Brain Freeze

So I have wasted a good three hrs rumbling over this idea in my head, not quite sure how to work it out. I can see it so clearly but getting it on the page is another story. I think it's hard when you have to start reflecting on yourself, and your asked to show people a certain side of yourself. How do you see your self. When you look in the mirror what is staring back at you. There are alot of changes going on in my life right now. I'm working on getting a second job. Finishing the semester, and the ever dueling task of trying to find myself. Which is scary enough. I'm still cycling through phases of anger and sadness over everything that happens. I feel stupid when I remind myself, that he is not worried about this at all, and has gotten over me and our whole situation. I wish I could walk through the door and close it so easy, but I like to reflect, and figure out what went wrong, but of course reflecting only makes me feel stupid, as though I'm being used. I kept thing this feeling of being used was complete paranoia, but as each day goes on I feel more and more secure that this is exactly what had happened. And I know that in every relationship there is a certain amount of using of one another. But I really feel taken advantage of. I thought that he loved me. I really thought that this was something that would work out. But I guess he was right, that we aren't meant to be together, I see now how truely unhappy he was and me too I was completely unhappy at times to. And it is a breathe of fresh air not to have to worry what he is doing, how he really feels, wether he's lying. I hate that feeling of lying next to someone wondering when there going to walk out the door, when it's all going to fall apart. I feel dumb for all the money I spent on him in the last couple of months, the birthday party, helping him out when he needed it. The driving back and forth to school because he car wasn't working. The believing that he wanted me and saw something in me. That there was a spark. The sex between us was and still is good. I think that after awhile you begin to know each others bodies. you know what the other one wants. But there is not that need that love, that feeling of security or comfort. It's like having sex with a friend and not knowing when you will see them again, which is fine if you can keep that state of mind, that it is just sex and the other person doesn't have any deeper feelings for you. I don't know maybe I'm just making excuses for our behavior. Maybe Im just thinking about to much, adults have needs, and I have no problem sleeping with him, as long as I know it's not my attempt to give him the only thing left that he wants. It's fine as long as I know neither of us are going to get hurt. And I definetly don't want his new interest getting hurt. I don't want to have the Karma of being the other women on my shoulders. What goes around comes around, and that is an experience I can do without. So I lay trust on him that they are truely just friends. I guess there is always going to be doubt especially when your trust in someone has been tainted. I guess one of the things that angered me the most was when I snapped at him and went off when I found out about her, and he threatened me. And its not even him threatening to hurt me that pissed me off (because as hateful as it was I know it was a shallow threat, not that that makes it ok.) it was the fact, that he never stood up for me like that. He never worried if I got hurt by the words or actions of others, he always made me fight my own battles, even when I was the innocent bystander. But he is quick to shelter her and keep her safe. And again I think I put way to much thought into this, and am trying to distract myself from what I should really be concentrating on which is this fucking painting thats stuck in my head, and writing this paper that has been sitting in the back of my mind since Friday. But I suppose I should retire to bed, I have to get to drawing class tomorrow, so I can finally start working on drawing the human face.. Yeah for me! Hope my scattered thoughts and ever changing feelings excite people.