Tuesday, December 19, 2006

Today has been one of those days.

This morning I woke up and it was bad, I got into a fight with my man, and it was ugly. The usually yelling and snapping back and forth. All because we were tired and had just woken up. Then I had to go to work and I have come to hate my job, realy realy hate my job. And I don't want to hate my job. I want to be able to go into work and enjoy my job. To sit and gossip with my coworkers and be thankful that I have a good paying job with nice benefits. And the thing is I can't figure out why I hate my job, I have been there a year. I didn't use to hate my job. And it makes me feel selfish that I hate a job when there are so many people who don't have good jobs. I can't wait until this weekend. I want to see my mom so bad and my grandma and my step dad, and I want to watch the muppets and act like a kid all because I can. It's the joy of Christmas. Plus by the time I got off work tonight, I hadn't eaten, or taken my medication, I felt like throwing up, my head was light, and all I wanted to do was cry because the day was so shitty. And now I am eating potatoe chips and pizza which is so not healthy, but it tastes so good.... Anyways I'm sure I will write more later, and I think tonight I will definetly be venting to my diary, because somethings just don't need to be spread all over the internet.

Saturday, December 09, 2006

Blue October

Blue October has been added to my list of favorite bands, so they can join the ranks of The Cranberries, The Doors, Type O Negative, Mad Season, and the list just goes on and on. I''m sure everyone has heard the single Hate Me on the radio which is was drew me to investigate the band further, and now I am in love. So check out their profile on VH1. Wow it's a good thing I don't write band reviews for a living. I would definetly have to step it up a bit.

Blue October

Friday, November 17, 2006

Life.

So my one loyal fan will probablly not be reading my blog for quite sometime, because she's had a stroke. That is right Theresa my bestfriend, my sister, my soul mate, the keeper of half of my brain, had a stroke, and in the process destroyed part of my brain, I mean what kind of shit is that, then when I talked to her she had the nerve to ask if she could borrow the other half, like I'm going to fall for that one. But no seriously Theresa is doing quite well under the circumstances, I was scared shitless, and I mean serious. It truely made me stop in my tracks. I get up every morning and I go to class and I go to work and I come home and play with my cats, if I get lucky I may get laid once in awhile (no pun intended) other than that my life is pretty uneventful. I'm in art school because I figured I might as well do it now well I have nothing else going on, because it was the one thing I always said I was going to do. Well other than be a band director and a Vegas show girl, but hey this one was reachable. Well so was being a band director but people are allowed to change their minds. The point is. Theresa does the same thing as me everyday, only on top of everything else she has two kids to take care of. We are the same age, the same height, we have the same color hair, we laugh at the same laim jokes, and one day last week she went to the doctor, because her arm hurt and next thing you know she's had a stroke and they don't know when she'll be able to take care of herself again, and oddly enough she's the one keeping me up beat. It realy should be the other way around. Theresa has always accused me of being the strong one, but she is the one that will brush off death and walk through fire without a second thought. She always comes out swinging and always ends up on top, and thats the reason I love her so much. So everyone think happy thoughts for my dear friend because I love her madly and need her desperately to heal. Yes I am that selfish. But I am sending her a t-shirt I found that says Found: 1 eye, 3 legs, no tale, goes by the name lucky. She'll love it for sure!

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Hey people I'm alive.

Wow... Everyone must find it exciting that I haven't written anything in a really long time. Anyways I miss my friends, Theresa my one arm wonder, and Amy the braniac bride, and miss Shanno Banano who I don't think actually reads this. Anyways I had a break down last week, thank you to all of those you listened to me weeping endlessly into my cell phone, I love you all. I think it was the breaking point. Because this week I feel fine, once again I have managed to gain some sort of persepctive into my life and whatever. And am no longer trying to convince myself, but to strongly point out that I am making the right choices. And that my mother is right, I can quit or walk away and switch schools, majors, life goals, whenever I feel like it. None of us are bound to our positions in this world. I don't know at what point life got complicated. At what point the otherside of the world seemed so far away. I do wish I was a bit closer to Virginia, but being closer to Virginia would put me closer to Tennessee, which would inevitable get me into a heep of trouble. And although I would love to be far far away from the snow, I would miss my Yankee friends dearly.... I'm sure I will write more later. I haven't updated my poetry blog, I have lots of unfinished short stories but I may post some poems from some of my favorite people, school will be out in a couple of weeks and I am sure I will find time to crawl under a blanket with my cat and my mac and type out some crazy thoughts.

Friday, October 27, 2006

This is so true.....

My Horoscope for today!

Being smart is one thing, but you've got the ability to transcend mere intelligence. You absorb information and make connections that seem obvious once you point them out. Share your gifts with the world.

Thursday, October 19, 2006

Blah Blah Studying...

I hate that I have been studying and studying and yet can't seem to retain any of the information for my test tomorrow. Show me a piece of art I can tell you why I like it or not, but I can't tell you that Davinci' used a pencil that was manufactored by a machine built by Benjamin Franklin made with lead provided by the same tree that held the apples that fell on what's his names head and before being used to draw that exact drawing was actually chewed on by Michaelangelo who then lent Davinci the pencil to sign a note he was writing to his lover, but Davinci subconciously stole the pencil. I'm sorry I'm just not that good. Why I decided being an Artist would be fun I have no idea. I just want to go get a job in my field of work, and work there. I don't want all this extra crap that goes with it. Work and School and Bills and Responsiblity, I feel like I have no life, all my friends live realy far away and I have no one to share any of this with. I guess if I had someone to sit around and kiss my ass and tell me my crappy drawings were good, maybe I would feel encouraged but in reality. My drawing teacher is the only person that looks at my sketch book, and I guess I realized that they aren't very good anyways and they will inevitably end up in a box of dust sitting in a garage somewhere forgotten. Oh well. I can say I seem to be improving somewhat and I have determined that my favorite medium to use is Conte as opposed to Charcoal. But again this rant was pointless and I must go back to studying this break was nice though... Maybe I will have something more interesting to say.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

I love Maya!

“I do not trust people who don't love themselves and yet tell me, 'I love you.' There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.”


Maya Angelou

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

And the rant continues...

I am sick of being single, and I seriously don't think there is one person out there for me. Why can't I find someone who is not a complete asshole, or who is willing to use me as long as they don't have to invest anything into the relationship. And why is it when relationships go bad, it is always the guy trying to convince us that we fucked up. That we are the crazy ones, that somewhere between our sanity and there inability to love, we caused every single problem that brought destruction to the relationship. Well news flash, we maybe emotional, but you guys are just as if not more fucked up than us. At least we are willing to admit were fucked up. And what has become of this world. When did people just start taking advantage of eachother and not giving a fuck. When did stepping all over people become a favorite and acceptable past time. And why is it that I feel like I have been transported back to middle school, where I just don't get it and feel constantly annoyed. Why can't people stop acting like 12 year olds. But then when I stop and think about it, when I'm with my realy good friends (Theresa, Amy) I act like a kid sometimes. But not all the times, yeah I will do goofy shit and laugh and carry on, but I don't swarm in a pool of drama day in and day out, sucking in everyone around me like the god damn lockness monster. I have a feeling that this rant will go on for days and days. But for now I will let it go, on a side note. I was extremely worried about Amy who landed in Honolulu yesterday, but I am glad to hear that she is very safe, they were without electricty but they were safe and that makes me feel good. Well good bye for now. I hope my one woman audience enjoyed this lovely rant....

