Ugh

I think the worst thing about having Cycothymic disorder is 

1.  No one has ever heard of it.  So it appear to be imaginary.
2.  One minute things can be perfect, roses blooming sun shining, and the next thing you know it's like freaking wonderland, your world is upside down, and you have a cloud of dread hanging over your head and you have no idea why.

Now since the people around you, have no idea what is wrong with you, or how to deal with it.  You often come across crazy or weird, and it's hard to be around someone who is so up and down all the time.  It is frustrating, embarrassing, and I get so tired of having to deal with it on a regular basis.  Most people would just call in crazy, wouldn't keep down a job, and their life would be one reckless event after another. 

But I made this strange vow to myself to live a life as normal as possible, to get up everyday and go to work, take care of myself, not do drugs, not be self destructive.  Sometimes I just want to give in to the insanity.  But that is not who I want to be, I don't want this to always define me. 

I want this to pass, and I wish I could do it without medication, I wish my desk wasn't riddled with numerous prescription bottles to make me happy, help me sleep, stabilize my mood, break my anxiety.  I wish I could just eat a piece of chocolate and have a cup of coffee and be easily amused without all these pills.  It sucks.  It just really truly sucks.