Not doing so hot right now.

Just took an anxiety pill. Trying to sleep but feeling like I'm having a panick attack. I've had alot on my mind and all in all the week has gone pretty well. There was the conversation with the guy. Were back to talking, we had a few lapses in judgement where we ended up together. And although I don't regret it, I don't think it's benefiting either of us either. I don't want to be in bed with someone just for kicks. I want it to be because they want me and they want to be with me, and everything in them tells them I'm the one. And I know thats not the case in this situation. Maybe I'm asking alot, but I want a guy who is excited by me. Who sees me as an aspiring graphic designer and is interested in my work even if it sometimes requires explanations. That can dive into my life as much as I dive into his. I want someone who will make me laugh, who is forgiving, and who is loving and gentle. I also had a few tough conversations with an old friend. About his choices in life. His use of drugs, and his choice of women, I know he went into this new relationship really wanting something new. And he was careful to pick the girl and he wanted something different for himself. And I see that he is trying to improve in many ways, but unfortunately this relationship didn't work out the way he expected and so he chooses to once again turn back to a rowdy life style. One which I have no desire to be a part of. And I applaud him for wanting to change and for examining the reasons why he does some of the things that he does. And I hope that he can pull himself out of his hole. His life has been a long and bumpy ride, and in many ways he has had successes but there are so many things he wants to do and wants to explore. And its as though his life and the people around him are keeping him jailed and keeping him from exploring those things. But we had one of our many heart to hearts and it's nice to have someone you can sit on the phone with and contemplate life and be able to say look you know your reasonings are complete bullshit and that your acting like a 5 year old and you need to grow up and get a life already, and they take absolutely no offense to it what so ever. They just say yeah in ways your probablly right, and I should look at how this is all affecting me. Now I know as well as anyone that you can't change people. That people can only change themselves. But I hope he does, I hope he find all the excitement and companionship that he's looking for, and I hope he turns to a cleaner lifestyle, one with less drama and less excitement. And as I repeatedly tell him there are sane girls out there. And one day he will find her in the least expecting place, but he needs to learn to embrace his loneliness instead of trying to kill it with destructing behavior. Me and him have had a strange relationship over the years, one that so many people dont' get and don't understand, but we really have been the go to person for so long, that I think both of us realize that sometimes our relationship starts to effect those around us, because others don't understand. And we make sexual jokes to each other and we tell each other that we love eachother, and its because we do. We both love that person that will pick up the phone and tell us exactly how it is, to remind us where we have been and where we are going, and why we are where we are at. It's nice to have the person thats is so completely nonjudgmental and can remind you of harder times that you have over come, and can remind you that there are unconditional friendships. The security of having that person even if it's 1200 miles away that you can call and scream at really loudly and yell WHY IS MY LIFE COMPLETE CRAP. And in an instance, they can say whatever kandi and you just laugh, even though there is nothing funny about that phrase. But whatever in every sense reminds me of how stupid I am sometimes. I want to jump off a building. Whatever kandi. I hate school, I hate life, and I am so completely bored, whatever kandi. It's that quick release of whatever you know its not that bad. And it just makes me laugh. I wish everyone had that person. In fact, I have had so many phone calls this week. Seriously I have talked to so many different people, and it's been nice to be back in touch with everyone. Amy made me laugh when she called and just completely crapped on me earlier and then laughed and said sorry I should have sent you a warning signal before you answered your phone. Which would be so awesome. If they could hit that little extra code that said Crisis situation. Or I'm bored and need to bullshit. And Shannon of course had me laughing because we always come up with the strangest ideas when were together. And we have some crazy memories. I really miss all of them and it's an understanding of why everyone gets so addicted to the Association. Because there is always something to look back and laugh about. I have a friend coming to visit this weekend. A friendship that is on the mend but as long as the ground rules stand, and he doesn't mind sleeping on a blow up mattress I think it should be a fun time. I could definitely use some bullshit time and a good movie or two. I am still very angry with everything that has gone on, and I am hoping the anger will pass. I am trying to look at the good in people and not hold on to hostility. I really loved my X, but he was right, there were times when I was very unhappy. and for the last few months I have felt ill and out of sorts with myself, and it's hard for people to deal with that. But alot of it was not feeling wanted, not feeling that I was important enough, and maybe thats my own issue that I need to look into why I need the other peoples approval. I don't know the answer to that. And honestly trying to transform a lover into a friend is not an easy task. Especially when your hurt and angry and feeling rejected, and he has already begun the process of replacing what you had together. And I know that people walk into your lives at the oddest moments and we can't control how we feel. But we can control how we treat others, and the level of respect we give to them. I think it's going to take alot of time. I want to let go of all this pain, and make sure that the love I had for him is put away, and that the love I give is of pure friendship. I don't want to deal with the past, I want it to heal, and I know thats not easy and I don't know if it will ever happen. I don't know if he will ever see me for who I truely was. And I don't know if I will ever be able to look at him the same again, but I'm going to try. slowly one step at a time. even if that requires taking a few steps back every now and again. Hopefully I've gotten some of these thoughts out of me and relieved the anxiety that was building up. It's a wait and see situation, life. And waiting is the hardest part.