News Flash by Dusty

The wasps are attacking the house!  We fight!  We win the fight!

~Dusty

My Foot

I waited one year and four months.  I was so nervous when we arrived at the hospital but my friend was there, holding my hand. Dustin was there, holding my hand. As I began to get nervous,  they gave me medicine, they drew a lot of blood from my neck, and then they wheeled me down the hallways.  They took me into OR 3 I moved onto an operating table, and then I woke up with Theresa by my side.

I cannot walk, and yet I have this amazing friend, who has been by my side, every single day.  She awake in the middle of the night to take me to the bathroom. She changes my pants and makes me dinner.  She takes care of my children!  I could not begin to explain how grateful I am to have her as a friend.  I feel so lucky and so safe, and so taken care of.

Lost Entry.

I found this today in the back of a college notebook, that had not be opened for years.


When he left she felt as though she had died inside.
One last kiss and a quick goodbye.
She knew as she boarded the plane that her life would never be the same.
She convinced herself she could go on like before, but each day her emptiness grew.
Every touch from a man brings back her pain.
The paranoia sets in and gets worse everyday.
You can feed her all the pills in the world, but they can't fill the hole that continues to grow.
~Kandi

The Yellow Wallpaper

The yellow wallpaper by  Charlotte Perkins Gilman

Theresa has been hounding me to read this story.  She kept telling me I'd understand when I was done.  She was right, I understood.  I understood what I had been missing as a writer myself, I realized that my direction was all wrong, and that I was spending too much time trying to hide my thoughts instead of just putting the crazy out there for everyone to analyze.  This story moved me, and it opened my eyes, and gave me the immediate sense of need to starting writing anything,  like I too was trapped behind that dreaded wallpaper and needed to start tearing away at the layers.  I loved it, and wish I had read it sooner.  It's a free Kindle download so you don't even have to leave the house just click a button and enjoy!

http://amzn.com/B0082UPBWC

Fantastically Spastic.....

I do not think I can wait until Dec.  I cannot cannot cannot.   I find myself looking at the same bridal gowns over and over and over again thinking I will some how change my mind.  I put down the deposit on the venue.  I have gathered the decorations and made a list and contacted the person we need to rent everything from.  I have my maid of honor and flower girl, and dresses picked out for all three of us.  I have narrowed down the rings and the food.  The save the dates are arriving on Monday and the mailing list is made.  The cake is picked out with the cake topper.  I'm going to get very bored come February and start making excuses to change things.

This time feels so much different.  It feels right, and grown up.  Like I made the decision because this is what is best for me and not because I felt pressured or was running from anything,  I don't feel the need to please everyone, and the only person who has had anything negative to say about any of it is my brother, and he can go fuck himself for all I care.  He's my brother, I love him, but he is very judgmental and a major Debbie Downer.

As of now, this is the dress, maybe with a red sash.

 

My Favorite Photograph

This is a beautiful photograph I took while at the Omaha Zoo it is one of my favorites and I now have it available for sale on Zazzle!

Gorilla in Thought by strangekandidesigns
Browse other Gorilla Canvas Prints

Who's Getting Married?

This Girl!

I cannot begin to tell you how ecstatic we are!  

Dec. 21, 2013.

Every relationship has it's ups and downs, but the more we push forward, the stronger we become.  We continue to grow as a couple and a family each and every day, and cannot wait to spend the rest of our lives, picking on and bitching about each other!

You can follow the excitement here, or on my Pinterest Page.

I came across this today.

From one of my favorite Authors of all time!

Excerpt –

'This famous wicked little tale

Should never have been put on sale

It is a mystery to me

Why loving parents cannot see

That this is actually a book

About a brazen little crook...'

'...Now just imagine how you'd feel

If you had cooked a lovely meal,

Delicious porridge, steaming hot,

Fresh coffee in the coffee pot,

With maybe toast and marmalade,

The table beautifully laid,

One place for you and one for dad,

Another for your little lad.

Then dad cries, 'Golly–gosh! Gee whizz!

'Oh cripes! How hot this porridge is!

'Let's take a walk along the street

'Until it's cool enough to eat.'

He adds, 'An early morning stroll

'Is good for people on the whole.

'It makes your appetite improve

'It also helps your bowels move.'

No proper wife would dare to question

Such a sensible suggestion,

Above all not at breakfast–time

When men are seldom at their prime.

No sooner are you down the road

Than Goldilocks, that little toad

That nosey thieving little louse,

Comes sneaking in your empty house....'

'...(Here comes the next catastrophe.)

Most educated people choose

To rid themselves of socks and shoes

Before they clamber into bed.

But Goldie didn't give a shred.

Her filthy shoes were thick with grime,

And mud and mush and slush and slime.

Worse still, upon the heel of one

Was something that a dog had done.

I say once more, what would you think

If all this horrid dirt and stink

Was smeared upon your eiderdown

By this revolting little clown?

(The famous story has no clues

To show the girl removed her shoes.)

Oh, what a tale of crime on crime!

Let's check it for a second time.

