The boiling point

I am pretty certain I am losing my mind.  I never realized having children would be so annoying, and it may be that I'm the "Girlfriend"  or whatever.  But sometimes I think they are zombies.  They do things that are complete irrational.  They turn the simplest task into a complicated problem, and they are constantly losing, breaking, or ruining there clothes, toys, ect....     

And they don't get it, if you try to tell them what they've done wrong, they flip out and start crying.  I have made chore lists, award boards.  I have a shelf full of crap that I have tried to bribe them with to earn for good behavior remember to bring there stuff home, ect.  But they continue to go through the day like their heads aren't screwed on.  I don't get where I am going wrong.  But I am at the boiling point, I feel like my head may literally explode if one more thing goes haywire.

This morning it was they both lost their Jackets,  brand new Jackets, that I can't afford to replace, but I also can't allow two kids to walk around in 30 degree weather without jackets on.   I asked one of them to feed the animals, next thing I know every piece of cat food is on the floor in the kitchen, and he's scooping it up with his hands, I tell him to get the broom, he get's the broom and in the process knocks a bunch of stuff on the floor.  He then start sweeping like he's never used a broom before, and procedes to trip over it, and drop the broom hitting me with it in the process.

I don't think my blood pressure can take one more wet towel, dirty clothes, half eaten stuffed animal, puppy pea, cat puke, bad grade, ect.....  It feels like it just keeps piling on and piling on.

The worst thing is I'm not even married to their dad, and he keeps saying he doesn't want to get married yet.  He doesn't know when he wants to get married, but he loves me.  In the mean time it's been 3 years, of taking care of his kids, paying half the bills on a house that isn't mine.  Sewing halloween costumes, running at the last minute to save the day when someone has an accident at school, gets sick, forgets something.  It's never ending Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, birthday party's, new clothes because their legs have grown three inches in their sleep.  Scraping together every last bit of my paycheck to get us all by.  and I don't even get to have a kid of my own, because we can't afford another one.  The boyfriend is still in school, he wants to wait until he graduates, which becomes longer every year, because he wants to go one step further.  Which I appreciate, and I want to support, but I feel like everyone's needs are being met but my own, and I want to just walk out the door.  

The idea that at any minute I could just walk out, and end all this madness with no strings attached, looms over my head.  I used to not think about it.  It used to never be an idea in my head.  But now it's there calling to me everyday.   I'm at a loss, and I just don't know what to do anymore.


Sometimes Life is just difficult, and the choices and decisions we face are hard to swallow.

To Kill a Mockingbird ~ Harper Lee

“I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin, but you begin anyway and see it through no matter what.
- Atticus Finch” 
― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird



“They're certainly entitled to think that, and they're entitled to full respect for their opinions... but before I can live with other folks I've got to live with myself. The one thing that doesn't abide by majority rule is a person's conscience.” 
― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird


“People generally see what they look for, and hear what they listen for.” 
― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

“When a child asks you something, answer him, for goodness sake. But don't make a production of it. Children are children, but they can spot an evasion faster than adults, and evasion simply muddles 'em.” 
― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

“You just hold your head high and keep those fists down. No matter what anybody says to you, don't you let 'em get your goat. Try fightin' with your head for a change.
-Atticus Finch ” 
― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

“Neighbors bring food with death and flowers with sickness and little things in between. Boo was our neighbor. He gave us two soap dolls, a broken watch and chain, a pair of good-luck pennies, and our lives. But neighbors give in return. We never put back into the tree what we took out of it: we had given him nothing, and it made me sad.” 
― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

“The one place where a man ought to get a square deal is in a courtroom, be he any color of the rainbow, but people have a way of carrying their resentments right into a jury box. As you grow older, you'll see white men cheat black men every day of your life, but let me tell you something and don't you forget it - whenever a white man does that to a black man, no matter who he is, how rich he is, or how fine a family he comes from, that white man is trash. ~Atticus Finch” 
― Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird

Compliments of goodreads.com

The Top 100 Banned/Challenged Books 2000-2009

This is a list of the top 100 Banned/Challenged Books 2000-20009.  This list is utterly ridiculous.  Since Sept. 30th starts the beginning of Banned Books Week.  I am going to be randomly be posting exerts from the books on this list.  I encourage everyone to pick a book, read it, give it to a friend and tell them to pay it forward.  Or leave it in the local coffee shop with a post it that says read me.  The ignorance in our society needs to be addressed.  The Freedom to read, The Freedom to think, and The Freedom to create need to be celebrated by everyone!.