Saturday, October 14, 2006

The beginings of a rant.

So I am waiting on my clothes to dry before I head back to SD. On a side note Theresa I had a dream about you last night, we were in High School and causing a lot of trouble. Maybe I was just reminising in my sleep, who knows. Anyways, it has been a long weekend and I am glad to be heading back to my apt. I feel like I am at the point that I am almost emotionally drained. Reflecting on love and marriage and current and past relationships. The true meaning of friendship. And the hardest one of all assessing how you treat yourself, and allow others to treat you. Sometimes I think we allow others to violate us in ways we would normally consider disrepectful to our minds and bodies. But because of the feelings we have for the person, we make exceptions. As though we believe that they are more worthy than even ourselves. That because of the way they make us feel for an hr out of the week, they deserve leniency. We makes excuses to make exceptions. Breaking these patterns are the hardest to do. It's like chiseling away from a puzzle that has been glued together in hopes of retaining the value of the picture. Sometimes the pieces pull away simply, and sometimes they tear and pull, ripping at the finished product and leaving nothing left for others to enjoy. Of course as you can see my pessimistic side is shining through bright, I like to believe that love has that affect on me. But I am sure I will write more later. But until then well, you will just have to wait.

Feelings for the day...

"Some people never say the words 'I love you'. It's not their style to be so bold. Some people never say those words: 'I love you' But, like a child, they're longing to be told."

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

I'm such an idiot.

So I have seen the Movie Mystic Pizza about a million times, it is still by far one of my favorite movies. Lame I know. But of all the times that I have seen it not until now have I ever realized that Matt Damon played Charles little brother. But there you have it, even in 1988 he was a hottie.

This is an amazing photograph!

I love it...

917Author Popularity 8/10 Thelonious Monk was born on October 11, 1917
(American jazz pianist and composer, 1917-1982)
I Like this quote I dislike this quote"Sometimes it's to your advantage for people to think you're crazy"

Monday, October 09, 2006

This is so disguisting.I

I honestly don't know how you can look like this and not get up in the morning and think, hmm I should eat a cracker. This cannot possible be healthy.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Ode to my Toaster.


After 10 long years, 2 countries, and 4 states, this morning I was forced to put my toaster to rest. His death was short and painless, he popped one last time and up with my toast came blue flames and a few sparks, sort of a fireworks show to say his last goodbye. He still may work, but at last I love my apartment more than I did my toaster, and I replaced him this afternoon. So rest well my friend you were a good appliance, you sat with me many a morning over many cups of teas, and although you will not be missed and you have already been replaced, I will always remember you as my first! Heres to you!

Monday, October 02, 2006

Thank You for the Unsolicitated Advise.

OK thanks you too Nimwads for giving me advice even after I asked you not too. I am feeling so much better now, I was seriously trying to vent and just get it out of my head so I can think straight. It's hard getting wrapped up in other peoples lives, and thats what happens when you have friends. I am procrastinating at the moment. I have a drawing I need to get done, and I realy hate drawing class, well I don't realy hate the class as much as feel awkward in the class, because when I am trying to draw I feel like I completely slip into my own shell and everything around me is disruptive and annoying. Not to mention today it was hot as fuck and I seriously felt like I was going to pass out, and I get annoyed when what I see is completely different then what other people see, yet I'm expected to draw the exact same thing. And then the teacher says your drawing looks very chaotic. Yeah no shit Im feeling very chaotic in fact I'm feeling a bit homicidal, it's hot, I'm sweating, I'm tired, and I can't think straight because my mind is blanking out. But that is life I suppose, now I am sitting in my apt which desperately needs to be cleaned. It was definetly a long weekend, I did manage to get my dress from the briday shop and thanks to Roger's mom will be having it altered so my ladies don't make and appearance during the ceremony. My panick attack thank god did not last past my last post, but I am still thinking through the whole situation. And no it's not just the other person, it's me and how I treat the other person, and how I treat the situation. It's not fair to him and more than it's fair to me. But we talked and were moving forward and hopefully things will improve. But I must get back to my homework soo woo hoo.

Saturday, September 30, 2006

Venting so loud the walls are caving in.

So I stand here at another crossroad and I look back at my past and wonder if I am making the same mistake again. I spent 4 years with a guy who lied to me about everything down to what he ate for lunch. And I find myself in a situation where I don't know if an important male in my life is telling the truth or lying. Is what he says and does true or is every thing I see a work of fiction. I aks myself can I just be friends with this person? Do I allow my other friends to treat me this way? To disregard my feelings and my thoughts in the way that he does? Or am I at fault for subjecting myself to these situations. Have a walked back in to the same situation I was forced out of 3 years ago or am I just paranoid and reliving my poisoned past? Do I walk away and live with the question that maybe I was over analyzing everything? Or do I walk away trusting my gut instinct and be able to say I didn't let him play me the fool? Because thats what I feel like a big fucking fool. I turn around and people I don't even know are telling me about situations involving him and other girls that I was completely unaware of that he himself had assured me had never taken place. Am I back in Germany? Am I being tested? Is this the ultimate test, that I should trust my friend and what he says or do I run and keep myself from feeling all of this pain again, and how do I believe him? I mean truely believe him and everything he tells me, and how do I let go of the past and realize that we are just friends and that he doesn't owe me explanations for what he has done, and if I get to the point that I can let go of the past and everything in it, will he? Will he let go of my past? Because he hasn't, I am still punished for things that happened before I ever knew he existed. I'm just ranting, I'm angry and confused and I don't want advice or replies. I don't want people to tell me what an asshole he is just to make me feel better. These are just my thoughts as they are, and I have to sort through them and figure out how to move on to what is truely important in my life.

Friday, September 29, 2006

Myspace

I love myspace, I woke up this morning and a very old friend had left me a message and then I had to jump up and down a bit. I just love being reconnected with the happy parts of my past.

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Saturday, September 16, 2006

I Love My Mom.

I honestly love the fact that I can call my mother in the middle of a football game and yell "What The Fuck Are They Doing?" and she responds with I don't know but they were kicking the shit out of them and now this. Followed by I wonder if your brother is the game today. I miss TN, I miss football, I miss wearing orange every weekend, and I miss season tickets even if I only got to use my ticket once. Thats ok because I got to use all of the basketball tickets including the NCAA Finals. Oh well. TN is still my team baby..

Starbucks take on my life.

So I truely love Starbucks, I feel that it is the equivilant to heroine seeping through my veins each morning. My recent addiction, Pumpkin Spice Latte. mmmm mm good. But besides the addicting flavor I realy enjoy their little spurts of Wisdom they have plastered on the back of the cup. Some times this wisdon is just plain stupid and sometimes like today it is just what I need to remind me what reality is all about. Plus this morning it just fit what I have been going through, not just lately but perpetually throughout my life. So here it is Starbucks tip #160 The Way I See It.

Sixty-nine percent of all problems in relationships are unsolvable. They are about differences in personality or needs. They never change. When you choose someone, you have inherited the problems you will have for the next 50 years. Unfortunately, we pick people who are not as perfect as we are, so relationships work if you have wound up with perpetual problems you can learn to live with.
~Dr. John Gottman

Friday, September 15, 2006

It's That Time Again!

http://www.capitalonebowl.com/Default.aspx

The capitalonebowl Mascott challenge. and I expect full support for Mr. TN himself Smokey The Dog. So everyone remember to go vote everyday to show the world who the best blue tick hound realy is!