Crime One, the prosecution's case:

She breaks and enters someone's place.

Crime Two, the prosecutor notes:

She steals a bowl of porridge oats.

Crime Three: She breaks a precious chair

Belonging to the Baby Bear.

Crime Four: She smears each spotless sheet

With filthy messes from her feet.

A judge would say without a blink,

'Ten years hard labour in the clink!'

But in the book, as you will see,

The little beast gets off scot–free,

While tiny children near and far

Shout 'Goody–good! Hooray! Hurrah!'

'Poor darling Goldilocks!' they say,

'Thank goodness that she got away!'

Myself, I think I'd rather send

Young Goldie to a sticky end.

'Oh daddy!' cried the Baby Bear,

'My porridge gone! It isn't fair!'

'Then go upstairs,' the Big Bear said,

'Your porridge is upon the bed.

'But as it's inside mademoiselle,

'You'll have to eat her up as well.' 

Roald Dahl

Zulilly

I love this store.  They have the cutest stuff, and a lot of it is extremely reasonably priced.  I did almost all of my Christmas Shopping through them, and spent next to nothing.  I am super excited because I just scored a new Sewing Machine for Christmas, wich was from a referral credit.  Please check them out, use my referral link, you will not regret it!

                                   http://www.zulily.com/invite/kkirk322

Ugh

I think the worst thing about having Cycothymic disorder is 

1.  No one has ever heard of it.  So it appear to be imaginary.
2.  One minute things can be perfect, roses blooming sun shining, and the next thing you know it's like freaking wonderland, your world is upside down, and you have a cloud of dread hanging over your head and you have no idea why.

Now since the people around you, have no idea what is wrong with you, or how to deal with it.  You often come across crazy or weird, and it's hard to be around someone who is so up and down all the time.  It is frustrating, embarrassing, and I get so tired of having to deal with it on a regular basis.  Most people would just call in crazy, wouldn't keep down a job, and their life would be one reckless event after another. 

But I made this strange vow to myself to live a life as normal as possible, to get up everyday and go to work, take care of myself, not do drugs, not be self destructive.  Sometimes I just want to give in to the insanity.  But that is not who I want to be, I don't want this to always define me. 

I want this to pass, and I wish I could do it without medication, I wish my desk wasn't riddled with numerous prescription bottles to make me happy, help me sleep, stabilize my mood, break my anxiety.  I wish I could just eat a piece of chocolate and have a cup of coffee and be easily amused without all these pills.  It sucks.  It just really truly sucks.

The boiling point

I am pretty certain I am losing my mind.  I never realized having children would be so annoying, and it may be that I'm the "Girlfriend"  or whatever.  But sometimes I think they are zombies.  They do things that are complete irrational.  They turn the simplest task into a complicated problem, and they are constantly losing, breaking, or ruining there clothes, toys, ect....     

And they don't get it, if you try to tell them what they've done wrong, they flip out and start crying.  I have made chore lists, award boards.  I have a shelf full of crap that I have tried to bribe them with to earn for good behavior remember to bring there stuff home, ect.  But they continue to go through the day like their heads aren't screwed on.  I don't get where I am going wrong.  But I am at the boiling point, I feel like my head may literally explode if one more thing goes haywire.

This morning it was they both lost their Jackets,  brand new Jackets, that I can't afford to replace, but I also can't allow two kids to walk around in 30 degree weather without jackets on.   I asked one of them to feed the animals, next thing I know every piece of cat food is on the floor in the kitchen, and he's scooping it up with his hands, I tell him to get the broom, he get's the broom and in the process knocks a bunch of stuff on the floor.  He then start sweeping like he's never used a broom before, and procedes to trip over it, and drop the broom hitting me with it in the process.

I don't think my blood pressure can take one more wet towel, dirty clothes, half eaten stuffed animal, puppy pea, cat puke, bad grade, ect.....  It feels like it just keeps piling on and piling on.

The worst thing is I'm not even married to their dad, and he keeps saying he doesn't want to get married yet.  He doesn't know when he wants to get married, but he loves me.  In the mean time it's been 3 years, of taking care of his kids, paying half the bills on a house that isn't mine.  Sewing halloween costumes, running at the last minute to save the day when someone has an accident at school, gets sick, forgets something.  It's never ending Girl Scouts, Boy Scouts, birthday party's, new clothes because their legs have grown three inches in their sleep.  Scraping together every last bit of my paycheck to get us all by.  and I don't even get to have a kid of my own, because we can't afford another one.  The boyfriend is still in school, he wants to wait until he graduates, which becomes longer every year, because he wants to go one step further.  Which I appreciate, and I want to support, but I feel like everyone's needs are being met but my own, and I want to just walk out the door.  

The idea that at any minute I could just walk out, and end all this madness with no strings attached, looms over my head.  I used to not think about it.  It used to never be an idea in my head.  But now it's there calling to me everyday.   I'm at a loss, and I just don't know what to do anymore.


Sometimes Life is just difficult, and the choices and decisions we face are hard to swallow.