I thought I could drive away from it all.

I thought that driving back from MN I could drive away from it all. And there were moments on the road when I felt great, but then it would all coming rushing back again. Why is this so much pain. He is still willing to be friends with me. But I can't help this feeling of betrayal, of being left, of not being good enough. And I don't want to be negative, I know that I am a talented person, that I have friends and family who love me, and who would never hurt me. So why do I feel so bad about myself, this isn't about me. If he didn't want me he wouldn't have kept coming back for more. we wouldn't have stayed together so long. But now it seems like age had made all the difference. That if I was younger had less baggage had less of a past, that I would be exactly what he wanted. How can he just turn it all off. How can he not look at me and remember the good times that we had. How can not remember what it was like friday night, when he was laying next to me in bed, how if felt when we had our arms around each other. Why can't he feel how much I love him, and why do I feel this is all my fault, when it's not all my fault. It's just as much his fault as it was mine, and yet I feel like I'm the one being punished. Like I'm the one that gets stuck alone instead having someone to take his place. Maybe thats because I never wanted someone to take his place. I never looked for someone to take his place. I was so busy loving him and holding on forever, that looking for someone else seemed stupid and pointless, maybe if I had kept my options open throughout our relationship, I would have been the one to move on first. I guess I'll never know. And the University of Nebraska keeps e-mailing me, as some sick reminder of the mistake I was about to make. My mom is right I would have gone to Nebraska and he would have broken up with me there. Just like when he asked me to move in with him and his friend in January, if I had said yes then two months later I would have been out on my ass with no apartment and no where to go. But yet I feel like I'm being punished for trying to make good choices.