You've got to be kidding me.

OK my little cousin just e-mailed me a link to a website that is supporting his schools fundraiser so that you can go directly online and order items from the students. He's 6 years old. I remember trudging up and down the streets of New Orleans selling candy bars for a $1.00 door to door. Or selling oranges when I lived in TN. That shit was hard work, where was the internet when we needed people...

Rocky Top Baby!

The University of TN offers a Master of Fine Art in Graphic Design. As well as the BFA and all that other bull shit. My dreams of being a volunteer may not be dead after all!

Friday, September 01, 2006

So I survived the first three days of school and honestly it was not as bad as I thought it would be. I am sure towards the end I will be burned out from being on campus everyday of the week but I will just have to adjust. I did receive a beautiful wedding invitation in the mail yesterday and I am so stoked. Plus I get to be fitted for my dress on sunday, I'm bringing duct tape just in case. Poseidon is sitting on my arms at the moment try to love me up which is totally cool because he is the best furry little person I know. Anyways I must get ready and run to class. Oh yeah and I went and applied to work on The Volante I have to turn in some copies of work that I've done and then we will see. But that should be totally exciting!

Friday, August 25, 2006

monkey monkey monkey!

What is better than a little vibrating monkey, that wiggles and giggles, it's the best gift ever and if his name wasn't already George, I would name him James!

monkey monkey monkey!

What is better than a little vibrating monkey, that wiggles and giggles, it's the best gift ever and if his name wasn't already George, I would name him James!

Wednesday, August 23, 2006

LaLalalala

I think I have a sign that says "Crazy people talk to me please." It was another one of those days at work. But then I come home and get molested by a cat, and thats cool because he's a big fuzzy cat and I love him. Oh it's good to be loved. Now I must watch reruns and take over the world as I wait for my pot pie to finish burning. Life is good...

Nonesense

OK so I was sick all day yesterday, and I'm not sure why but I am totally blaming James for trying to poison me. I wrote a poem about spaghetti and getting stuck to the bottom of a shoe it came out a little cliche as though I had been listening to too much Jewel. I haven't posted it yet, but I'll work on it and then stick it on the other blog, since i know it's been awhile and all my imaginary fans are wondering when I will come up with something new. As for listening to too much Jewel well my ipod is broke and I can't turn the wheel so the only artist I can listen to is Jewel, ironic I suppose. I have resorted to listening to the radio. Classes start on tuesday and I'm excited. I hope I can meet some interesting people or my life is going to get very boring and very lonely very fast. Other than that. I'm working on being a good friend, and being accepting, and loving myself and as cheesey as that sounds. I think it's important not to downgrade yourself because you feel rejected or some how beneath another person for whatever reasons. It's important to recognize that your talents and beauty are just as important as everyone elses and that you should never sell yourself short. Now if only I could get myself to swallow all this bull shit I would be doing fabulous. But I don't think it realy matters anyways, and thats life. And all you can do is saddle up and move on. Well it's off to work. Peace.

Friday, August 18, 2006

And my senses kick back in.......

I just read my last post, and I'm going to go with I was just talking out of my ass. Because as I read it I remembered why I am single, why I have been single for most of my life, and what it is about relationships I completely despise. I see no sense in destroying my heart after finally getting it glued back together again..... And the pessimist in me is back.. yeah baby, life is good again!

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Can't think of an interesting title

So I started to update this morning, but couldn't think of anything interesting to write down. But apparently sitting at Burger King has jogged my brain. I guess I'm just weird like that. So grandma is doing fine and she is in a nursing home until she is 100% better, but I have faith she will be home soon. It's very strange how in times of stress you find yourself searching for comfort or for a companion. I think it's the feeling completely hopeless or helpless and need the comfort of knowing there is someone else there to lean on. I have been single for longer than I can remember, and Im not counting the few occaisonal moments where a relationship has been touched upon. But for the last few days I have been feeling that companionship is not such a bad thing to want. And I don't want the white dress and wedding wring. the 2.5 children, I don't want a leash around my neck or a tattoo that says taken written across my forehead. But I want someone to who cares about me, and I want someone I can care about back. I want that feeling when you look at that person and think you are a complete jack ass but I love you anyways and they look at you and think you are one moody bitch but I think I'll keep you. Schools starting soon and the seasons will be changing again, and I just think that it's time for a change. Now I'm not saying I'm proactively stalking people on a hit list, but I'm opening my eyes and for once allowing the possiblity to be there. And maybe this is just me talking out of my ass but as my father so nicely reminded me the other day it has been 3 years since my husband went away, and I'm not getting any younger, and life is so much more fun when your sharing it with a friend or a lover, and sometimes the nights are easier when you have that person you can look at while you hanging upside down on the bed and say hey I think I need ice cream, and they look at you in your monkey pajamas or boxer and tank top and think I have truely attached myself to the weirdest person on the planet. I need fun, I need love, and I think I have earned them. So hears to hoping!

Sunday, August 13, 2006

An emotional update

Do you know what it feels like when all you want to do is cry, but you can't and it feels like youre eyes are going to pop right out of youre head.
What it feels like to look at your grandma and have her tell you to go away, that you are plotting evil things behind her back. That you don't care about what she thinks or feels. To just want to be able to sit with her but sitting there only makes her angry and you know that you have to leave tomorrow and you don't know when you will see her again. And you can only hope that she makes until then. To just want to scream so loud because you are so angry and so hurt and in so much pain, and you don't know what to do or say and you just want someone to put there arms around you and tell you that everything will be ok. And the one person that will do that despite not knowing what to say to comfort you is a hundred plus miles away, and it's not realy his job to make you feel better anyways. To just want the entire situation to blow over like a bad dream. To be able to return home to your mediocre life and pretend none of this happened. To want to talk to your mom but have nothing to say because the situation is too much to bare. Thats about the story of my life and I just needed to get it out, and this hasn't realy done it justice but it has eased a little of the tension. Hopefully I will feel better later.

Monday, August 07, 2006

New Music and it's fabulous!

I was reading an article about this artist and then I went and checked out her myspace page, and I fell in love I absolutely love her music.


http://jaymaymusic.com/index.php

here are the lyrics to my favorite song so far....

Gray Or Blue

i feel so helpless now, my guitar is not around
and im strugglin w/ the xylophone to make these feelins sound
and im rememberin you singin and bringin you to life
it's rainin out the window and today it looks like night

you havent written to me in a week im wonderin why that is
are you too nervous to be lovers-- friendships ruined with just one kiss
i watched you very closely i saw you look away
your eyes are either gray or blue im never close enough to say

but your sweatshirt says it all with the hood over your face
i cant keep starin at your mouth without wonderin how it tastes
im with another boy (he's asleep, im wide awake )
and he tried to win my heart, but its taken . . . . . time

i know the shape of your hands because i watch em when you talk
and i know the shape of your body cause i watch it when you walk
and i want to know it all but im giving you the lead . . . . .. . .. .
so go on, go on and take it, dont fake it, shake it

(charmin//crazy eyes have u/r they gray or blue/i wont make the move/u must make the move/if u make the move/i will then approve/if u do not move/we will surely lose)

dont second guess your feelins you were right form the start
and i notice she's your lover, but shes nowhere near your heart
this city is for strangers, like the sky is for the stars
but i think its very dangerous if we do not take whats ours

and im winnin you with words because i have no other way
i want to look into your face without your eyes turnin away
last night i watched you sing because a person has to try
and i walked home in the rain because a person can not lie

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Today was much better.

