend of mine gave me flowers for no reason at all. Purple roses have always been my favorite but I think they have just been out weighed by Pink. So I am going to go sniff my flowers and then grab the kitties and toss them in bed so we can all cuddle before going to sleep. It's almost the weekend. It's almost the weekend.

Off to work

I am so fucking exhausted, like beyond exhausted I am literally surviving on Caffeine and Nicotine, and all I keep thinking is I need to get really drunk this weekend, which is really bad... and I wont cuz I don't like to drink alone, but I think I definetly need to come up with a stress relieving activity. Life is grand.

I wonder if I'll make it.

I just got done taking a test and a quiz and responding to my discussion questions in Theater class. I have to get up in 5 hrs so that I can work a 12 hr shift, and I still have so much to do. I wish I could do some of this stuff at work only I can't. We have been so busy and I am so sick of my job. I don't feel like I am using my brain at all, and I didn't even realize it until I started hitting the books, like actually studying, I honestly feel like I have not had one real thought in months. As though my brain is programmed to think one way and any sort of abstract thinking has been turned off. Part of me so wants to look for a job somewhere else where I can be creative and be a free thinker but that dreams is not realistic and will not pay my bills, but oh if it would. I also need to seriously find an apartment, although I don't want to leave this one, and it holds so many good memories, and not so good memories, but it feels like home and I hate to leave it. Anyways I should go to bed, my kitty is passed out next to me and I am sure she would rather sleep on my bed then this uncomfortable couch, I am sure I will write more later.

Must Sleep!

I am so off to bed! I am exhausted. I have been working on one project all day and I can't believe I haven't finished it yet. I will be so glad when this is all over. I feel like I'm completely neglecting my life. I have got to find a new apartment and get the the University and register for classes, hopefully I can still register. I filled out my financial aid but I'm sure there are extra forms and crap I have to sign. I did have a nice drive over dinner so that was fun! I can't wait until the minature golf place opens up. I need to practice I need to be able to kick some ass this summer. I only played once last year. I use to play all the time. Plus I need to brush up on the rules of the game. Oh yeah boys look out here I come!