So I'm lying in bed watching Girl Interrupted. Had a pretty strong panick attack earlier that knocked me down. I realy hate that manic feeling followed by the down slope that comes with taking the pills. I couldn't and still haven't realy been able to figure out what it is that is causing me so much stress that I feel that I'm function at less than %100. My grandmother who I love dearly is slowly declining it's a matter of old age, and although I know that death is inevitable it is not something I am ready to deal with just yet. I try to call and visit with her and make sure that I send her cards to keep her chipper. But I wish that I was there with her. I really try to let her know what a wonderful person she is and how much I truely have enjoyed having her in my life. And even sitting here typing this I feel the tears starting to well up again. I know that my mother is under alot of stress dealing with work and dealing with my grandmother. I know that it is not easy taking on all of those responsiblities and at times I feel as though I ran out and left her there to handle it all on her own, and although she constantly reasurres me that she is proud of my decision and that it is not my responsiblity to help out, I still wish there was more that I could do to be more supportive. I lost my job, I was sick for several weeks and had gotten to a point where I just wasn't happy where I was working or more with the work I was doing and my lack of presence at work caused me to lose my job. So in reality it was my fault I should have gone wether I wanted to or not. I have gotten a new job which I have been training for all week. It is a job assisting people with developmental disabilities. I have been overwhelmed this week learning about all the new people I will be working with and learning there needs and personalities. It's like starting the first day of a new school and having to get the feel for everyone. I have been trying to take in all the new information and all my new surroundings, and I realy do hope that I can do a good job. I can't believe that spring break is almost over, and then it's back to school. Everything was kind of stalled that last week due to the weather so I do have some assignments I need to work on before I go back. I am realy proud of how I have been doing in pre Algebra. Math is something I have really struggled with my whole life and although I know it's a small step it really does feel like a big accomplishment and I'm am proud of myself for it. My personal life still stands where it has been and I am still dating the same person and although at times I question our relationship and where it will lead, I really just try and enjoy the time I have with him in the present. I know that we may go our seperate ways due to graduations and jobs and other life responsiblities and although we fight alot and get at eachothers throats, we have both worked and continue to work on ways we can communicate better. And when I take the negative with the positive this relationship has been a learning experience, and I will always cherish the friendship I have built and things we have taught each other, good and bad. I guess there is not much else going on, although now that I have typed this out I guess I can see better that there are some major changes taking place in my life so it's understandable that I would be feeling overwhelmed. I will try to start posting more, I definetly think it helps to get this all out in the open.
Kandi
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