So today was much better than yesterday, although training is terrible boring. I can't wait for school to start, I just keep thinking that I will meet some new friends and I'll have people to spend time with, if I can ever manage to work it into my schedule. Good friends the kind that feed your soul. Not that all my friends don't do that already but you guys live so far away, and I miss you so dearly at times. But I can tell fall will be here soon and the seasons are changing as is everything in my life. It's scary but I can only hope that the change will bring forth a positive experience. But right now I'm chillin at home watching the Gilmore Girls and eating walmart deli food which I went out of my way to get to say hey to a friend I haven't seen much of lately. But at last they weren't their. I should have made a frozen pizza. Oh well. I will write more later.

Monday, July 24, 2006

So I've been completely stressing myself out all day. I am realy wishing I had gone into the repair project. No one said training would be 5 weeks long and now their saying that their not going to pay us our weekly bonus all through training like they were suppose to. They are only willing to give it to us for two weeks. Now for two weeks thats $200.00. So Thats $300.00 I'm getting screwed out of. Plus The supervisor was like put her on the phone and I was fine with that I was just talking to people, and the other person was working the computer system and I just assumed everyone else in training was doing the same thing but apparently I was the only one. No big deal. But it's realy stressful talking to people for the first time when you don't realy know what the fuck your suppose to say to them. Not to mention the building is like -10 below and its 80 degrees outside so I can seem to stay comfortable. Then I went and and got my class schedule and my student ID finally the guy was there. Then they said they don't know if there going to let Full time people work 30 hrs. They may make us work the full 40 in order to keep our benefits. Well I can't work 40 hrs and still have time to study and I can't afford to not keep my benefits so that would completely suck. And I realy realy don't want to move but I think I'm going to look for an apartment one more time. More actively this time. Because I think as far as time management goes it would probablly be best. I just hate the idea of settling into a new place. And it sucks because I feel realy stressed out right now and I know it's because of my job and they don't know what the fuck is going on. The project is new and no one has a clue. Oh yeah and then they said they were going to do background checks on all of us as a requirement another thing they failed to mention, and those that don't pass the background check will be automatically terminated. Let's ignore the fact that we already work there and have been working there with no problem. And I've had an FBI background check run on me in order to work at the Casino and as far as I know I have done nothing criminal in the last 3 years. But again so not the point. It's just stressful. Plus I can't eat. Everytime I eat something I get realy nautious so now I am eating soup and crackers, not something I would normally eat in July but it's making my tummy feel good. Ugh I just totally needed to vent I think I am going to finish eating and then go watch Harry Potter while I put my clothes away, and then I'm going to hit the sack. I just want some peace, and stability. No craziness, no fighting, just peace and quiet.

Friday, July 21, 2006

I'm not dead I swear!

So this week has been kind of icky. I started training on my new project and to say the least it realy sucked. For the most part because of the young obnoxiously loud boys in the class. At first I thought I was just being bitchy but then I realized it was not all of them it was just a select few. I was irritated because I can't make extra bonus money until I'm back on the floor which wont be for three weeks at least and these guys were totally fucking off and keeping us all from learning what we were suppose to be learning. It was like a wave of bad energy everytime I walked in the room. Then I got stuck doing a group project with 8 people who thought it would be productive if we all worked together instead of breaking down the project into smaller groups. So we ended up finishing a half hr after everyone else and our project sucked. Maybe I'm putting too much into this but it's my job and I'm going to be there for a long time and I would like it to be enjoyable. So then a friend of mine lost their keys and their vehicle has been parked at my house for over a week now, which I don't realy care about but all week it was a scavenger hunt to find these keys. Then we get into a fight. Go figure. And of course now it's a situation of who breaks down and talks to who first but I think this time we have both reached the point of not wanting to give in. Part of me knows that if I suck it up and make the first move that we will just end up right back in this situation because we always do, and part of me just wants to get over this and move on because this weekend it's not just about him and it hurts but then again, if this realy is the end then it's has to be only about him. I can't hang onto someone else for other reasons, and besides the other reasons probablly wont notice I'm not in the picture so as long as there not affected it's fine. OK none of that made any sense to anybody sorry, apparently I'm famous for that. I have been writing and now I have to find all the random stuff I've written on so I can post it on the other site. So if youre interested in my crappy poetry keep your eye out. Anyways it will be a quiet weekend. I'm going to clean a bit and then who knows what else, so this blog may get more than one post out of me this weekend.

Saturday, July 15, 2006

I wore myself out..

So this morning I got up and went to Vermillion paid all my bills, went and had chinese then picked up my new friend Brandy who is from TN which makes her company that much better. Then we drove to Sioux Falls, went to Toys R Us. Went on a huge shopping spree where I didn't realy buy anything cuz my funds weren't realy allowing for that. Then we went to the World Store ate some snacks from Singapore. Then got lost in Sioux Falls yes Andy I almost had to call you to get us un lost.. But we found our way to the shuttle bus which took us to Jazz Fest. We raided the Greek Food Tent. Then ate Corn on the cob on a stick. Only it wasn't realy on a stick. We listened to some good music and then drove back home and then I went to a graduation party and now I am going to bed because I have wore myself out. I have not had this much fun in awhile. It's very strange with Brandy because 10 years ago we crossed paths several times and found ourselves in the same room but never met and now here we are in South Dakota it's very weird. But I can say weird things about TN and she totally gets it and it makes me miss home just a little less. Anyways I will write more later. Peace Out

Sunday, July 02, 2006

Sitting in my dirty Apt.

So I went into july having nightmares, I woke up crying over my ex husband and feeling like an idiot that I would be crying yet again over someone who doesn't even exist to me anymore. Then I spent my morning at the Bridal Shop which was fun because we got to try on our dresses we went and enjoyed a lunch at Olive Garden and then went to Target where Amy bought me and excellent Rug for my kitchen as a house warming/ birthday present. Then we drove home, went and loaded up on Explosives went to walmart made fresh Salsa and Taco's for lunch. Went out onto a gravel road in the middle of know where and blew some stuff up and then headed back to my apartment were we proceded to get drunk and pass out. Which did not take much Alcohol considering neither of us had drank in quite a long time. Then we woke up this afternoon and went to the Dam Beachouse for lunch where I have been wanting to eat for some time now and the food was realy good, and now Amy has gone back to Minnesota. She's been gone for 15mn and I'm missing her already. I had so much fun with her here it was so good to see her. It was good to spend sometime with an old friend.

Friday, June 30, 2006

Hey Guess What Everyone!

Amy will be here tomorrow and I cant wait to give her the biggest hug ever. I need to laugh and she is definetly the woman for the job!

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Life is Good and Saturday is near... which means that Amy will be here! Yeah Baby! I am so stoked.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

This is insane.

Who beats someone over the head with a dead dog.

Life Update....

