Another lovely update.

So it's off to bed early tonight and off to work tomorrow, and then off to Minnesota for an exciting weekend. It will be nice to get away from everything and to get everything off my mind. Everytime he calls me I think to myself "how can you be so non chalante?" How can our history mean nothing to you. How can something causing me so much pain be so easy for someone else to just brush off? I guess thats life. I guess this becomes one more of my many mistakes. Another story for me to tell years from now when Mr. Right comes round. It is so weird to love someone and to know you have been rejected, and not just rejected but rejected for a younger girl, one with a less promising future, one who I don't know but can only make assumptions about. I only hope she can handle the turmoil better than I did. The uncertainty. I guess as much as I don't want to, I should try to look at this all as a blessing in disguise as though I have been let off of this giant hook that was suspending me in midair while I twirled aimlessly wondering wither or not I would fall to my death, or be saved. I try desperately now not to focus on the good times but to focus on the faults. Like my therapist said to me today. Exactly what were you getting out of this relationship? And was it really worth it. I spent two years years trying to trap and untrappable fish. And he's totally right, as much freedom as I tried to give him, I still kept him close by. I guess maybe thats one of those hazards of relationships, you always end up doing the opposite of what you meant. You always end up hurting when you meant to love, cheating when you intended to be faithful, lying when you meant to be honest. Leaving when you promised you would stay. Maybe next time around I will finally learn my lesson, but then again I'll probably find a new set of problems to trip over. But for now I look forward to a peaceful weekend with family, surrounded by people I love and who love me, and I look forwarding to mending a broken friendship. Although I don't know how that will go I am going to take it one step at a time and make sure that this time how I feel is completely evident, and that the understanding of friendship and the bottom line of what that entails is very clearly drawn. In fact an investment in a dictionary and learning how to clearly state meanings is a new goal of mine.