How do you love someone after 2 days. I can't handle this. It is too much pain. I can't stand that someone else has taken my place. I want my friend back, and I can't have him because I'm too selfish to let go of my love, of my anger. Today was great, it felt normal, and then reality sank back in. I was reminded of everything I have lost. And I know that our relationship was destructive. We couldn't talk to each other. We stopped laughing, we stopped having fun. But I never stopped loving him. I have never admitted that he was the reason I moved here. But my mom is right, I was in love, I wanted to be near him. every other weekend wasn't enough. And being near him swayed my decision. And now I'm here and he's gone, and I decided that I would not leave, that I had started my life hear and I was determined to be happy. And every day something more goes wrong. It gets worse and worse, and I feel like I'm falling into this big hole, and I just want him to love me. How wrong is that. I want him to love me. I want things to be ok. I want us not to hate each other. I want him to look at me and see a future not a horrible past. I don't want him to cringe when I touch him. And I'm a complete mess, and I wasn't honest with him. I wasn't honest with him about my anxiety and my inability to argue, and deal, and my problems with shutting down, maybe if I had explained he would have known, he would have understood. If I hadn't joked about him leaving so I could clean my apartment maybe he would have stayed. But I couldn't ask him to live with me, I couldn't face that rejection, I couldn't face my boyfriend, my lover, my friend telling me he couldn't live with me. So I sent him away, two doors down from a new lover, a family, he never was comfortable with my family, and I wanted him so much to belong. I wanted him to be part of my life, and now he's gone, and I made so many mistakes, and he made so many mistakes. I want it all to go away, I want another chance. Every night I pray for another chance, but I think god stopped listening to me a long time ago. I just want to dissappear I want all this pain to sink away. I want to be happy. I don't know how to be happy. I don't know how to get my friend back, I hate being on the outside looking in, and I've lost three beautiful children in the process, and I wont be there for them, and I wanted to be there for them. I just want to SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!