So it's saturday and I have the day off and I slept late and I have been goofing off on the internet for the last three hrs. I had two relatives die this last week and can only hope that this is the end of the death and sadness. I'm realy looking forward to school starting and meeting people I have things in common with, people I can call up for a lunch or go have coffee with when you just want to shoot the shit. My friends Kelly and Matt finally ran off and got married. I was pissed that she didn't tell me, not that pissed, I don't realy blame her and they did it in classic style went to the court house got married and then snapped a wedding photo on Kellys cell phone as they were walking out the door! I am so happy for them after 10 years they deserve to be hitched. I suppose Amy is next and then Clint and Dawn and who knows which other spontaneous couples will run to the altar before the year is up. The only thing I am positive of is that it will not be me. I bought a new fish to replace the one that died on my birthday. He is a Beta and his name is Indigo. I was realy looking forward to going home this weekend and my mom told me to wait and then I find out today there was no reason for me to wait so I should have just come home. So who knows when I will make it there now. Anyways thats the update of my boring life.

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

Men Suck!

I hate men, All of you fucking suck. You can't make up your goddamn minds about what you want, and you always have to have the last word. Even if it means sticking it to the person who is already standing in front of you in tears.

Sunday, June 11, 2006

Feeling Yuck!

So I am feeling kind of yuck. I am prone to panick attacks but it has been a realy long time since I've had one. Well I had a minor one when we were in Omaha but it had been a long day and I was tired and had been out in the sun all day and there was lots of excitement and new people. So that was not realy a big deal. But yesterday and today I keep having these minor episodes and I fear it's going to explode into a major episode. I'm afraid my doc might be complete crap and is not monitoring my medication as appropriately as he should be. I don't know but either way it realy sucks. I know it will pass it always does. But I hate this feeling.

Friday, June 09, 2006

Watch Out USD!!!!!

I AM REGISTERED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now if only I could get that god damn web advisor thingy to work.

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Second things Second.. but for sake of your reading I suppose it's Second things first...

I went to therapy this morning, and I do not like my therapist. I'm sitting there and she keeps asking me whats wrong with me, what I need to work on, and I can't think of anything. OK well I can but I'm not ready to work on it or talk about it yet, and I don't know if I ever will be. So I talk to her about my obsessive boredom and my need to be entertained and my urge to runaway to AZ for no apparent reason, and what does she do she starts enabling this behavior. She actually starts giving me options as to how to move to AZ and make it easier. And I'm like what the fuck are you listening to anything I am saying lady? So then as the hour is closing she tells me that I have acomplished all of the goals I had set out to accomplish and until I had new goals there was no reason to continue therapy. So when I was ready to work on something to call her. Now my other therapist would talk to me about anything at all. I could ramble aimlessly which would eventually lead to something of importance. So I just don't like her I don't feel that someone needs to be crazy to go to therapy, there doesn't have to be something wrong. Sometimes just having someone there to listen to you sort it all out is helpful. something laying it all out on a stranger is better than laying it all out on your friends. So I think once I'm fully registered and all that good crap I will switch to a therapist at the University. Maybe I can find someone who will want to listen to me even if I don't know exactly what is wrong, or what needs to be fixed.

First things first

So I have a couple of things going on. I think I will start with the apartment. So I need to move because as many of you know I have a two bedroom apartment and no longer have a roomate. Plus as much as I love the apartment I don't think I'll ever realy think of it as just mine, and even as the days go on it still feels like something is missing. With school starting I had wanted an apartment closer to Vermillion, something cheaper. Well at the moment I am looking at two options.

One is I found someone that needs a roomate who owns a trailor in Vtown the rent would be way cheap but I would have to pay half the electric and utilities which in a trailor can be insanely expensive. The cats wouldn't be a problem and I would be close to school. But I can't move in until August, I don't know the person I would be living with I wouldn't have my own space I would be in my own room in someone elses house.

Option two the house diagonal from where I live is aparently not a house but an apartment building. The person who was living in the basement just moved out and they just finished reduing the entire apartment, and laying new carpet, I went and looked at it this afternoon and it's a nice size apartment, the bathroom is huge, I would have to share the washer and Dryer with the people upstairs or have them move the washer and dryer out of my apartment and I would have to continue to pay to due to my laundry. The rent is $100 cheaper no electricty, heat, garbage, water, or sewer bill, plus there is already Cable so I wouldn't have to pay for that either. It's one bedroom but it would be mine all mine. Now the plus side is it's across the street so I wouldn't have to worry about moving the stuff very far. My landlord is great and I wouldn't have to worry about signing another lease. I don't have to worry about a deposit or any of that stuff because he already has all of that stuff. It would be so much easier, but I would still be living in Yankton, but I realy like living in Yankton so what to do what to do. I told the landlord I would left him know on friday what I wanted to do.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

Bush is an idiot

CNN News Article

I think Americans should figure out what their values are before
insisting others figure them out.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Floating

I feel like I'm just floating along. There was a position in the company I worked for in Scottsdale , AZ and at first I was like hmm interesting. And then I sort of did a double take and thought well I did go to school to work on computers, I could at least apply and see what happens, and then I thought Scottsdale, you are insane. There is no way your moving to Scottsdale. So then I just dropped the idea, until yesterday when I was talking to my supervisor who asked if I had thought anymore about applying, and I told him I didn't know if it was realy worth moving all the way to AZ and he informed me that the job payed $18.00 and I was like holy shit. But then when you take in the cost of living in Scottsdale which is just ridiculous, the amount of money it would cost me to move which would only be partially reimbursed by the company. It just doesn't seem worth it. But the idea of doing it and going somewhere exciting if even for a moment, actually made me smile.

So this morning I get to continue living my boring life. I have to go to the clinic and get a measle shot for the third time Im just like Jesus people come one. Otherwise I dont know . I'm not really unhappy at the moment, but I don't realy find myself jumping for joy. I feel myself constanty reaching out for people in my life only to find there not there or they don't care, or they just don't feel the same way. People who at times becomes utterly so self involved they forget I'm standing there. But again I think at times we all become a little self involved, I guess anyways. I wish I lived closer to some of my other friends, so we could go out and have a girls night. Oh well, for now I must run.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

So I took the step..

I thought my fingers would literally fall off if I picked up a paint brush. But I did and my first painting turned out quite well, and the second one was complete crap. Then I switched mediums and tried a charcoal sketch that although not the best I've ever done I thought promising for someone who hasn't touched a piece of chalk in many years, let alone attempted a portrait. Although I had forgotten what an emotional roller coaster this all could be, and I wonder how I will handle the next years of my life. And asking myself if my art will truely fill all the voids in my life.

Saturday, June 03, 2006

Zoo Time!

So I posted some of the pictures from the zoo. There were around 250 so obviously your not seeing all of them. I saw an orangutange in a diaper and it was the cutes thing ever. James bought me an adorable T-shirt that has three Orangutangs and a magnet and a key chain. Hi cousin Leslie was awesome. My most favorite relative so far. We also went to the book store and I was of course a nerd because thats how I am. I had a Curious George cake which I should post a pic of if I remember. All and all I had a blast. We ate at applebees and they gave us brownies and ice cream for Free.. Cuz I Rock! Anyhow today I am taking it easy lounging on the couch eating pizza and watching Date Movie. Which I rented despite the reviews and let me tell you it truely is the stupidest fucking movie ever.. Do not I repeate Do not watch this movie. I have yet to laugh and it's almost over, anyways I am being attacked by a fuzzy animal so I must run.