I Know Why The Caged Bird Sings.

The free bird leaps

on the back of the wind

and floats downstream

till the current ends

and dips his wings

in the orange sun rays

and dares to claim the sky.

But a bird that stalks

down his narrow cage

can seldom see through

his bars of rage

his wings are clipped and

his feet are tied

so he opens his throat to sing.

The caged bird sings

with fearful trill

of the things unknown

but longed for still

and his tune is heard

on the distant hill for the caged bird

sings of freedom

The free bird thinks of another breeze

and the trade winds soft through the sighing trees

and the fat worms waiting on a dawn-bright lawn

and he names the sky his own.

But a caged bird stands on the grave of dreams

his shadow shouts on a nightmare scream

his wings are clipped and his feet are tied

so he opens his throat to sing

The caged bird sings

with a fearful trill

of things unknown

but longed for still

and his tune is heard

on the distant hill

for the caged bird

sings of freedom.

~Maya Angelou

My cute puppy

Relaxing on the couch watching Dawson's Creek and playing with Mario. I feel 17 again. The kids were driving me nuts tonight. Dragging their butts with homework and not listening as usual. I don't feel like I have the nerves for children. I always pictured myself as the fun mom who did crazy things and everyone thought was cool. I am soo not cool. I'm loud and uptight and often annoy even myself. I'm trying to adapt to my new life but three years in and I still feel like ripping out my hair when the door opens and closes and opens and closes. I long for silence and bleach has become my new best friend. Clearly I am having issues.

"people are strange"-marilyn manson and the doors

I think Jim just OD'd again.  What an insult to a legend,  clearly Marilyn Manson has issues singing anything that may stray from him infamous chords to "The Beautiful People"   You can drink a gallon of Vodka and get up on stage with the doors and pretend to be Jim.  Only Jim can be that fucked up and still pull off a performance.

Dave Navarro Suspending

I cannot imagine how this feels. The intensity of the pain and what would have to be going through his mind to be so peaceful with what is happening to him. It looks extremely painful, and yet he looks like he is in a state of relaxation. Definitely not something I would choose to experience for myself, but I am glad he got what he needed out of the experience.

Zebras!

Zebra Pals by ~strangerswithkandi on deviantART

I love taking pictures of animals!  I always have.  I had such a blast with these Zebras.  Very cool animals.

2012 US Olympic Men's Gymnastics Team | Tribute

Down Word Spiral

       Sitting here listening to music, trying to relax.  It never ceases to amaze me the amount of mental anguish, stress and physical pain can cause a person.  I really thought things were going well.  My blood pressure was steady, my stress was little to none.  My pain was manageable, and now everyday seems like a struggle.  I'm unhappy at work, I feel abused, I'm in pain, and the stress of the unknown is only adding to the struggle.  I realize this is a phase, and I am sure as much as I am down right now, that soon I will turn myself back around.  I just need to focus on being positive and making a path to my future.
      I have never been good at just letting things roll of my shoulders.  But I am starting to realize that these things that stress me out, that make me miserable, are not worth sacrificing my happiness, so i just need to let them go.

Blog Craziness

These blogs are getting out of hand.  But I feel attached to them because I have had them for so long.  I don't dare delete one of them.  I finally linked this one to my google+ profile and deleted the one from back in my poetry days, when I was angry and felt the need to be heard.  Still have the diet blog, although I don't think anyone is using it, and my dieting attempts are well pathetic.  Lose 20lbs gain 5 it's gets so old, and I stay fat and frustrated.  Anyways, will still try to occasionally plug away at these.  Although with facebook, google+, twitter, and both blog hosting sites, I start to feel all typed out.  For those of you who keep checking out my page, I appreciate it.