Still Trucking

So so far today I have watched Natural Born Killers, It's a good way to dispell anger, and packed up all of his clothes and things and cuddled with the cats, enjoying our last day with TV in the bedroom. I think they know something is wrong, they are refusing to leave my side and his cat islaying on top of me. I'm really going to miss her. But I think she is good for him and will give him that companionship he is looking for. I keep going over in my head why I can't just be friends with him. I've been friends with lots of people I've dated. And I think that it's because he never listened to what I was trying to tell him. That us becoming "friends" only adds to the feelings of being used that I was already having, and instead of addressing those and talking with me about it, he just ignored me and made it worse. Plus I don't think he has it in him to be just my friend. I felt like I kept making sacrifices and that I was constantly exploring new options and that wither he feels I had forever in mind or not. I still kept my eye on it, while trying to only concentrate on the future. I wanted to take things one day at a time to make sure we could grow. Too often people get wrapped up in the future and in the idea of marriage and they miss everything going on in front of them. They miss the best part of the relationship. Even back in August I kept closing my mind thinking he's going to leave in 12 months and I'll be alone and it really made me sad. And he's the one that told me don't think about it enjoy the time we have together. And then he tells me yesterday that he only has another year left and if were not going to be together in a year he would rather not waste what time he has left. Well what about all the time I wasted on him. For christ sakes I applied to go to UNL. Never in my right mind would I up and move to Nebraska with no motive. All the bullshit his ex wife had put me through. All the worrying and concern I put in over his kids. And it was all for nothing. Because I was just buying time until I could have someone else. Yeah I could see where he thought I was in love with another guy. But the guy lives 1200 miles away. And I made my decision to come to SD and not go to TN. and all though my entire decision to move here was not based on him, he was a part of it. I have passed on so many friendships, because they angered him. I turned away so many people. And this time I wasn't willing to let one go. Not because I was in love with him and waiting for a turn, but because he was my soul mate, he's the guy that understands where I've been and where I'm at. He's a friend and has been since I was 14. It's not easy to just let that one go. I don't get to go hang out with people because I learned my lesson that trying to hang out with other people would only cause major problems. But I never had a problem with him going out and having a good time, and yet I'm the one that was suffocating him. He doesn't want to have more kids. Well heres a new flash. I don't really want to have any kids. I can't figure out what the fuck I'm doing with my life, without having to worry about preparing someone for theres. He didn't like my negativity. Well maybe he should have tried to embrace my encouragement. My positive thoughts and suggestions instead of continuely knocking them out, and telling me how miserable he was how he would always be miserable and no one and nothing would make him happy. Try thinking positive instead of constantly responding with thats just the way it is and the way it has to be and I'm a man so Im automatically fucked. MY NEGATIVITY! The guy who I could never get to laugh. Who would just look at my like I was stupid if I was acting goofy. Or get pissed off if I tried to be playfull. I love how the whole relationship gets turned around and becomes my fault. And then when I give one last attempt to work on it he says. Yeah I just don't think it's worth it. So who's really the one who's giving up here. He throws this all in my face and expects me to be able to smile at him and say oh yes we are just friends. Well I've seen how he treats his "friends" and lowering myself to that level seems a bit like asking for a beating.