Friday, May 26, 2006

One day I will drown in my own tears.

Age 26

So age 26 feels like it is truely kicking the shit out of me all the way to the end. Between graduation, and the month of April, the broken hearts I've endured over the last year, the enemies I have in advertently made. The new home, and new job, feeling lonely, feeling lost. Being sad, and learning how to truely survive, this year as been one hell of a year. I don't realy know where I am going. Two people have died in the last couple of weeks, one an uncle who although I didn't know very well, I remember fondly from being a child. The other my friends father, who always refered to me as daughter and although he wasn't around alot was still dad. My brother isn't speaking to me or anyone realy that I know of and I don't know why, and my mother keeps saying and doing all of the wrong things. My job sucks and is so stressful that today I was actually in tears. I was at the point I just couldn't take it anymore. I go up and down where I feel fine and then I stop and think and ask myself are you realy happy? Is this realy where you want to be in your life. And there are days when I think if I just had someone to love me, someone who would put there arms and me and tell me that I was theres and I was everything they ever wanted that it in itself would do it for me. But I don't realy believe you can be everything someone has every wanted, and I don't realy believe there is someone out there who can wake up in the morning and look at me and feel that I make them happy. But the thought is nice. I think the thought that there is someone anyone out there that wants you is a happy thought. I can only think that this year of my life is truely almost over and that hopefully on Thursday morning I will wake up and 27 will have a little more of something to offer.

Thursday, May 25, 2006

..............................

To the one I didn't know but wish I did. Happy Birthday you are in thoughts.
To the one I knew but didn't get the chance to say good bye to. I love you and you are forever in my heart.
To the one I never talk to because we never have much to say I love you even if you don't know it.
and To the one who tries so hard and feels like he is constantly failing like the rest; you are a wonderful father..

It is what defines all of you, it is who you are, and it is why we love you and continue to love you everyday.

Monday, May 22, 2006

Chubbers Baby!

Everyone should go to Amy's blog and check out the pics she posted of Chubbers dog.... He is sooo cute! Link is to the left.

Saturday, May 20, 2006

What Happened to Garfield and Friends?

The Oblongs
This cartoon is disturbing. The two times I've seen it, I have watched the same episode. The sick thing is it's realy funny! Plus Will Ferrel does the voice of the Dad and you can't beat that.

Rob Gonsalves

This artist is amazing his name is Rob Gonsalves
He definetly reminds me of MC Escher who is also one of my favorites. Enjoy my newest discovery. God I love the internet!






Rolling Stone

So some may not know but I'm a bit of a Rolling Stone Junkie, Rolling Stone to sooth my soul, and Vogue to make me drool.... Anyways my subscription ran out and I haven't purchased a copy in a couple of months but today unnoticed the 1000 anniversary edition and I decided I needed to buy it if for nothing else but to add to my secret magazine stash. Yes I have a magazine stash that I keep in a safe dry place not tons of them but just a few of my favorites or ones that were collections like when LIFE did a cover fold of the Beatles for there 25th anniversary, the first issue of SPIN that contained South Park, this was when South Park was new and had not been run through the ringer over and over again, Rolling Stones tribute to Jim Morrison and what not. I keep these with all the play bills I collect. Point Being. I figured even if it was crap I had an item to add to my collection and it displayed a lot of the cover art and had a major focus on the photographers so I was intrigued.

Getting to my point.....
I started reading the magazine which is much thicker than usual and I have yet to finish it. It's focuses on the photographers and the different subjects they have shot over the years, focusing on some of the more famous or infamous cover shots. It also goes in to length the history of Rolling Stone and how they earned their status as the top rock magazine. What I've learned after reading 1/4 of the magazine, I am no where near being a Rolling Stone junkie. I did not know half the things about this magazine and what it was about as I thought I did. The stories and journeys there recount in this issue are absolutely amazing. I am sure I will have tons of things to say on the subject when I finally come to my conclusion but for now I will leave you with one paragraph, one that struck me particular. It was powerful, well put, political, and beyond truthful.

p.82 RS 1000

In the Forties or fifties, in the age of FDR or Ike, you grew up thinking the president was like your dad. If you grew up with Kennedy, he was a handsome young prince living in a castle. Nixon was the first to rule in an era when the president was something gross your parents whispered about at night, like ethnic neighbors or anal sex. These days, the idea of the president as a sort of hideous, power-crazed monster with a lizard brain and a ten-foot erection is almost universal. In fact, we choose our presidents now solely on the basis of their ability to survive a grueling two-year process designed to beat out of a man everything but his most nakedly criminal urges. We ritually assault his friends and family, make him perform acts that would shame a Thai whore-and if he's still smiling at the end of it all, we pick him. Only a monster, a Nixon, is capable of that finish-line face. We know that, and we choose him anyway. Why? Because that's who we are. We get off on that sort of thing. The fascination runs very deep. And it's far too late to do anything about it....

Friday, May 19, 2006

It's Friday! and I have absolutely no idea where the weekend will lead me. But for the moment I'm in an excellent mood, now I am off to work to destroy that!

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

More Poetry

I have updated the poetry blog for all of my non existence fans, I tried to stay happy this time, but it only slightly worked. I hope you enjoy!

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

It Makes You Wonder...

It realy makes you wonder if these people every wake up and think, wow maybe today I should actually do my job. It's disturbing to think that their carelessness could have endangered so many people.

See Story.....

Monday, May 15, 2006

Some things are better left to the stage.

So I finally broke down and watched Rent well lets say I finally broke down and attempted to watch Rent. It sucked Royally absolutely sucked.... Some things are better left on stage. Will still remain one of my favoriate performances, I'll just never watch it on the big screen.

I Rock!

Although my grades were not fabulous ..... at all. And my grade point average is sitting at a 2.93 but none the less, I graduate I absolutely fucking graduate! I now hold an Associate of Applied Science in Graphic Communications. I am so freakin excited!!!!!!!

Thursday, May 11, 2006

I'm off to see the wizard

So I am off to work, I am going to stretch because my calfs hurt from speed walking which is so strange, but they do, I feel like I need to do like 100 sit ups to make myself feel better. I wish I had a different job this one is boring and does not work the side of my brain that I like to use, it uses the side of my brain that waits for trivia questions and says ok try again, this time with something a little more challenging, the part of my brain that laughs at people because they under estimate it's intelligence. Oh well. I suppose I should go I am going to attempt to braid my hair because I'm sick of the whole a fallen pony tail look. Not that any of my pointless ramblings matter but hey thats life. Hopefuly I will finish reading message in a bottle today so I can move onto a more interesting book, I may run to the library before work and try checking out Turn of the Screw so I can know exactly what the fuck someone is talking about and discuss it accordingly. I have a feeling he has outwitted everyone once again which he has a tendancy to do and which is a major turn on, but I don't like to be outwitted or clueless so I must read the book so I can a ha! I get it......... I'm weird I know.

I'm off to see the wizard

So I am off to work, I am going to stretch because my calfs hurt from speed walking which is so strange, but they do, I feel like I need to do like 100 sit ups to make myself feel better. I wish I had a different job this one is boring and does not work the side of my brain that I like to use, it uses the side of my brain that waits for trivia questions and says ok try again, this time with something a little more challenging, the part of my brain that laughs at people because they under estimate it's intelligence. Oh well. I suppose I should go I am going to attempt to braid my hair because I'm sick of the whole a fallen pony tail look. Not that any of my pointless ramblings matter but hey thats life. Hopefuly I will finish reading message in a bottle today so I can move onto a more interesting book, I may run to the library before work and try checking out Turn of the Screw so I can know exactly what the fuck someone is talking about and discuss it accordingly. I have a feeling he has outwitted everyone once again which he has a tendancy to do and which is a major turn on, but I don't like to be outwitted or clueless so I must read the book so I can a ha! I get it......... I'm weird I know.

Insert Witty Title Here.

I had the best day off yesterday, I don't remember the last time I enjoyed a day like yesterday, I laughed, I cried, it was absolutely fabulous. Today I woke up and it was the perfect morning and I was smiling, and it felt good, I went to work and started to feel a little sad that I had decided not to go to my graduation. The thought that if I was not here I would be home celebrating, I thought my parents would at least call to congratulate me or tell me good job or anything, but no phone calls, no congratulations, and I'm sure that tomorrow will come and it will be just as though another day has passed. I am on day two of not smoking and although I did cheat and smoke one at lunch I am doing much better than the last time I attempted to quit. Well I think I will go paint my nails and go to bed. I need to start apartment hunting in the morning, I realy don't want to give up my apartment though, it's been a good apartment even if it was for just a short time. It made us a good home.

Monday, May 08, 2006

Ready to Scream!!!!!!

So I sent off two of the three websites. One of which I had to tear apart after finishing it and redue in an entirely different program, had I not had to do this all of my websites would be done. I don't know when I will find time to do the third one which has to be in on wednesday morning, I can only hope we are not busy at work tomorrow so I have time to finish it. Not to mention my English paper, which at this point I'm not even going to bother to write. On wednesday I will feel better because it will all be over with, although part of me feels like I should be at my graduation, that is if I actually graduate not that it's a big deal, but it makes it feel complete instead of just another day. Oh well I will go to the next one I suppose. Anyways I am going to bed now to get in my six hrs of sleep before getting up and dealing with bitchy people all day! Woo Hoo the story of my life.

Sunday, May 07, 2006

I am such a Dork!

So I needed some humour and I went and rented National Lampoons Barely Legal and American Pie Band Camp. I didn't like National Lampoons because it was stupid and not even stupid funny It would have been ok if the two main girls had different first names but watching to chicks named Ashley and Naomi run around naked just wasn't doing it for me. So now I am watching American Pie Band Camp and it's not even funny but I keep laughing because I have so been there, The guy why trying to march from one yard line to the next in eight steps and couldn't which is so not funny and yet I died laughing so I decided that A. I spent too much time in the high school marching band, and B. I'm a totally Band Geek! Homework break is over must get back to work.

Quote of The Day!

"and then I got stoned and started thinking like a Democrat."

Kandi

Saturday, May 06, 2006

Movies

The Family Stone Sucks! I was looking forward to laughing and cheering myself up, this movie was depressing there was one funny part that lasted all of 2 seconds and that was it. Not to mention the completely unrealistic and yet predictable ending.

MatchPoint ; one I will have to watch again because I feel asleep only to wake up during the turning point at the end, so thats pretty much screwed but I'll watch it again anyways.

Now I am watching Coffee and Cigarettes which seemed appropriate after my week, and although it was an interesting concept I think to realy get the movie you would have to be stoned. Not drunk but stoned, it would require a mind numbing zone out to truely appreciate whats going on.

I will watch the Skeleton Key next, I saved it for last because I have seen it, it is reliable, it is good, scary but not gory I was kind of in a horror flick mood, but didn't want to watch any scary movies by myself I am such a woose!

I will get my fill of culture yet.

So despite my pending disaster from last night and missing the theater. I am happy to report that Andy has asked me to go to Caberet, which is my all time favorite musical and I have wanted to see it on stage since I was 11! That is 16 years of wishing and hoping and saying one day! Well one day his here and next weekend I am going to Caberet and I am completely stoked! No high expectations, no faulty clothing, no I gotta be somewhere in 3 hrs. Now I have to say for those of you who have not seen Caberet, it takes quite a man to be willing to sit through that, so Andy I do appreciate it and I can't wait!

Thursday, May 04, 2006

I am so exhausted and I am off to bed again, I feell ike I get up go to work, go home, do homework go to sleep, I have been surviving on coffee and nicotine neither of which are good for me, and I swear that on monday when it's all said and done, I am starting the whole non smoking process all over again. I have been walking everyday which is good since I desperately need to drop all of this extra weight. I can't wait to hit the Golf Course I have been reading up on tips and I am going to kick some major ass! I spent all day getting yelled at and I realy thought I was at the end of my rope and then a realy good friend of mine gave me flowers for no reason at all. Purple roses have always been my favorite but I think they have just been out weighed by Pink. So I am going to go sniff my flowers and then grab the kitties and toss them in bed so we can all cuddle before going to sleep. It's almost the weekend. It's almost the weekend.

Wednesday, May 03, 2006

Off to work

I am so fucking exhausted, like beyond exhausted I am literally surviving on Caffeine and Nicotine, and all I keep thinking is I need to get really drunk this weekend, which is really bad... and I wont cuz I don't like to drink alone, but I think I definetly need to come up with a stress relieving activity. Life is grand.

I wonder if I'll make it.

I just got done taking a test and a quiz and responding to my discussion questions in Theater class. I have to get up in 5 hrs so that I can work a 12 hr shift, and I still have so much to do. I wish I could do some of this stuff at work only I can't. We have been so busy and I am so sick of my job. I don't feel like I am using my brain at all, and I didn't even realize it until I started hitting the books, like actually studying, I honestly feel like I have not had one real thought in months. As though my brain is programmed to think one way and any sort of abstract thinking has been turned off. Part of me so wants to look for a job somewhere else where I can be creative and be a free thinker but that dreams is not realistic and will not pay my bills, but oh if it would. I also need to seriously find an apartment, although I don't want to leave this one, and it holds so many good memories, and not so good memories, but it feels like home and I hate to leave it. Anyways I should go to bed, my kitty is passed out next to me and I am sure she would rather sleep on my bed then this uncomfortable couch, I am sure I will write more later.

Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Must Sleep!

I am so off to bed! I am exhausted. I have been working on one project all day and I can't believe I haven't finished it yet. I will be so glad when this is all over. I feel like I'm completely neglecting my life. I have got to find a new apartment and get the the University and register for classes, hopefully I can still register. I filled out my financial aid but I'm sure there are extra forms and crap I have to sign. I did have a nice drive over dinner so that was fun! I can't wait until the minature golf place opens up. I need to practice I need to be able to kick some ass this summer. I only played once last year. I use to play all the time. Plus I need to brush up on the rules of the game. Oh yeah boys look out here I come!

Saturday, April 29, 2006

My teacher is going to think I'm crazy

So I am working on my 3-4 page lit paper, which is actually going quite well only this morning on my way to get coffee I had the sudden urge to write about Hustler Magazine and it's influence on society, and so I did followed by a paragraph on the burning of Harry Potter Books, I think next I might go onto the bible although in the editing process I think these paragraphs are going to have to be moved around. But by any means I am sure my teacher is going to read it and think hmm. Welcome back Kandi I have read anything completely outrageous from you in awhile. But that has always been my style take what works and exploit it. I've often found living in the Midwest people are careful not to touch on certain topics as though thinking about them will make their brain explode, but not me I say brain explode it will rejuvenate itself..... eventually. Ok well I should probablly get back to work just taking a little break to reform my thoughts.

And it just keeps getting worse.

Friday was no better than Thursday and it has me terrible worried about what Saturday will hold. I'm stuck. I feel completely numb to everything around me. I feel that my brain has been on a complete hiatious and while everyone that cares about me keeps telling me how intelligent I am, and I say people that care, because those that don't seem to think I'm an idiot incapable of my own thoughts, anyways I feel like I have not actually used my brain in awhile. It seems like everything I cared about or should be caring about is slipping away and I would just assume watch it go then stop it. It's like standing back knowing you have complete control over a situation and refusing to do anything about it, not because of fear of the outcome or anything but simple because you don't care. I almost let someone walk out of my life today and I just kept thinking please just go because atleast it will save me the energy of having to care, and that is completely horrible. I didn't realy want the person to leave, but I knew at that moment that I would rather submit than fight. and I know that in a month I'll probablly feel fine and things will be great and my life will have moved forward but for right now I'm stuck in survival mode and it sucks for those around me looking for a little emotion.

Friday, April 28, 2006

The Day From Hell

Today was one of those days where everything seemed to be going wrong, and amazingly I kept in high spirits through it all. But it just seemed that everytime I turned around there was something else going wrong. I felt ready scream. I even had one of those moments where you feel relief and get really happy like life has just thrown you a nice surprise, only to find out it's just the world fucking with you again. I'm exhausted and I have no choice but to read death of a salesman which sucks but I'll do it. Hopefully this weekend will be less stressful. But for now it's off to bed again....

Thursday, April 27, 2006

My Care Bears were molested!





I got to work today and this is what I found, it was a sad sad day in Care Bear Land!

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Nerve Wrecking

So today I had to go to court and it was the most horrifying experience ever. The judge had already signed off on my protection order when I asked him to dismiss it and I had to go through twenty minutes of yelling and the judge asking me if I knew what I was doing, and no answere I gave was good enough. The girl sitting behind litterally said she's an idiot when the judge asked me if I was sure. All I had to do was give him a number any number and it would have been over and I would have had my protection order, but I knew that dropping it was the right thing to do, and I guess that this just goes to show that even in situations where you are in the right. Doing the right thing can be the most difficult. I need a nap and I have so much homework to finish and I am so stressed out, I just need a hug!

Long Day

So it has been a long day, and my arm is killing me, I'm cold and I'm hungry but I don't feel like eating or cooking. I had a situation it was walking back into the past and I really thought I was going to go balistic but I didn't and I was reasonable and thought seriously what would you have done. I think to many times we go off on people and blame them for their mistakes when in reality we know that we would have made the same mistake in there situation. Besides I think sometimes people punish themselves enough, they don't need us adding to the mix. But anyways I am going to finish watching six feet under, and then I'm going to read my book under the covers in my bed because it's flipping cold outside and it's snowing or whatever the hell and it's going to be May next week.

Sunday, April 23, 2006

OK James this one is for you!

Gallery Link

This actually a site with links to several different Artistic sites including, art, literature, and film. I hope you enjoy it!

I've Decided I'm Catholic

Link

So I decided that I'm Catholic, since other people can just up and change there religions and claim to be whatever they want to be, I have decided that I too will claim to be something. Now I'm not downing Katie Holmes, and she may very well have switched religions and be completely devoted to her new faith, but to honor her I have decided to replace her by deeming myself Catholic. So there we go.

Kick Ass Art

I was looking for a picture and came across this awesome art site. Check it out especially if you're into comic books and things of that nature.

http://joechiodo.com/

Saturday, April 22, 2006

Flash!!!!!

I am so ready to scream, I don't know why Flash MX seems so hard, really it's designd so that a monkey could use it, I mean seriously there are probablly middle school kids out there who can work this program bettter than me, I have actually lowered myself to watching online tutorials to figure out exactly what the fuck I am doing. I have a plan I'm just having problems executing it so AJ when you get here tomorrow be prepared!

So if you've been to myspace you've already read that top part. Next I have to get ready to go to my get together, and I have nothing to wear I want to look hot, why when it's just going to be a bunch of women I have no idea I just feel like dressing up and my closet is loking very pathetic and I was wishing I was close to St. Cloud so I could raid Amy's closet, although she seems to think her closet is crap too. But I'm sure I would find something interesting in there, I always do, like the top and sweater I kidnapped and wore to Phantom of The Opera that would be perfect. Hmm Damnit. Too bad you can't e-mail outfits. Anyways I should probablly get back to work.
Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

Kathleen Mifsud quotes

Hmmmm...

OK So I wrote two poems this morning, and yes people I realize they are complete crap! So not the point. My brain needs exercise and I'm sure by the end of the day I'll be ready to strangle myself and will be able to come up with something fabulous, Anyways I've got the laundry in and the dishes are done. So now it's off to get coffee and go to the bank so I can start my homework Woo Hoo!

Thank God It is Saturday Morning.

Another long and exhausting week and I am so glad it is over. I have sooo much homework to do which I am going to do, I am going to be the Queen of multi tasking this weekend, and I have planned two study breaks one for each day and that is it outside that I must stay focused. I wish I had time to write I have a couple unfinished stories I would like to finish and I can't seem to write any poetry but of course I have been completely indifferent to everything happening in and around my life and I haven't been feeling depressed or psychotic so that pretty much takes care of all my creativity. Now if only I could learn to right about butterfly's and rainbows, or normal thinks minus the broken hearted, my life is ending drama then I would be on the right track. But for now I believe it is off to bed. Although as boring as my life may be, for about two seconds this evening I almost did something spontaneous but then decided to act rationally which is probablly best. The joys of getting older, which don't remind me will be happening to me again soon.

Friday, April 21, 2006

Funny Quotes!

So here are some funny quotes that made me laugh this morning. For those of you who may not know me, yes I have a strange obsesssion with quotes.


“Some people are like Slinkies - not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.”

“I am so clever that sometimes I don't understand a single word of what I am saying.”


“Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.”

“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.”

“Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.”

“Some days even my lucky rocketship underpants won't help.”

Thursday, April 20, 2006

Sleep......

Yeah so the whole sleep thing did go over so well, I'm exhausted and I feel like I need to write yet my brain is too tired to produce actual thoughts, so that is some what of a problem. I only wish I felt the need to design websites. I think I am in the wrong profession. Actually I think it is more of a case of my split personalities having different interests hmm maybe one day they'll start working together and make me famous. I guess we will see. Well it is off to work, well of to the shower first, and then off to work. 2 days and then the weekend thank god. I wish someone would just sweep me away to disney land or some shit but I have homework to do so the fun will just have to wait.
“I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies.”
"Make the lie big, make it simple, keep saying it, and eventually they will believe it"

~Adolf Hitler

Yumm!

I bought this for my face, and its delicious! LoL It also works great on my face and neck. No pain beautiful skin.